I am the "cheater". Tips?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2005
I am the "cheater". Tips?
29
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 6:10pm

So I cheated. Now going through divorce. (Many other issues at the root of things, but the cheating got the ball rolling).

Of course I am the bad guy to everyone because I am the "cheater" and not the one "cheated on". Any tips on how to handle "friends" that are being jerks because of the situation?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 10:09pm

My situation is similar (I'll explain first to help). I was in an EMA and decided to leave my Ex (again, other issues like you said). the ex never found out, but some mutual friends did. the good news, they never told him but they were kind of cruddy to me. I'm not sure what your situation with the OM is, but i'm still with mine and he's also left his wife.

that said, dealing with people now is a mixture of ignoring it, sucking it up, realizing that in some ways you deserve it and in other ways these folks don't understand that, while wrong, there were things wrong with your marraige or else this never would have happened. there will be some you will lose - they weren't your friends really in the first place and can't see past that. there are others who will say crappy things; ignore them. there are others you'll think would NEVER understand who do. it's weird. just be prepared to suck up a lot of crappy comments right now.

as a footnote, the mutual friends who found out about my EMA now double date with me and my b/f. they've gotten over it.

i hope that helps. the divorce is hard enough without the other stuff going on.

k

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 11:18pm
Hi!

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2005
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 11:59pm

Sorry - don't have any tips since I was the betrayed one - but I'm sure there are some women who ended up on this board as a result of an affair - I'm sure they've got some great suggestions!!!

Maybe the friends aren't jerks????

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2005
Wed, 12-14-2005 - 12:03am
Glad your mutual friends "got over it." They're really great friends!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Wed, 12-14-2005 - 6:16am
The word jerk is a pretty relative term. My ex cheated on me and he was a jerk. Glad that your friends have stood by you through this. Your stbx will probably have his share of friends to stand by him as well. Take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2005
Wed, 12-14-2005 - 7:12pm
I cheated, too. I take full responsibility for what I did, although I call the affair "the nail in the coffin of our dead marriage." I apologized to everyone I hurt because of what I did (the ex, the kids, my family, his family, our friends, my employer, etc.) Nothing can change the past, so you have to move forward and try to accept things for what they are now. I see now that I could have left the marriage another way without having to hurt so many people. I still feel a lot of guilt about it. Enough that I don't have to let other people make me feel guilty anymore. I feel that I have paid my price. This seems to be a sore subject, especially on this board, because more of us are here because of being betrayed, not being the betrayer. I do not judge other people, and those that judge me usually have their own skeletons in the closet. You have to be truly sorry for your actions, let those that are around you be aware of your remorse, and then move on, with or without them. Good luck. It does suck to be us, too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Thu, 12-15-2005 - 2:40pm

i think it's wonderful that you apologized. i would love that from my ex -- just an acknowledgement. i know i won't get it though.

i'm fully aware that my marriage was over before he cheated -- it's just that i see nothing virtuous in staying in a marriage until you find someone else. granted, i didn't leave the marriage either -- but, i didn't cheat.

my ex denies the affair -- even with the florist bills, etc. i just wish he could have been like you -- a grown-up who respected her ex enough to apologize.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Thu, 12-15-2005 - 6:01pm

I can relate to you as well. My ex denies ever cheating on me before we broke up, but how convenient that just as we seperated he moved in with another woman behind my back. Kinda "sudden" for not having been involved with her already! Not to mention stories that I heard from my NEIGHBORS of all people that my kids were locked out of the house at times during the summer so they could be intimate, probably in OUR bed! Our relationship wasn't the greatest either, but how could it have been GREAT when I was the only one trying to work on things?! I can take pride now in the fact that I earned my way out of the relationship. I didn't sneak out like a coward like my ex did. I was faithful for 12 years. I respected him enough not the cheat on him, and he didn't return the favor. I do find justice in the fact that she wanted him, not she has him! She gets to support him financially now and be his "mommie", not me. I am doing better in all ways, and he is in the same position. Kinda makes me feel smug knowing that. I didn't get my apology from him either, but I did get custody of the kids, the home, the furniture, one of the cars, $927 so far in child support, and my freedom from a unhappy relationship.

Apology ACCEPTED!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 12-15-2005 - 9:02pm

Very well said.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2005
Thu, 12-15-2005 - 11:24pm

It's great that people who have cheated have apologized and "moved on," however, do they really realize how much pain and destruction this act has caused??? Somehow just saying "My bad" doesn't quite seem enough. Maybe in this age of moral relativism it is though....

Please don't say I'm throwing stones - I don't live in a glass house, but so far none of my pebbles has cracked the surface.....

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