I am finally ready for the end.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2003
I am finally ready for the end.
11
Fri, 01-04-2013 - 9:03am

I was here a few years ago contemplating divorce, but things evened out and we seemed to figure out a way to get through the next couple years.  A little background, this is my 2nd dh.  I did not want to get married again really, and really thought it was understood.  He and my 2 sdd moved in with me and my children in 2000, and together we moved forward and raised his kids/mine.  Yeah, blending families was not because he and his ex fought constantly.  If anything, it helped me and my ex because I saw what it was doing to his children and did not want that to happen to mine.  But that caused problems too since I was always 'too nice' to my ex, the kids came first and he didn't blah blah blah.  We seperated for awhile and he convinced me or rather I convinced myself that all of our problems were due to me.  I worked full time at that point in a job I didn't love but didn't hate and was moving up the chain year after year.  It took away from the home.  I knew that but I never wanted to be financially dependent on anyone after going through my divorce and spending the first year wondering how to put food on the table for my 6 children.  I hated that worse.  To make a long story short I agreed to get married and quit my job to save the relationship, because don't you know it was my fault that things were bad.  It lasted 18 months and I went back to work at my old job and consistently moved up into my current position.  We are now down to 2 children left at home, all the others raised and moved on with families of their own.  They are my bio 2 sons, 16 and 18.  The 16 yo is in hs and the 18 works pt and goes to community college (cc) part time.  His ex and he don't argue as much as they used to since their last one is 19 now.  But, in the end, the relationship is torn and shattered for so many reasons.  In April, I explained to him that we needed to consider going to counseling, working on 'our' relationship or thinking about the future.  All the same old promises that meant nothing and no counselor.  In July I started seeing a counselor on my own to work on me.  I keep falling back into the 'everything is my fault' and really, logically I know that it isn't.  I have made major sacrifices for this relationship..He has not.

The friday before Christmas, I was taken by ambulance to the ER.  I had been sick since before Thanksgiving.  I had gone to the dr a few times and still kept working.  Turns out, I had contracted a virus and gotten fluid around my heart.  So 3 days in the hospital and returned home on Christmas eve.  My dh visited one time, on day 2, and did nothing to help out around the house while I was gone.  Didn't grocery shop nothing.  So, Christmas eve my older children went to the groc store for me, helped me get my meds and oxygen.  I still have difficulty but I won't need the oxygen for the 3 months doc says I will.  My dh chose this time to give me what for missing work (like I wanted to sit around the house), what a piece of crap I was etc etc.  I realized that he is always like this, kicking me when I am down to make me feel bad about myself.  Always.  Then later apologize about being stressed or worried or whatever and what I need to do to not do that to him.  It is now 2 weeks later and not once have we spoken since that day.  I made it perfectly clear that it was the last time he would sucker punch me (hypothetically) when I was down.   The funny thing is I am strong confident woman in every area of my life but this relationship.

I am making plans to leave.  I go back to work Monday, YAH.  My co workers have been so wonderful to me during this time.  My dh has sat in his bedroom drinking beer and watching bowl games.  I realized that I can only do what is right for me, and that is to leave.  Its hard no matter what the circumstances since I have invested 13 years and a good amount of self esteem in this.  But, I being sick like I have never been before and STILL taking care of myself and the youngest made me realize I can do anything.  I don't need my dh and honestly I don't want him either.  I can't remember when I did. 

I guess I just need a little support on taking the steps.  I will take them, just need a push from time to time.  Being alone at 47 feels like a big step but I won't really be alone.  My children have been wonderful (including my sdd), without them the first few days I don't know how I would have gotten anything done.  Christmas was a bust this year and I also realized that every holiday with my dh has been horrible.  He acts like this starting in Nov and it doesn't end till Jan.  I have given excuse after excuse for his behavior, he got married the first time on Thanksgiving so I always kinda thought he withdrew a bit in a greiving kind of way.  He is not one to seek help or anything so all these years, in a quest to not be a failure a second time I have given him a lot of leeway.  I know how hard it is to see your family go up in smoke, but it never dawned on me until recently how little responsibility he takes for that...the first or second marriage.  It is always someone else.  He is going to be a super idiot.  I already know it.  I don't want a whole lot in the end, I am not angry.  I am sad it didn't work out but optomistic about the future and what it holds for me.  He thinks I can never live without him.  He goes to the grocery store for himself, doesn't speak to me or the kids and basically acts a like a 2 yo at this point.  So yeah its not going to be fun.  So, say a prayer for me or whatever you are inclined to do.  Its going to be a bumpy ride and I know that which is why I am hesitating to go forth and get the lawyer to send the paperwork.  I have an apartment lined up for Feb 1 and when I take the 1/2 of money out of the bank on Jan 31 all heck is going to break loose.  There is a part of me that is scared.  There is a part of me that doesn't care.  There is a part of me that is so sad for my kids because he will never speak to them again.  And my grandchildren will never see/hear from their papa again.  Not that he comes around a lot but he is their Papa.  But, I can't use that as a reason to stay.  I used the kids for a long time.  I didn't want another mother to abandon his dd's and I didn't want my kids to think committment was a shallow word that meant nothing. 

