I am a 41 year old two time loser

Avatar for somanytears
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2005
I am a 41 year old two time loser
5
Wed, 10-05-2011 - 2:39pm

I need help feel like I am losing my mind. A recap I married the first time at 18, had two boys and was married for 9years, when my ex-husband(who was having an affair) left me. Hated men for quite awhile after a few years , but ended up meeting someone, had another son, been married 81/2 years, he left Saturday. Both of them just not happy, to many similarities, its eerie. Thankfully this time I have a good job, and house, but I am scared to death My oldest son just started college at RIT, I have a 14 year old, and an 8 year old.Having a hard time functioning normally.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 10-05-2011 - 4:35pm

Of course you are having a hard time since your DH just left--you haven't had time to adjust.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Wed, 10-05-2011 - 9:45pm

I agree with Music.. and a sep. and divorced group will help you ..

I will add though that your feelings are real and need to be validated. You are not a loser.. I am also divorced twice.. You will find a lot of people who are divorced twice.

right now you have a good job and a house and kids to take care of so try to hold onto that as best you can.

You are going to have to grieve again and you know what?? You might do better this time because you will have known what to expect and deal with. Not dismissing the pain and anquish of divorce but just saying it might help that you were already divorced and know what to expect.

I agree with Music also in that we all have to keep learning hard valuable lessons until we get it right.. Please take this time and be gentle with yourself and take care of you and reflect on

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Thu, 10-06-2011 - 12:26am

Somanytears-

Hi. As the others said, of course, you're going to be

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Sat, 10-08-2011 - 9:20pm

Hi,

You were smart enough the first time not to jump right back into a second marriage before some time had passed. As it happens, people often marry the same kind of person in the second marriage for one simple reason: They didn't do the work on themselves to discover what it is they really wanted in a relationship and either rushed into another marriage to quickly, or they failed to do the discovery on themselves before they got involved.

My advice to you is twofold:
1)You obviously can take care of yourself day to day. Now you need to allow yourself time to heal and take care of your family.

2)Before you go back out there in a dating sense, whether that's now or later, you need to discover why you keep picking the same kind of guy. Something is happening 8-9 years into these relationships and it may be so close to you that you can't see it. A good therapist can help you learn something about what's happening.

Otherwise, employ a good divorce attorney and make sure you have excellent representation for child support and division of debts and assets.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2011
Sat, 10-08-2011 - 11:54pm
I am in the same boat as you... 2nd husband walked out 4 days ago after 8 years together. I'm not functioning well either... crying in bed all the time, drinking too much, not eating. I thought he was the one I was going to grow old with and now he's gone. I feel your pain honey. I don't know what to do with myself and feel almost paralyzed. Keep me posted on how you are doing. There are people who care for you, even strangers.
Hugs.