Husband says I have been doormat

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Husband says I have been doormat
7
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 9:41am
That is why he wants to leave. My girlfriend says the same thing. I have never really gone out w/friends since dd was born. I also wait up for husband when he goes out. Even if its all night. He says we have nothing in common and that he can't respect me for being a doormat for so many years. I was raised the same way. My mom would wait up for my dad to come home when he went out. She would cater to him. My husband says I bend over backwards for him and he can't respect me for it. I am asking for counseling and I am going to go for counseling on my own also. He just says "hum" when I bring it up. I believe he is right about the doormat mentality. I have now decided that it is time to learn some confidence. I know I have alot of strength, but I've never really had much confidence in myself, which my husband says is one of the things that makes him unhappy to be here. I really would love to work on my confidence, become a confident woman and have my marriage and my family back, but I'm really not sure how to go about it. I was raised in a verbally abusive home. I was to be "seen" and not "heard". I guess that is how I have been with my husband. Unfortunately to the detriment of my marriage. I did buy the book "Why Men Love Bitches". Its very insightful and talks about how men want a strong confident woman. I feel the book is more about gaining confidence than winning a man. I'm beginning to wonder if I becaome a confident woman if my husband would want to stay. Guess my mind is thinking overtime. Thanks for letting me vent.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 1:01pm

I am not sure about your husband's line of thought, but if you feel you need therapy, if you feel that you are unhappy about who YOU are - then by all means go to therapy. it will give you tools to deal with your life.

I don't know if it will make a difference in your marriage, but it will help you in your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2007
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 1:17pm

Survivor2007,

A great book for those of us raised in an abusive home is called "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. It might help you more initially than books on building self-esteem, because it explains how we became the way we are and how to stop. Once you stop then get a book on self-esteem, because those will tell you where to begin from there.

shaney13

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 1:50pm
I was raised the same way...About the wife basically doing everything for the husband...And no matter what you do in todays society Men at times feel that they dont have to stay with the committment of marriage which is sad...I guess in my next relationship I want to make sure I am in a 50/50 relationship...Where I am respected for who I am because I really am a wonderful person to know...I know that I made a wonderful wife...I just know for sure I can not allow to be taking advantage of again...
As for the counseling go and get it...I am in it right now...Nothing to be ashamed of...Go and do it for yourself and it will help you thru everything going on...I been going since the day my husband bomb selled me with the news he wanted separation in one sentence and then in the next he wanted a divorce from me...I opened up the yellow pages and found myself a counselor...It helps talking to a third party who might be able to give you some stragies...
Good Luck...Keep in touch...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 4:28pm
Well I was never a doormat but my ex hubby took me for granted and did what he wanted to when he wanted. I was the cleaner, cook caregiver also had to work fulltime. Could not have any friends had to get permission to go out and or even get his permission to go back to school to get a college degree. Well I guess I was a doormat for him but after 14 years of marriage I decided that I could raise my kids by myself better than if he was there. So at the age of 36 I got my spine back and I ask for a divorce and became adult. I found myself again and it was not easy but I made some great friends that help to stay strong and after 6 years I make great money working for a great company and getting my bachelors degree in business and deciding if I want to get my master just to prove something to my self. That I am smart person no matter what my ex hubby says.

lisa j romesburg

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 6:30pm

OK, wait a second! Your husband goes out all night....you behave like a responsible adult and devoted mother by staying home to take care of your child, and that means you're a doormat!?!?!? It sounds like your husband is using that as an excuse to justify his going out and having a great time. It's horrible that he took advantage of you then decided to turn around and call you a doormat. You do NOT deserve to be treated like that.

Sorry, didn't mean to be overly harsh, but it reminds me of my situation with my ex. I just hate to see good women be mistreated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 7:14pm
Good for you!! You are an inspiration to others!!
Brenda
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 9:31am

Survivor,


Our parents marriage is very often the only "role model" we have for marriage whether its a healthy example or not. Your mother probably modeled her mother and etc. etc. That doesn't mean what she did was wrong (or that you are wrong), it's just what you know.


Your husband is also contradicting himself when he says you're a doormat. If he wanted a strong, confident wife, he'd be building you up, not tearing you down. He'd be encouraging you to develop your own interests, i.e. education, hobbies, social activities, work. I'd bet if you woke up tomorrow morning the "strong, confident" woman he says you aren't, he'd freak.


My advice? Go to counseling on your own. Take advantage of professional, objective advice about your own feelings and needs. Start taking steps to develop yourself. To start, that might be as simple as making a lunch date once a month with a friend or family member. Think about what you want to do in your life as

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