Thanks for listening...it feels better to say it someone...that I am leaving and not coming back.  I am not sorry I am going..just sorry I didn't do it sooner.  The only anger I have right now is towards myself for being so inconsiderate to my own personal wishes for the last 13 years.  I don't want to regret.  I just want to go.

K

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2012
Wed, 02-06-2013 - 11:21pm
Just read your posts. In your original post, you said something about being alone at 47. Well, right there with ya! For me, I finally left at 45. I had met a woman who was a bit older, and was so bitter about her husband and her life. I thought there was no way I wanted to be that! If I got out, then I would have plenty of good years ahead. Married for almost 25 years. After almost 3 years of separation, we are finally divorcing. Just making it all legal. Hasn't been all a bed of roses, being alone, but it sure beats the hell out of being alone while being with someone. Especially is better than having someone treat you like dirt everyday. I take my share of the blame for the disaster out marriage turned out to be, but I didn't do the daily cruel things he did to me for years on end. How many red flags must smack us in the head before we wake up and duck the next time the flag comes around? I remember after major surgery, I was given orders not to pick up anything more than a quart of milk for six weeks. After less than 48 hours home, he wouldn't even make me food, not even offer. One day an old friend showed up and asked what the hell happened to me. It was then I realized I was totally beaten down. I still believed that if I pulled myself together, maybe we could stand a chance. I was kidding myself. By the time I threw his ass out, I didn't even much care anymore. He went back to the woman he had cheated on me with, and said it was my fault they were back together. Okay, well, she can have him! So now at almost 48, life isn't perfect, it never is. I do know everything I have I now is because I worked for it. I can date someone and if they don't make me happy, they can hit the curb. Right now with someone who treats me better than I knew was possible. Not because of the big things, but because of the everyday little things he does. Going to enjoy this while it last, for however long it lasts. At least I now know I am not the insane one. I can function as mostly a mature adult and take care of myself. Best revenge is a good life! Being 47 and and happy is nothing to depressed about! You could be 47 and and bitter and hateful. The best of your life is yet to be! Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2012
Mon, 01-07-2013 - 1:10pm

Sounds like you have all your ducks in a row and are all set.

Sorry you felt that you lost all those years, sounds like you were a good Step mom though so that is a bright star in the past relationship.

Hoping your future is much happier.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2003
Mon, 01-07-2013 - 10:26am

2 years?  I think I will work on me for a bit longer than that!  At this point, I am going to do a better job of listening to myself and my needs.

I have seen a lawyer, I have already copied all financial records, deed to house etc.  The one good thing of having already been divorced is knowing what to do legally.  Emotionally I am nowhere near where I was the first time.  I was devastated for my children and myself.  This time, I don't even feel that.  I just feel done.  We will have to come to a compromise on the house, sell or buy me out.  I don't need this place.  Its really never been my home.  I realized about a year ago that I never even hung pictures on the walls etc.  I basically have survived the last 6 years or so.  I do have my job.  A good one that will get me through.  I carry health insurance for him and my sdd so that will be something that we will have to work out.  But, we have no cc together and even though I have copied all of the bills at the current time, the legal eagle seems to feel confident that I won't be responsible for any charges going forward.  I only have a couple cc's.  I think the worst thing I will have to deal with is the house.  Idk, but I think its the one thing he will really be upset about.  He probably can not do everything he thinks he can financially, but maybe he can.  So he won't want to sell and giving me any money to buy out my interest will cause him great aggravation.  Money is his God. 

But, I have until Feb 1 to make decisions where money is concerned.  When I move out for good I will feel more secure that I won't have to deal with the daily issues.  We haven't spoken in 2+ weeks and we are cohabitating the best we can.  I stay out of his way.   I think he knows that this is the end.

Thanks for being there!

K

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Sun, 01-06-2013 - 4:54pm

Hi,

Stop worrying about "being alone" at 47. You've been "alone" the whole time you've been married this guy. The absence of this person in your life or your house will feel really odd, but it will also be freeing.

Get good legal advice. Make sure you take steps to protect your identity, bank accounts, assets, and paycheck. With his children out of the house, you shouldn't have to worry about child support and your own children are nearly launched.

