Husband not sure what he wants
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| Mon, 06-19-2006 - 3:03pm |
My husband says he needs time to "sort" his feelings.
We have been married for 6 1/2 with 3 kids. We have been through hell and back with each other, and yes, we have fought a lot in the past and said hurtful things to one another.
The problem is we agreed to move on, and it's always like a yo-yo relationship with us. One of us is a pursuer and the other a retreater. (not sure if that makes any sense)
Anyways, things have been going good for the past month....no arguing or anything, but I took a nap this past weekend and my husband got so mad at me! He started yelling at me about everything that I've ever done to him!!! (he hasn't been perfect AT ALL either!)
Anyways, I told him if he really wanted a divorce to go file, and I think he is just unsure about what he wants. I don't think he really knows either way. He is happy around other people, but not happy around me! He says he can't talk to me because I judge him and make fun of his feelings. He says all I do is bitch and complain...all this stuff, that I really don't do anymore! I mean, I am not perfect in anyway, but he is just like living and dwelling in the past!
He is going TDY (Air Force) in September for 4-6 months and I told him last night that he really need to use that time to get over his negative feelings. He says he agreed. He said he just needs time to be left alone to get over all of the pain I have caused him!!! I am trying not to be defensive, but he's the one that has cheated on me before! I mean, it's just hard for me too....
I go up to him and hug him, kiss him...he doesn't want any affection from me. He wants me to cook, take care of the house/kids, sleep in the same bed with him, but not expect him to come home and ask me how my day was or anything because "he needs time".
What should I do????
I know he isn't seeing anyone because he comes home everyday for lunch and is always home on time!
Any input is appreciated!

Are you sure you didn't marry my STBX? It's amazing how many of us have similiar stories!
I would give him the time and space he wants, but during that "time", do what you can to focus on YOU. My guess is that he isn't unhappy with you OR your marriage. He's unhappy, disappointed, and insecure in HIMSELF and may be projecting some of that onto you by holding grudges.
Counseling might be benificial for you guys, if he's willing. My STBX and I did the "yo yo" thing for 4 years. We didn't really FIGHT until the last couple months leading up to the divorce. I had found an e-mail of an IM conversation he saved of him and the OW talking about all of my "ulterior motives". For example, he had asked me to take more of an interest in the things he was into. So I thought "Okay, this might be fun. I can do this." There was a Gem Show coming to town and he's really into Gems. He was going to go with his work buddies (which included the OW). I said, "You know, I'd like to go, but I your friends make me feel really stupid." And he went on to say "Maybe I can take you around, just you and me, and find out what you're interested in and teach you about it and you'll feel more educated around them." So I said "Sure! That sounds good. And if we run into your friends, great, if not, no big deal, but we won't make any solid plans to meet them, right?" He agreed... later on that night, I was waiting for him to come out and watch a movie he'd picked out w/ me. He was on the computer. 2 days later I found the conversation he was having that night which refered to "Yeah, she SAYS she wants to get interested in the things I'm into, but it's just a game. She's just trying to weasel her way in so she can shut other people out of my life." The e-mail went on to demonize me about things I haven't even done or I had done but were purely because I wanted to, not because I wanted to shut other people of his life.
I later learned I wasn't the one w/ ulterior motives. He was. He was projecting his problems onto me. A counselor can help you guys sort out the HEART of the issue.
In the mean time, focus on you! :) Make sure YOU will be okay no matter which way it goes. Try to focus on what you can control. Unforunately, we can't control our marriages, as it takes 2 to make a marriage and we'll NEVER be able to control them.
- JD
- J. Darling
Singehttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v244/JDarling/Headshots/Picture001.jpgr, Songwriter, Author for Celebr
Oh my goodness.... I see so many facets to this.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
My stbx was a marine pilot. I can't really tell you what to do because you are the only one that knows if you can be put on hold or not. While he is gone, I would do some thinking too. What do you really want? I would be sure you are doing things for you and developing hobbies that make you happy. I tend to think something is going on when a man wants out of a marriage (either he is involved, has been involved or has a "crush" that he would like to pursue). Most (I realize this is a generalization) will stay until they have something or someone to leave for. I now know that everytime my stbx needed "to think" it was because he had participated in a one night stand. I am not saying this is necessarily what is going on in your case. I just want to encourage you to really look at your situation and see if you can figure out what is really going on and also try to decide just what you really want. Of course I hope it all works out for your family because I believe in family but most of all I hope you take care of you.