I am the "cheater". Tips?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2005
I am the "cheater". Tips?
29
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 6:10pm

So I cheated. Now going through divorce. (Many other issues at the root of things, but the cheating got the ball rolling).

Of course I am the bad guy to everyone because I am the "cheater" and not the one "cheated on". Any tips on how to handle "friends" that are being jerks because of the situation?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 12-15-2005 - 11:43pm

What would you have us do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Fri, 12-16-2005 - 9:51am

I get what you are saying. I always felt about my ex that he just didn't get it. For a long time I wanted his life to stop; not literally, but you know what I mean. I wanted him to hurt like I had hurt and I REALLY wanted to be the one to do it so he would know what it was like. He says that he knows that he hurt me and that I "was wronged" is how he worded it. I guess that was his way of apologizing even though he never really came out and said it. Even if he had, I don't think it would have changed or lessened my pain any, but at least I would have known that he wasn't entirely a monster like I had painted him to be. Maybe that would have helped. I would love to sit down with him sometime and just hash everything out. I was never given the opportunity really to confront him face to face without anyone else being there so we could talk frankly. Since they have moved back, they have been together at my son's band concert, my daughter's school music program and ballet program. We are all civil and they act as if they did nothing wrong. We are all just supposed to be one big "happy" family I guess. Me, the kids, him, and the woman he cheated on me with! I have never heard an apology from her either. I'm glad though that they are together and that he has someone else. I can't be his mom anymore so he has someone who can. That's a burden off my shoulders. But it still hurts. I disagree with those who say they "know" how badly they hurt their spouse. They don't really know, unless its happened to them also. Being hurt that bad changes who you are.

You feel it in every bone in your body, in your heart and in your soul. You question everything. Why wasn't I good enough? What could I have done differently? Was anything real? Was EVERYTHING just a lie? I couldn't eat, or sleep, or work or take care of my kids, I could barely leave the house. I would lay down to sleep and close my eyes and there was nothing sedating about it. I couldn't catch my breath and when I did finally sleep from exhaustion I had to sleep in a reclined position. No one in my life has ever told that they know what I went through. They know better than to say that. I have one friend who can relate. That's it. I really miss who I was before all this happened. But I know I am better in alot of ways, and I know I'm strong. I don't have to prove that at all. No one who knows me will ever question that. And I will never question again what I am capable of. I have more confidence now, more self esteem. It sounds strange to say, the lies and deception and cheating from my ex took away my self esteem and confidence, but through it I have managed to come away with more than I had to start with. I know who I am now. What I will and won't tolerate. And I have a better life now, better than I had with him. I finally have what I should have had all along. I wouldn't call that an apology, but I've thanked him in my head nonetheless.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2005
Fri, 12-16-2005 - 10:36am
What can we do other than say sorry and move on? Yes, it sucks to be cheated on. I am sorry for the hurt that I caused. Beyond that, there isn't much you *can* do. It happened. It's not that I just said "my bad" and then all was good. It's that there is nothing more I can do but let time heal the wounds. I guess you wouldn't understand unless you were the "cheater". And I am sure that if you have been "cheated on", you would harbor many angry feelings on the topic, so it would be hard for you to understand.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Fri, 12-16-2005 - 10:52am

I was cheated on however I don't hold any resentments towards the outcome of the situation.

You said it yourself, you need to just let time heal and that can apply to your friends too, some may stay your friends, some may want to distance themselves and some may be cold to you at first and warm later. But you just need to let time heal any wounds and not try to force the issue.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Fri, 12-16-2005 - 11:05am
Cheating, to me, is indicative of a MAJOR character flaw. This is a flaw I cannot live with, no matter what. When you marry, your vows mean something. When these vows are broken, it changes who you are. It's that simple. I'm a person of integrity and I expect the same from my spouse. Cheating is easy; cheating is ignorant, and cheating is common and low. When you cheat, you cheat yourself too. And you know what? You deserve what you get.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Fri, 12-16-2005 - 11:12am
Are you talking to me or the OP????
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Fri, 12-16-2005 - 11:42am
oh no, not to you. just stating my opinion on what is a very destructive and selfish act.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2005
Fri, 12-16-2005 - 3:24pm
Such bitterness. Have you been cheated on? I assume so due to your hostility.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2005
Fri, 12-16-2005 - 6:13pm

"Of course I am the bad guy to everyone because I am the "cheater" and not the one "cheated on". Any tips on how to handle "friends" that are being jerks because of the situation?"

I don't think it's your friends that are being "jerks". Have you apologized (sincerely)? Have you tried to talk to them & explain things? If not, then I wouldn't be surprised if they were no longer friends of yours. Even after you do those things, some people will never be able to be friends with you again because of your choices. Some will get over it & yet others will not care at all.

Before you ask, I did not cheat, nor was I cheated on. My current roomie (& one of my closest friends) cheated in her marriage. She lost SEVERAL long-term friends (15+ years) because of it. They couldn't forgive her for what she did. I've spoken with her many times about it & she is fully aware that what she did wasn't the smartest, or best thing, but it's done. I have moved on from it. She's learned her lesson the "hard way" & is trying to better herself daily.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Sat, 12-17-2005 - 8:25am

you must read "hostile" into it out of guilt or whatever -- i'm not a psychologist.

i'm just stating facts, that's all.

i answered rosegarden's post. she said she cheated -- but she respected her ex enough to give a real apology. there's a lot to be said for REAL apologies.

it seems to me that you don't understand the impact of your cheating, that's all.

there's another board here for you i'm sure.