Husvand Left Tonight..Little Scared

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2005
Husvand Left Tonight..Little Scared
8
Wed, 08-31-2005 - 11:15pm
My husband left tonight. I am a little scared. What's next? How am I supposed to feel? He started an affair last summer and I "accidentally" found out in December. Since then, for the past 9 months, we've been trying to make our relationship "work." However, it turns out that he has been in constant contact with the other woman (she lives a plane ride away but he has been there and she here both on business as they work together, and he has sent her a gift, and talks and chats online with her every day). He tells me often that he feels an emotional connect with her that he cannot find with me. I tell him he's not really trying to make it work with us as long as he maintains an emotional need that he fulfills with her instead of trying to fill it in our relationship. Finally, last night he told me that the scars and hurt I caused him in our 15 year marriage have made it so that he cannot find any deep loving feelings for me and doesn't know if he ever can. He talked about separation but was afraid of what it might do to the kids and he was also afraid of the "unknown" state it would leave him in having to figure out how to live on his own. We have 2 kids, boys, 10 & 13. Tonight he says that he wants a separation to figure out what to do. But he has no idea of how to accomplish the move and no plans or timing. We have several social commitments and a planned couples trip with some friends over the next 5 weeks which we discussed how to handle. Then I asked if he stayed here with our family until he moved out, would he still be maintaining the relationship triangle him-me-her? And he said yes, that was why he needed the separation. I told him that I could not live with him and allow him to contnue to hurt me that way and asked him to leave tonight. He did, but was very angry since he was so "unprepared." We have not told the kids yet - they think he is on a 2 day business trip. We plan to talk to them this weekend.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2005
Thu, 09-01-2005 - 6:29am
He's mad that you made him leave "unprepared"? Unbelievable.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Thu, 09-01-2005 - 8:14am

Hugs to you....


First off, DO NOT let him make you believe that this is YOUR fault. DO NOT let him manipulate you into thinking that YOU are causing him "pain" ( that whole unprepared thing is a good one, let me tell ya )


You didn't choose to go outside the marriage. If there was THAT much problem in the marriage, why not come to you and say.... Honey, we have to talk. BEFORE going outside the marriage.


It's time to get mad at the situation and fight for YOU. Do what is right for YOU. I know you miss him and I know that you want him back.... but do you really want HIM? or just the marriage itself... the habit of

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Thu, 09-01-2005 - 9:45am

Shayna....this link is to the Betrayed Spouses Support Board....you will find a lot of good info there on how to deal with and move on from betrayal.

Sanguine
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Thu, 09-01-2005 - 12:04pm

Hugs - Welcome to the board. Too bad we have to get to know each other in a sad way, but at least you found us.

I was appalled at how much work you have put into this and how little you have had in return. You've been putting up with his BS for nine months. Don't let him blame you. He wasn't "unprepared", he prepared the day he started his affair. My STBX was a master at blame and guilt. When I asked him to leave, he did, but then told me that the divorce was all my fault, he never wanted it, and the separation was my fault, because I asked him to leave. He neglected to connect his actions to the consequenses - his two affairs, which are what led me to ask him to leave. Never mind the fact that he wouldn't stop contact with the OW either, because of work. It isn't your fault, the same as it wasn't mine. If your H was honestly working on the marriage, he would have no contact.

Be prepared. He has now shown you his true colors. He quite liked having you at home and her on the road. It was quite cozy and nice for his ego. Now you've gone and said enough is enough and spoiled his childish little game, and what does he do? He gets mad at you. Try to protect your children, and keep your head up high. He knows what he did was wrong. But that doesn't mean he will admit it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2005
Thu, 09-01-2005 - 2:52pm
Wow - you are all amazing! I had no idea that other betrayed spouses were made to feel it was their fault. I thought it was only me...and that it might be true. Reading your responses really gives me an inner strength to get through this afternoon and evening with the kids. Husband is calling tonight to talk. I talked to lawyer today about custody, she asked him to come in to discuss and he blew up at her and then at me. I'm sure I'm in for it from him tonight. But my plan is to hold firm and continue to state that I want to make sure we have a plan for the kids - that's it. All he could think about was his ego...If you have a lawyer then I should have one too....when all I wanted was a legally knowledgable person to help us through the custody arrangement for the separation. Who knew he would be so angry? Well, maybe you all did, but I didn't expect it. I'm learning every day!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Thu, 09-01-2005 - 10:32pm
Shayna, he got caught with his pants down and wants to blame you for noticing. Don't feel alone. Hugs and the very best of luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 09-02-2005 - 5:38am

Hi and welcome! I am so sorry for your pain! I got divorced about 1 year ago, i left my EX 2 years ago. my husband did not cheat on me - but we had our issues. my ex had severe sexual issues, was extremely controllling, abusive to my son and to me.


In some ways, it may have been

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2005
Fri, 09-02-2005 - 2:08pm
Thank you - have taken all the steps you suggest. Have also canceled travel plans for next couple of months. Need to decide on planned trip to NY w/kids and cruise in Dec. At this point everything is so up in the air. The 2 big plans for Sept/Oct are w/H friends, so I leave it to him to cancel, but he is such a procrastinator that I feel bad for the Bar Mitzvah family that doesn't know I'm not coming, and we've already paid for a trip to Las Vegas that he may still go on. Wonder what will become of my tickets?