Life begins at any age. Take the next TWO YEARS to figure out what you want to do. Yeah, I said 2 years. That's a reasonable amount of time to give yourself to get back on your emotional feet. You're working. You've got a profession. Your kids are nearly launched. Take care of yourself for a change.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2000
Sun, 01-06-2013 - 10:25am
There's nothing quite so heart warming as being yelled at for being sick, is there? As if you are happy about it, or planned it to ruin his day, just cause. Yeah, I've been there, and I realized that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life being a care taker, never cared for in return, yelled at for being sick or injured, as if it was too much to expect a man to help out around the house or pick up some slack when you are down. Actually, I realized all that when my then 11 y/o DS told me he didn't know how I could stand being married to someone who acted like a spoiled teenager playing video games all day and yelling at the kids to clean the house up. He told me I needed someone to look after me, because he was just a little boy and couldn't do it. So, now I'm divorced, the kids and I are happier, and I haven't been nearly as tired, sick, or stressed out. The actual process of getting a divorce was stressful, and I was the target of a lot of anger and stupidity, but now that it's over and done with, I have no regrets, and I don't miss him at all, even when I'm feeling sorry for myself because I'm all alone. I'd rather be alone that trapped in a terrible marriage and miserable. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2003
Sat, 01-05-2013 - 12:18am

Thank you.  I do think, initially, I really was tired of being a single parent to 6 children...worn out from being alone.  Then along came this nice guy who said all the right things, did all the right things.  It wasn't long after he moved in that the real person came out.   By then, my kids were invested.  Stupid Stupid me.  The first year there were cards and letters everyday.  He helped out around the house, wouldn't even let me put gas in my own car.  I can safely say that has not happened since the month he moved into my house.  Poof..gone.  Everytime he finds a way to make me feel like I am the worst person in the world.  I regret discussing anything about my childhood or my first marriage to the kids dad, it was always ammunition for later.  In year 3 I stopped saying anything about anything that might be used against me later.  If I had a problem, I was lucky to have 2 best girlfriends (over 20 years).  4 years ago, one of them happened to be here when he had an issue and there was an argument.  She apologized over and over again for encouraging me to marry him.  Even she had no idea.  His 'public' persona is very different.  My friends my family everyone thought I was the luckiest girl in the world and how much he cared about me. 

In my heart of hearts I knew that he wasn't the man for me a long time ago.  But it was easier to just walk the tight rope with him as odd as that is.  He begged me to marry him for 7 years and since the month after I finally did he has threatened divorce at least once a month.  He knew what a big step it was for me to get married again.  Anytime I don't do something his way he just responds with well he could divorce me and see how I like that.

I think he is just a bully.  And after awhile you forget you are valuable because the one person who is supposed to love you convinces you that this is what love is, hurting someone and never having to say sorry or anything because you love them.  Its a cycle for me, I am a classic and text book case of marrying my father over and over again.  Literally.

Thanks again for the replies, I will be fine.  Just sad. 

K

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2003
Sat, 01-05-2013 - 12:07am

Double post

 

K

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2003
Sat, 01-05-2013 - 12:05am

Triple post

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Fri, 01-04-2013 - 8:10pm

Hi;

You know I was watching a Dr.Phil episode today and there was a couple on where the woman married the guy and he seemed good at the beginning and then later on he became a pathological liar.. In the end Dr.Phil calls these people bait and switchers..

I got married to a man twenty years ago who on the outside appeared very normal and we dated and then after we had lived together for a few years his true self came out and his mental illness.. I tried to stick it out for 9 years and then my cup runneth over.. I had enough and left him and we got divorced....Hopefully you can learn the hard valuable lessons and find a good life for yourself..I so wish I didnt have to learn this hard lesson but it is what it is and now its over.. I dont think I have any regrets because I left no stone unturned.. In the end when I left my ex he was already searching for a new victim and that is what hurt the most.. Instead of fixing himself and caring about our marriage he went out and  found a new woman...It really stung and made me realize he wasnt the man I thought he was..

Anyway;; I wish you the best of a new and great and drama free life..

Good Luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2003
Fri, 01-04-2013 - 4:41pm

Thank you for the reply.  Yes, its possible that he has some seasonal issue.  Honestly, I do think it is more to it but I am not a dr nor do I want to be.  I have spent way to many years trying to be an armchair psychiatrist trying to figure out to keep going on.  I always gave him the benefit of the doubt. 

I also wish I hadn't gotten married...stuck to my guns like I did the first 7 years.  But, I know that I have to try everything in a relationship right or wrong so I know I have tried everything.  Maybe a stupid thing..for sure a difficult time ahead. 

I am luckier than most, we never intertwined finances as such.  We do share a household account where we have a savings account, but no cc or anything together.  The house is in his name, I will be moving and most likely sign a quit claim since I am on the deed but not the mortgage.  I don't really want anything.  I don't want any ties.  We have no children together thank goodness.  A long time ago he tried to convince me to have one and I kept resisting until he pretty much stopped thinking or talking about it.  I am glad of that.  I have my own cc and banking account where my child support goes so I really only have to change my paycheck to my account.  Cars might be an issue.  Not sure how that will play out.  Personal property in the house, not sure that will be an issue because anything he appears to be attached to or argue about he can have.  I don't have a single emotional attachment to anything here.  Just the boys beds and some pots and pans and I am set.  I just want my existance to be happy. 

I think its very sad that I know exactly who he is now.  I think that is what hurts the most.  I really and honestly needed him.  It hurt very much to know that I was alone.  But alone I am, and I will be ok.

K

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