I am curious - mental/emotional abuse?

Avatar for josie_glausier
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
I am curious - mental/emotional abuse?
5
Thu, 09-22-2005 - 4:10pm

For those who have suffered mental/emotional abuse, what did it consist of? What happened at the divorce, was it brought up? If so, how do you think it affected your divorce outcome? Is your ex still emotionally abusive now?

The reason why I'm asking is because I was kind of wondering what the severity of my mental/emotional abuse is. My husband has been accusing me of having an affair for almost 2 months. The guy he's accusing me of having an affair with is an overweight, middle aged coworker (I'm a young girl, 24, and not into the santa claus guys, LOL). I have NOT been having an affair with my coworker!

But, he's gone as far as getting in my face, nose pressed against my cheek, screaming that I'm a nasty slut, a whore, and asking how I liked f**king him, blah blah. Physically, he has grabbed me by the wrist and pushed me HARD against the wall in the bathroom repeatedly one night. That night, he had me cornered in the bathroom, screaming in my face, (he was drunk, by the way), and he would frequently put his beer down and get into like a boxer's stance, telling me he's going to just beat the s**t out of me, beat the truth out of me.

Also, another thing that has REALLY REALLY been bothering me, and I've confronted him about this, is what he does at night. He will lay beside me in the bed, even have the NERVE to try to cuddle with me at the time, and when he thinks I'm asleep (which of course I'm not), he starts whispering things to me. He starts saying, "why are you lying? I know you're still f**king him, why won't you come clean? Why are you doing this to me? I loved you and cared about you, I just wanted it to work." I have thought about tape recording this, but like one poster said on another post, tape recording can be a felony in some states. But, it's tearing me down mentally.

And what also bothers me is that every time I tell him that I can't keep living like this, I can't keep going through this, he says "well make a move, and just let me know so I can make a move too. I'm not getting screwed out of everything." His idea of "make a move" is getting a lawyer, just to clarify. Anyhow, then he'll turn around and say, "why do you hate me so much? Have I been that bad of a husband? I've been good to you, why are you ending this? Why are you doing this to me?" Then he starts crying and saying that he has nothing without his family.

This IS mental/emotional abuse, right? I'm not overreacting or looking too far into it, am I? Oh, and when I confronted him about whispering to me and turning things around on me, he had the NERVE to tell me that I have mentally and emotionally abused him!!!! UGH! I can see him bringing that up in court, saying that I've started all of the fights and I yell and scream all of the time. I'm not worried about that, he's just going to make himself look stupid.

I hate to travel down this road, I don't want to dredge up any bad feelings for any of you, I just want to know if I'm justified or if I am looking too much into it?

Thanks,
Josie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-22-2005 - 5:09pm
I believe the national hotline number is 1-800-799-SAFE. This is not jsut emotional abuse, you are in physical danger and must get yourself a seperate roof immediately. I hope you have a police report for those times he threatened you. If he ever gets in your face again, call the police. If the police are slow in your area, go to them. Make your report to them and ask for a copy. You need new shelter immediately. And then an attorney after that. Be safe.
Avatar for susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Thu, 09-22-2005 - 5:13pm

Hi Josie,

I'm no expert about emotional abuse, but my STBX is emotionally abusive, and I did not realize the extent of it until he was out of the house. If someone continually degrades you or belittles you, I guess that's abuse. Dr Phil has some good info on emotional abuse:

<<<"Are You In an Emotionally Abusive Relationship?
Does your partner continuously degrade or belittle you? If you think that just because you aren't being physically abused nothing is wrong, think again.

Emotional abuse can have devastating consequences on both physical and mental health. While emotional or psychological abuse may be difficult to pinpoint, examples abound. Here are some characteristics:

Using economic power to control you
Threatening to leave
Making you afraid by using looks, gestures or actions
Smashing things
Controlling you through minimizing, denying and blaming
Making light of the abuse and not taking your concerns about it seriously
Continually criticizing you, calling you names, shouting at you
Emotionally degrading you in private, but acting charming in public
Humiliating you in private or public
Withholding approval, appreciation or affection as punishment">>>

My STBX has 7 of those 10 traits. I know the cl-leaders have posted links to the domestic violence and abuse boards before, maybe they can post them for you.
Good luck.

Avatar for josie_glausier
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 8:26am

Well, according to that list, my husband has 7 of the 10 characteristics.

It has only gotten physical 2 times, and that's more than enough. He's not usually physical, but the violence I heard in his voice Wednesday night was enough to scare me. His friend, now my best friend, Jen, was on the phone with me at the time, and she said she could not believe he was that violent. She said, "oh my God, you can HEAR the violence in his voice." I want to believe he'd never do anything like that, and I can take care of myself, but I still don't know.

And I have not filed any charges on him or gone to the police for anything, and the lawyer knows. The lawyer actually saw the bruises on my wrists from when he was squeezing them and pushing me against the wall and sitting on me on the bed. He asked why I didn't have him arrested that night, and I told him that the only reason I didn't do it was because I was scared. I was scared of him, and I was scared of how my kids would react to having their daddy put in jail by their mommy. I know, the abuse isn't any better for them to witness, and my sister chewed me out for not having him arrested that night. But, I've promised myself and her that if he ever lays another hand on me, he will be going to jail.

I appreciate the concerns. I don't want to make him out to be an abuser, but if the shoe fits.....

Thanks,
Josie

Avatar for susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 8:31am

<< I don't want to make him out to be an abuser, but if the shoe fits.....>>

Exactly. He's responsible for his actions, not you.

My STBX is more of the passive-aggressive type of emotional abuser. I hope that makes sense! He's been physical twice during our marriage, but according to him, it was MY fault.

Stay safe!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 8:53am

Josie, I don't think there's any doubt that your relationship is abusive. If you visit the domestic abuse board (I posted the link for you before, and can again if you want), you can find a lot of information that will help you understand this situation. There are checklists for how to determine whether you're in an abusive situation and how potentially dangerous your abuser is. From what you've posted, your abuser is very emotionally abusive, he is physically abusive - in grabbing you, pushing you against the wall, and also using physical intimidation when he's not touching you, and sexually abusive, plus he's stalking you. His behaviour is not normal, and as he realizes you are serious about divorce he could become much worse. The most dangerous time is when you leave an abuser.

In my case, I didn't realize my ex was abusive until after the separation. I knew things weren't quite right between us and I lived my life on eggshells trying not to set off an explosion of temper, but because he never hit me I didn't realize it was abuse. I've never confronted him with it. He continued to be abusive long after the separation, but now as a combination of my refusing to react to his attempts to push my buttons and his finding a new partner to abuse, he actually treats me better than when we were together. When we have to talk now, I almost believe he really is this nice, decent guy he's pretending to be. But I know if he ever found out I'd said anything about him he'd do everything he could to make my life miserable.