I am the "cheater". Tips?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2005
I am the "cheater". Tips?
29
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 6:10pm

So I cheated. Now going through divorce. (Many other issues at the root of things, but the cheating got the ball rolling).

Of course I am the bad guy to everyone because I am the "cheater" and not the one "cheated on". Any tips on how to handle "friends" that are being jerks because of the situation?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Sat, 12-17-2005 - 9:40am

I'm gonna throw in my 3.5 cents due to inflation and because I feel like I've seen this situation from 3 different angles in one

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2005
Sat, 12-17-2005 - 1:14pm

First,

I understand your situation, and I am glad that you are able to co-parent well and have been able to move on. However the original poster did sound quite flip - in "I'm the cheater" Tips? Oh and how do I deal with jerks? I hope she is able to move on, but it does seem that some people don't understand the damage adultery inflicts - on the other spouses, the children, the families and the friends. All the people involved need time to "move on" from this devastating action......

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Sat, 12-17-2005 - 2:35pm

I have a theory about friendships. True friends will be your friends in spite of alot of things. Those friends who leave your life because you did something that didn't affect them in the least, weren't your friends to begin with. My divorce taught me who my true friends were.... I lost several when I finally fessed up that we were separating. I realized that I didn't need anyone in my life who would be judgemental to me during a period of time that was very difficult.

Just as an example.... i have a good friend who's husband hid behind a screen name and verbally abused many of our mutual friends and ex-coworkers on a message board much like this one. He attacked people's careers and abilities, and since he did some of it from his job, he probably could have been fired if anyone had wanted to persue it. She had no clue that it was going on behind her back. He's a complete and had I been her, I wouldn't have let him back in my house for anything. She's really mad, but she's trying to work through it. HE hurt me and my friends, but she didn't. I don't agree with her decision to stay with him, but she's still my friend. Since he hurt me, however, he's off my list. I'll be polite if I see him, but I'm not inviting him into my house. Now, had she cheated on him, I couldn't choose sides.

Maybe I'm nuts, but aeb1979, if I were you, I'd just write those people off your Holiday card list and move on! Trust me, this too shall pass!

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Sat, 12-17-2005 - 6:16pm
Gonnabefine, I loved your post. I also believe that people make mistakes and have a right to overcome their pasts if they indeed are trying to overcome and move on. It takes a lot of self reflection to be able to see where they went wrong and go from there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Sun, 12-18-2005 - 7:04am

Thank you muchly!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 2:20pm

It sounds like some of your pain and burden to bear is that he cheated, and some of it is all the questions of why.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 2:49pm

My view on cheating was always the black & white "cheaters are immoral people." After having been cheated on and visiting this board I've actually softened my view a little. I think there are two kinds of cheaters. 1) Those who are otherwise decent people who in a miserable situation compromise their morals in an attempt to alleviate their misery. These people usually find cheating doesn't help anything and are genuinely remorseful. 2) Those who pretend to have higher morals than they actually do and feel their cheating is justified because of something their spouse has done. These people are more sorry they were caught than about what they did in the first place.

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When you cheat, it's not fair to say it doesn't affect your friends. Many friends may find themselves in the middle being forced to choose sides or attempt to be 'Switzerland' and maintain friendships with both spouses. As well, I want moral, honest people for my friends. When you discover your friend has been deceiving you and doing something that you are morally opposed to, you may feel as though you've never known the real person your 'friend' is and have instead been believing in a facade. So cheating does affect your friends.
As for being a true friend, I would support a friend who was in a bad situation and recognized he/she had made a bad choice and was sincerely remorseful. But if I couldn't believe my friend was remorseful and instead was trying to minimize his/her accountability and wasn't the person I believed he/she to be, I don't think I could continue the friendship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 5:52pm
well put sang froid. i agree entirely.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 8:25pm
That's exactly true. My ex has never apologized nor has he given me the opportunity to sit down with him face to face and get any explantations for his behavior. I have never been given that courtesy by him. He acts now if it nothing happened and that everything is fine and dandy now that everything is supposedly "out in the open". To me, though, not everything IS out in the open and I don't feel like he has been honest with me about everything and still lies to me now, about other things. Little things. I have a hard time with this and it is harder to move on when I don't feel like I have closure. How nice for my ex that he is able to move on. I would just like the same courtesy.

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