I am DONE why does it still hurt so bad?
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| Sat, 04-22-2006 - 2:04pm |
I filed for divorce a couple of weeks ago. Just got my copy of the papers in the mail yesterday. STBX got his last night apparently... when I spoke to him he said that his father told him that they were there. He had like no emotion about it. I finally spoke to him on the phone after not talking to him all week... I tried to call several times about DD and finances. Last weekend he was talking about working things out, but once again, he followed that with no actions whatsoever. Even avoiding my calls all week. He is still seeing OW of course... got a $220 phone bill... 3000 minutes to OW in two months. Thank God it's in his name. I'm not paying it. I was so ticked. He only spent 3 hours with DD this week... didn't even call to check on her. She is only 7 months old. She doesn't even know him. He was too busy with work and the tramp apparently.

Hi Summer,
I could have written your post. I just found out about my DH and OW last Thursay. I called a lawyer on Tuesday of this week after I went to DH to tell him I wanted to work it out no matter what. He then told me that he and the whore were getting a place together. I still feel sad too but I do NOT want him back. He was always putting his friends before me and DD and DS. They are 4 and 1. We will be much better off. I am just worried right now about all of the financial issues. I think the thing that stresses me out the most is just the unknown. I just want to get all of the changes made so I can settle into a nice, new, little life. It's freaking scary.
Sheila
Hi,
I have been divorced for almost 3 years and it still hurts, but not as much. My husband left me and I took it really hard, but it has also made me very strong. I think the hurt comes from realizing that how you ended up isn't what you envisioned when you first married. I was so happy when I got married and was looking forward to a great life together. That period of time is what I miss and feel sad about. I can't pinpoint exactly when all that changed. Even though I know my ex was such a jerk at times, many times verbally abusive, even physically a few times, I also still remember what he was like when he was being a nice guy who was intelligent and funny. That's the person I miss and that's where the hurt comes in, realizing that person doesn't love me anymore. Also, realizing that someone I was once so connected to can just completely disconnect and move on as if I never existed.
If he had another woman, I wasn't aware of it. I think that is the ultimate pain you must be going through with your husband. Just realize that he is the loser here, not you. If he cheated on you, he will eventually cheat on her, too. You have a precious baby that you can be a good mommy to. If your ex continues the way he is, he will lose out on that relationship altogether. He'll end up with a life full of regrets. I think the more friends and family you have around you, the less the pain will be. God has definitely helped me through this. When I think I can't take anymore, somewhere this supernatural strength comes out of nowhere and I move forward.
Wishing you the best - stay strong!
Gayle
Hi Summer!
To answer your question...the reason it hurts is:
Hugs~ Lexi
"Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars" ~ Les Brown
Her post was great - and I also love the quote at the bottom. Truer words have not been spoken.
Good luck to you.
Erica
Hey,
The truth about divorce is it's never clear-cut steps and then "end." It's a series of decisions, baby steps forward and big (emotional) leaps backward, and its a long, uphill climb. Your husband made his decision to leave the marriage before he found a girlfriend and once he got involved with her it was his way of justifying leaving. IMO it sounds like he just didn't want to grow up (marriage plus baby = maturity and responsibility). He's still acting like a teenager. Chances are he'll leave GF too at some point the same way.
Grieve the steps and let your anger out as constructively as possible. During my divorce process (8+ years ago now) I took my anger to the gym. I pumped iron, ran, swam, biked, and did areobics. I was rewarded with a great new body and a terrific sense of accomplishment. Find some way to do the same for yourself. You have a terrific reason to look ahead and she's 7 months old right now. Your husband has screwed himself and one day when he's alot older, getting gray/bald, and no woman will look twice at him, he'll finally understand what he traded away.
Take care of yourself and your daughter. Every day gets a little easier.
Peace and blessings,
Wisdomtooth
I think Lexi did a wonderful job explaining why you feel as you do. You are mourning what you USED to have, as well as mourning what you WISH you could have. You are certainly not mourning what you presently have with your STBX. Take the time to go through the stages of grief and let your friends/family help you. Believe me, I know it's hard to let go and to take the high road and not tell him what you think. That will just make your situation more difficult, and he will think "wow, I'm glad I got away from her." He may never "get" what he did. Not to bash men, but they are just different in so many ways, especially when it comes to family and relationships.
Good luck!
p.s. Maybe your doctor can prescribe something to calm you down before you have to meet with him for any reason. I take a Xanax when I'm have a really difficult day. I've made those 60 pills last for almost a year, but they've been a lifesaver when I've needed them.
takingalittlebreak said it very well! I swear, sometimes I feel like I would go through all seven stages of grief in one single DAY! And so what you yelled at him? We'll give you a free pass for this one. Be kind to yourself. This is a trauma you're going through. You can't be expected to behave perfectly 24 hours a day. Give yourself a little leeway. Obviously, for your own mental health, you don't want to go around screaming at your STBX constantly, but if you needed to get some things off your chest the other day, so be it.
I know one thing that helped several people was writing a letter to their ex's. A mean, horrible letter, pouring out every reason why they were awful, unfair, terrible, etc........but they did NOT send it. They either flushed it, burned it, or threw it away. Journaling also really helps. When I was about to get mental, I would start journaling. It also gives you a way to look back over the months/weeks and see how far you've come.
Just know you are not the only one going through this. I was the initiator of my divorce, and I still went through feelings of anger, hurt, missing him, etc. But I promise, each day, these feelings will start to fade. HUGS!!
What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Edited 4/23/2006 6:49 pm ET by cl-justiceandtruth