I am finally ready for the end.
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|Fri, 01-04-2013 - 9:03am|
I was here a few years ago contemplating divorce, but things evened out and we seemed to figure out a way to get through the next couple years. A little background, this is my 2nd dh. I did not want to get married again really, and really thought it was understood. He and my 2 sdd moved in with me and my children in 2000, and together we moved forward and raised his kids/mine. Yeah, blending families was not because he and his ex fought constantly. If anything, it helped me and my ex because I saw what it was doing to his children and did not want that to happen to mine. But that caused problems too since I was always 'too nice' to my ex, the kids came first and he didn't blah blah blah. We seperated for awhile and he convinced me or rather I convinced myself that all of our problems were due to me. I worked full time at that point in a job I didn't love but didn't hate and was moving up the chain year after year. It took away from the home. I knew that but I never wanted to be financially dependent on anyone after going through my divorce and spending the first year wondering how to put food on the table for my 6 children. I hated that worse. To make a long story short I agreed to get married and quit my job to save the relationship, because don't you know it was my fault that things were bad. It lasted 18 months and I went back to work at my old job and consistently moved up into my current position. We are now down to 2 children left at home, all the others raised and moved on with families of their own. They are my bio 2 sons, 16 and 18. The 16 yo is in hs and the 18 works pt and goes to community college (cc) part time. His ex and he don't argue as much as they used to since their last one is 19 now. But, in the end, the relationship is torn and shattered for so many reasons. In April, I explained to him that we needed to consider going to counseling, working on 'our' relationship or thinking about the future. All the same old promises that meant nothing and no counselor. In July I started seeing a counselor on my own to work on me. I keep falling back into the 'everything is my fault' and really, logically I know that it isn't. I have made major sacrifices for this relationship..He has not.
The friday before Christmas, I was taken by ambulance to the ER. I had been sick since before Thanksgiving. I had gone to the dr a few times and still kept working. Turns out, I had contracted a virus and gotten fluid around my heart. So 3 days in the hospital and returned home on Christmas eve. My dh visited one time, on day 2, and did nothing to help out around the house while I was gone. Didn't grocery shop nothing. So, Christmas eve my older children went to the groc store for me, helped me get my meds and oxygen. I still have difficulty but I won't need the oxygen for the 3 months doc says I will. My dh chose this time to give me what for missing work (like I wanted to sit around the house), what a piece of crap I was etc etc. I realized that he is always like this, kicking me when I am down to make me feel bad about myself. Always. Then later apologize about being stressed or worried or whatever and what I need to do to not do that to him. It is now 2 weeks later and not once have we spoken since that day. I made it perfectly clear that it was the last time he would sucker punch me (hypothetically) when I was down. The funny thing is I am strong confident woman in every area of my life but this relationship.
I am making plans to leave. I go back to work Monday, YAH. My co workers have been so wonderful to me during this time. My dh has sat in his bedroom drinking beer and watching bowl games. I realized that I can only do what is right for me, and that is to leave. Its hard no matter what the circumstances since I have invested 13 years and a good amount of self esteem in this. But, I being sick like I have never been before and STILL taking care of myself and the youngest made me realize I can do anything. I don't need my dh and honestly I don't want him either. I can't remember when I did.
I guess I just need a little support on taking the steps. I will take them, just need a push from time to time. Being alone at 47 feels like a big step but I won't really be alone. My children have been wonderful (including my sdd), without them the first few days I don't know how I would have gotten anything done. Christmas was a bust this year and I also realized that every holiday with my dh has been horrible. He acts like this starting in Nov and it doesn't end till Jan. I have given excuse after excuse for his behavior, he got married the first time on Thanksgiving so I always kinda thought he withdrew a bit in a greiving kind of way. He is not one to seek help or anything so all these years, in a quest to not be a failure a second time I have given him a lot of leeway. I know how hard it is to see your family go up in smoke, but it never dawned on me until recently how little responsibility he takes for that...the first or second marriage. It is always someone else. He is going to be a super idiot. I already know it. I don't want a whole lot in the end, I am not angry. I am sad it didn't work out but optomistic about the future and what it holds for me. He thinks I can never live without him. He goes to the grocery store for himself, doesn't speak to me or the kids and basically acts a like a 2 yo at this point. So yeah its not going to be fun. So, say a prayer for me or whatever you are inclined to do. Its going to be a bumpy ride and I know that which is why I am hesitating to go forth and get the lawyer to send the paperwork. I have an apartment lined up for Feb 1 and when I take the 1/2 of money out of the bank on Jan 31 all heck is going to break loose. There is a part of me that is scared. There is a part of me that doesn't care. There is a part of me that is so sad for my kids because he will never speak to them again. And my grandchildren will never see/hear from their papa again. Not that he comes around a lot but he is their Papa. But, I can't use that as a reason to stay. I used the kids for a long time. I didn't want another mother to abandon his dd's and I didn't want my kids to think committment was a shallow word that meant nothing.
Thanks for listening...it feels better to say it someone...that I am leaving and not coming back. I am not sorry I am going..just sorry I didn't do it sooner. The only anger I have right now is towards myself for being so inconsiderate to my own personal wishes for the last 13 years. I don't want to regret. I just want to go.