I am drowning

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
I am drowning
4
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 9:03pm

My husband and I officially agreed last night to seperate. We have been together for 12 years, married for 8 1/2. We have had some major issues the last 2 years, and have been in counseling, but after coming through a really hellish year this year - 3 surgeries, 2 major car accidents (neither our fault), and my loss of fertility. That on top of the fact that we had been having some issues the past few years and had been in couples' therapy anyway, and I guess the strain finally broke us. The strange thing was...I actually thought we were doing well. My health was back, I'm back temping and am going on interviews for a new job, hubby seemed loving the past few months, so I was completely unprepared for this. We had a major fight the weekend before Thanksgiving over a seemingly inconsequential thing that quickly escalated in to him saying "Sometimes I wonder why I married you." WTF? I was left reeling, as this seemed out of left field. I couldn't believe it. 36 hours later he left for the holiday week for his family's place - with no contact. I called and left a vm on Tuesday just to touch base, and he completely ignored it. He got back last night and we talked, and he said he was done. Truth be told, I am kind of done too, which is this reaction I'm having - complete numbness and paralysis mixed with the most searing pain imaginable mixed in with constant crying - is throwing me for a loop. I keep thinking there is no way I can make it. I can't do this. I have no idea how I can survive this pain. I have been with him my entire adult life, and we are intrinsically a part of eachother's fiber in so many hidden, unexpected ways.

The kicker of it is, we both love each other deeply. There has been no infidelity on either of our parts, just a feeling that it's not getting better. We are both very unhappy, and perhaps we just can't give each other what we need. There are no kids, just 2 dogs and a house...which unfortunately we both still have to live in until I get a full-time job (which should be soon, hopefully) as we can't support two households w/o it.

I am feeling desperate and needy, which I hate, and am fighting with every ounce of strength I have not grovel and beg him not to do this. I am a strong, independent woman? What is THAT about???

And the best part? NOW he is showing some individuality and follow-through, something that has been a major issue for us these past 2 years. (He lost himself in the marriage, and blamed me for it. It's been a big problem for both of us.) I found myself looking across the table at him and thinking, why couldn't you be this person before this?

I asked him to do a seperation and not jump in to divorce, and he agreed. I get the feeling, though, that he thinks there is no hope. We have a session with our couples' therapist tomorrow morning. I have no idea how it will go.

I apologize if this is rambling and doesn't make sense. I am lost. I am drowning. It feels hopeless.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 7:33am

Of course you feel helpless, and very sad. I may be wrong, but I see lots of hope to be had...

your husband sounds like a decent person, and you definitely had a hard year... so hard, that it would have been surprising if all went through smoothly. Perhaps you will divorce, but perhaps all you both need is a good break, and the time to think, consider and find again the good things that you used to share together, and that made you fall for each other.

In the end, if divorce it will be, it will be well thought, and for good reasons - not over anger and revenge. Take heed in this and believe in yourself. YOu are a strong and indipendent woman - but that does not mean you have no feelings, or that you don't need others in your life. We all do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 11:30am

Blue,


Here's my question: Have you two ever had a discussion about your EXPECTATIONS for your marriage? What I mean is, have you ever sat down and talked over your needs and wants. Those take many forms. It can be as simple as "I'd like to spend every Christmas Eve with my parents." or as complex as "I don't want children." A lot of marriages fall victim to silent deaths because spouses never utter outloud what they truly think, want, and need to each other.


The stressful events you've experienced also pull apart a weak marriage while it may strengthen a strong marriage.


It's also possible the two of you never saw each other as partners but as competitors. A lot of couple "keep score" with each other and in the end no one wins. Try examining your own expecations and have the courage to voice them. You may be surprised.


good luck,

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 4:48pm

Thanks so much for your reply, Folle. It actually made me feel a lot better.

Last night was horrible, but I woke up this morning with a sense of calm and resolve that I haven't felt in a week. I think we probably do need a break, a time to heal ourselves from the past year in our own way. I hope it doesn't lead to divorce, but I honestly am not sure. We had a couples' session this morning that was a mixed bag. She pointed out something that had never really hit home before - our vulnerable spots unfortunately coincide precisely at the same point. For example - I don't like it when he yells at me when he's upset. And he feels that by me asking him not to yell I am saying his emotions are inappropriate. The difficult thing is that even validating that and saying "No, your emotions are valid and ok to have. I just need you not to vent at me and express them to me in that way" isn't getting anywhere with him. It is a difficult realization to come to the understanding that we want the same thing, but may not be able to give it to each other.

Or perhaps that is too premature to tell, right now.

Anyway, thanks again for your thoughful reply. I really appreciated it.

- BlueSkies

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 5:05pm

Hi WisdomTooth,

Actually, we have spent a lot of time talking about our needs and wants. The thing that is difficult is that we want the same thing, and seem unable to give it to the other despite our best efforts.

There has *definitely* been a dynamic of competition...it feels a lot like sibling rivalry, actually. It seems to be instigated largely by H. - he gets indignant and insists that he get his fair share of whatever...it truly feels like a temper tantrum at times. I am no angel, and definitely played in to this unwittingly for a long time. My own individual therapy helped me to see my own part in this, and I stopped playing the game, pointing it out to him as well. But he gets very sensitive about me pointing out dynamics and insists that I stop "psychoanalyzing" him. He is also in his own individual therapy (he is chronically depressed and has clinically diagnosed ADD, both of which he takes meds for), so I just have stopped trying to mention it and hope that it is eventually addressed in his own therapy.

I do have to say that I do my best to try and own my part of the dynamic, and feel good about making great strides in adjusting some behaviours of mine that definitely needed adjusting. My goal in all of this is to be able to say, if this does end in divorce, that I did everything within my power to make it work. Though H. has also made strides, unfortunately he still blames me for many of the problems. In fact, until a few days ago when we were discussing separation, I was unable to get him to admit responsibility for anything. It can be very frusterating. Much of my individual work is not taking on ALL the responsibility for the problems, which I tend to do. It's a process.

~BlueSkies