Husband told me everything

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Husband told me everything
4
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 5:51pm

I haven't been on here in a while. My husband of almost 20 years ago asked for a divorce 3 mos. ago. He never moved out. I still had hope, because he was still here. His whole family has mental illness (bipolar), and we all assumed he was also. He went to a psyciatrist last weekend and the dr. is concerned, but hasn't prescribed anything yet. I thought that odd until my husband finally opened up this week. Well, he didn't really open up, everything busted wide open.

He was having an affair. It had been going on for 4 years. He has let my DD (15) speak on the phone with this woman, making her believe this woman was just a friend. He also liked to OW. He told her he wasn't married. Well, she became suspicious earlier this week, and was calling his cell phone and then my house, which my DD ended up answering...about 30 times. I have since changed my home number and turned off his cell phone. This is the second affair he has had in 20 years. He's been crying since Weds., when this all blew up. The OW broke it off w/him. He still hasn't moved out yet. The house is in his name, and I don't make enough money to buy something on my own, so we are all still living in the house together until he can find a place.

I am not taking this well at all. I can't believe he did this. He led a double life. All the nights he would stay out all night and say he was with his friends, or was working late, he was with her. He picked her over my DD and I. Left us alone many, many nights. We renewed our marriage vows 3 years ago. It was beautiful. Like a real wedding that we never had. He even wrote the vows. All the while he had the OW. And I can't even be mad at her, because this is not her fault. She didn't know, and when she did find out, she left him. So now I'm left to pick up the pieces of mine and DD's lives. Now my DD, at such an impressionable age, knows what a pig her dad is. He for some reason feels the need to get everything out to me now. The things he is saying are destroying me. He's not being mean, just telling me the truth of what's happened, but it is just destroying me. This man is a monster. I just don't know what to do. Thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2007
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 9:17pm

Just want to send hugs your way... though the circumstances sound different, I was the child of a marriage that consisted of my dad having a double life (for at least 20 years of a 29 year marriage)... its no fun for any of those involved...

 


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2007
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 9:56pm

I'm so sorry to hear that anyone would treat you this way after 20 yrs together. I can almost feel your pain. I left my H 7 weeks ago & adultery was at the top of my list. I was back in my house after 2 & a half weeks, when I came by to pick-up a few things & found items that belonged to a woman, in my house....in our bedroom & my bathroom. No one was there, so I took pictures & left. I came back the next night, & she was in my house with him. I didn't just walk in, I rang my own doorbell & he refused to let me in, but did admit that there was a woman in my house. He moved out that night & I went back a few days later. He's told so many lies about this that I think he doesn't even know the truth anymore.

I don't know how you can still be living in the same house with this moron. My H is now living in a 1BR/1BA apt with our 65 lb Black Lab...at a super-secret location that he's refused to tell me about, for fear of retaliation from my family members.....no thugs in my family. You must be in such a bad state right now. All I can think to say is an old Southern saying...."Bless Your Heart". I live in NC, so I hear that a lot.

I hope your daughter comes out of this OK. Divorce is so hard on kids. I have a 22 yr old son in his last year of college, & living away at school, so it's been much less of an issue for him, & my H is not his father, so he could actually care less, about my H, that is. He been wonderfully supportive for me, as my entire family & circle of friends have been. They've all been a God Send for me.

This will get easier, a little at a time, but try to get him out of the house. Having minimal contact does ease the pain you're feeling. If you can get into therapy, do it, as soon as possible. It's really helped me to put things into perspective.

Good Luck & hang in there. You are not alone.

Aleta

Avatar for jukie33
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 6:33am

I have Dissociative Identity Disorder. And some of my alters live seperate lives for long periods of time then things happen and their world crashes into mine and we are all left to pick up the pieces. I recently had this happen and was hospitalized for 12 days altogether. Are you sure your husband is just bi-polar? When you said you had this beautiful wedding but he was really living a double life it made me think of my own life. Maybe he needs more mental health therapy.


Julie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 12:03pm

Hugs to you survivor.

Your husband is a jerk, and a mean spirited one at that.

He's "being truthful" because he wants to feel better. Clearly he was burdened by guilt and the axiety of revelation. So he's gotten everythng off his chest. And he did it in a manner that deliberately caused you pain.

He is a horrible human being. I am sorry you have to experience this.

He does not deserve your compassion or concern.

Get to a lawyer asap.