Husband Taken by a Suicidal Girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2008
Husband Taken by a Suicidal Girl
1
Sat, 11-19-2011 - 4:57pm

My 3 years of marriage has fallen apart. It is a long story to tell but this is the recaps of what went down.

My husband has found another girl [who is much younger than I and is unstable, emotionally and mentally] and he is completely smiting with her. He is willing to do anything for this girl that he only known for a couple of weeks.

I blame him for emotionally cheating on me and that they are the cause for my marriage to end. He blames me that it was I who made our marriage fall apart for years. He said many times to me during our current separation I had made him so unhappy and that I hurt him so much he can't even stand being in a relationship with me anymore.

That is one thing I do not understand from him at all. I thought we were happy. Yes, there were spats here and there, and every time I thought we were in a difficult situation I suggested marriage counseling. He refused every time. He told me he gave me chances to fix our marriage, that it was I who has to change and not him.

So yes, he found the another girl. This girl who is young, in college, needy, flirtatious and more than once suicidal, begging only him to save her. She does not care that she ended my marriage. Also there is another guy [who is currently deployed] she likes since high school and is also highly smiting with her. This guy wants her to wait for him when he returns the end of this year, just like my husband wants her to wait for him when the marriage ends.

However, it has been clear to my husband that she has been playing games with him. He hates it when anyone plays games with him. He is pissed that she is, but still wants to end our marriage to be with her. Because he can't stand being with me anymore, but he and I do have a great time just as friends. We laugh, we joke as if our relationship was great again.

He is very confused still. He told me that I am not part of his confusion at all. Yet, when we hangout alone and with friends we flirt and he stares at me. Not like a glance but stares at me with interest, happiness and guilt. I asked why is he looking at me. He made the excuse that I was in the same room, but later told me “I am still confused.” That I also do not understand. How can he be confused about me if he no longer wants to be with me anymore?

It is told by my closest friends, his friends, his family and mine that my husband has been emotionally and verbally abusing me. He is controlling me even to this day according to everyone else. He told me this “it is okay for you to like me. It is okay if you want me back, but need to move on. I cannot be with you anymore.”

Yes, there are some points I would love to be with him again, but there are moments I do not. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I would like to be his friend for now on, like we were before we got married. He wants space away from me, but I have a hard time to back away. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to move on from this.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Sat, 11-19-2011 - 8:40pm

AZ,

It possible to love someone and not be able to live with them. I see two problems via your post:

1)Your husband is emotionally immature and never invested in the marriage in the beginning. He married you but that was just words to him. The fact others could see you were being abused by him and that you could not speaks to the fact you didn't really understand what a marriage was either. His refusal to see a marriage counselor and his rationale of "you fix yourself" tells me he will never consider anything "his problem" to resolve.

2)Your husband either needs to rescue someone or needs someone to rescue him, so his current interest in the immature and emotionally unstable girl. Good luck to him. He's going to get the same treatment by her that he gives you and others. Again, he'll blame her for what happens; he'll never accept responsibility for his own actions.

My advice to you:

A)Get good legal advice regarding a divorce, should one occur.

B)Get yourself into counseling so you can understand why you'd pick an emotionally immature and unstable man for a spouse.