Husband moved out tonight

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Husband moved out tonight
4
Sat, 06-23-2007 - 9:15pm
I thought it would be more emotional than this. Guess I watch too many movies. He just walked up the stairs and said 'I'm leaving' and that was that. Left me and my daughter sitting on the couch. I didn't even know he was leaving today. We hadn't really discussed it, and I guess I was holding out hope he would change his mind. I'm pretty numb right now. I know there is a raw pain deep down inside, but everything else is numb. I'm holding it together for my daughter, but I really don't know how long this will last. I do want to talk w/him tomorrow, since he told our daughter he was leaving today. He also told her he would be here after work every day to work out and shower and only go away to sleep. We never even discussed any of this and he tells my daughter this. When she told me what he said, I guess I had a shocked look on my face, and she said 'please mom, I really want to see daddy every day.' I believe he is living a dilusional life right now. I asked him if he can imagine life without my friendship and love and support and he said no. He then said that all 3 of us would be just as close once we were divorced. I don't know where he is coming from. He wants his cake and eat it too? I told him that it wasn't healthy for any of us for him to have 1 foot in the door and 1 out. He says he needs to find what he's been searching for his whole life. I'm not sure what that means, and my brain is too sore to try to decipher it. I'm not up for being the counselor to him right now. So now my daughter is locked in her room on the phone and I'm sitting here writing this. I know I'll make it through this, but man this is hard. Well thanks for listening and all the support.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Sat, 06-23-2007 - 9:52pm
So sorry you are going thru this. It does get better. You should be proud of yourself, for not allowing him to keep one foot in the door. He should be ashamed of himself for telling your daughter what he should be discussing with you. Kids go thru enough with out being a go between.
All you can do is take it one minute at a time. I would tell him that he has to tell you stuff, not your daughter. Try to take care of you. Your daughter can pretty much take care of herself. Just make sure your doing whats good for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Sat, 06-23-2007 - 10:29pm

Hugs.

I am so sorry it went this way.

Make sure you and your daughter communicate alot. Keep the channels open.

Yes, let him be as part of her life as you can -- for her sake.

Eventually, he will need to have her at *his* place, whatever that is. It won't be helpful for you, long-term to have him dropping by *your* place all the time.

My stbx and I are starting out slow because our kids are young -- mostly he will come here for the first several months.

Interestingly, my older dd is very anxious to stay with dad at his place as soon as possible. That surprised me.

I assume your dd is a teen. It is fine she connects with friends (phone calls), but make sure you and your stbx are her primary attachment -- don't let her retreat from a relationship with you both by switching her primary attachment to her peers -- they don't have your wisdom, iykwim.

Hugs again!

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sun, 06-24-2007 - 8:48am

Survivor,


The actual separation can be traumatic without being dramatic. The simple act of leaving the primary maritial home puts your relationship on a different level. It's also a new phase of reality for both of you (not just you.). Separation can be a gift to you and your daugther by giving you some breathing space. It's hard to be objective about your feelings when you confront the other person day-to-day without resolution. So his leaving is some resolution and it also gives you a little air to breath.


That said, there needs to be some ground rules you BOTH agree to about the separation, i.e. whether he "comes home" and how often. You have to remember its YOUR marriage here not just your daugthter's relationship with her father. There are other ways for her to see her Dad and your husband shouldn't be the one dictating to you about when and where that happens. Second, your daughter needs help to realize that while her father may not always be your husband, he'll ALWAYS be her Dad.


If you can, call your husband and ask him to meet you outside of the maritial home

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 11:12am
Looks to me like he wants all of the positive aspects of having his family, but none of the inconvenience of being faithful. Of course your daughter wants to see her father every day, but this cannot be how it gets done. There needs to be boundaries, and your daughter will need help understanding this.
Change your locks, get a lawyer.

Cat 

Mom to 5: DS-17, DD-16, DD-11, DD-9, DS-7