I am new here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2006
I am new here.
4
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 10:12am

I am coming to terms with the fact that my marriage just isn't what I wanted out of life. I've been trapped as a SAHM/homeschooling mom for years, so I've lied to myself and him thinking that there were no other options so I might as well just pretend that things were great.

It's finally become apparent to me that things are not fine, and we are really in a destructive phase, as in hurting each other over and over with words. After months of fighting over love and affection, I realize that we just aren't made for eachother.

After almost 8 years of pretending, I've finally accepted that I just want a different life, and really, he deserves it too. He deserves the love he wants.

I'm really lucky that I have a spouse who is willing to support me in this breakup so that our kids don't suffer. Not push me to the curb tomorrow, willing to let me stay here, save money and keep providing our kids with a normal life.

But it scares me because it is so easy to just stay. I've done this since I was 21 years old! I'm scared as heck but I know that this is doable. Luckily we have no debt thanks to our bankrupcty. Please don't judge, we spent his whole 401k and several thousand dollars in tax refunds trying to pay it down and it just would not go down. We finally had to file on CCs. We have a home together that only his name is on the deed. He could concevably continue to live here on his income because hello, we have one income! LOL

I've been reading this board, and can see that there is some valuable information that I can use. I don't even know which way is up right now, but I'm lucky that we are splitting amicably. The guilt I feel is huge though, because I"ve already told one friend and she couldn't believe our marriage wasn't happy. She thought I was kidding. I feel terrible doing this to my H. He doesnt' deserve to be hurt, but then, he's hurt me quite a bit too, and I don't want to live like that.

Why does this have to be complicated? Why is staying so easy? But then I think about how awful it's been lying to myself, these last 2 months of being under fire by him, and I want out so bad. I just want to be done and have a clean fresh start.

Anyone willing to share stories please do. I'm going to be lurking on this board. I shoudl add that ours is just a marriage devoid of love. I'm not sure I was ever IN love with him. He said he thought if he did everything right, not hitting, not cursing or namecalling, not drinking or partying with the guys, that that was enough. And I came back with I thought if I stayed home, raised the kids, cleaned the house, made homeade dinners and desserts everyday basically played June CLeaver without affection, that I was doing MY job. Come to find out, there's more to being happy than this.

Thankyou for listening. This is just a very confusing time, I'm sure everyone understands. My mom has told me many times that I had no right to complain. Her husband beat on her, mine was supportive and gave me money. I was supposed to take the good with the bad. This was how it was and no marriage had affection and romance. So I just know when I break the news that I'm leaving just because I'm unhappy, not because he is cheating, not because he is abusing me (he does NEITHER of these things btw) she is going to make me feel as stupid as ever. None of my friends are going to understand except just one I know online. We chat everyday on yahoo. So I'm feeling more lonely than ever.

I love my 3 children and am committed to making this split a good one though, so that we can continue their home education with as few hiccups as possible. He's as committed to their education as me, so that is a huge blessing.

Peace~
J.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 11:48am

findingmyway06...

Contrary to what certain friends or family members might tell you...NO BREAK-UP IS EASY! . Unfortunately, the alternative of 'just hanging in and hoping things will get better' isn't realistic!

It seems that you need to work out an amicable TEMPORARY living arrangement until you can find another place? ? Set a time frame and stick to it.

Staying as opposed to leaving is simple. By leaving---you're giving up "a false sense of security in exchange for the unknown!" And for many of us (PG included), the unknown can be SCARY....but often NECESSARY! June Cleever was the ideal mom, but a lot has changed since the 60s---when the family unit was the priority! Due to the economy, health issues, personal stress, and the fact that many couples aren't completely happy with one another..."letting go" has become a better choice! I'm not saying IT'S THE ONLY CHOICE! But when you know something is never going to improve...all the counselling in the world WON'T help you!

One suggestion??? As much as you love your Mom....her life ISN'T yours....nor vice versa! So any guilt trips or admonitions she might lay on you have to be ignored! You will probably have to say "YES MOM" several times? But after that, DO WHAT YOU FEEL IS RIGHT FOR YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN. Just don't let them get 'caught in the middle'---okay?

Kids deserve to be kids....and not arbitrators for their parents!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 12:34pm

hi and welcome

I agree with PG's thoughts. but i wanted to take one step backwards:

it SOUNDS to me (and it could be just my inaccurate 'reading between the lines') that its not the *marriage* per se that is the problem, but YOU are having problems with your role in life. which is ok ---- you got married when you were young, you had unrealistic goals, etc etc etc. does this mean that the marriage is over? did you try therapy - couple and individual? you know, i am a big believer that some marriages CANNOT be saved, but i also believe that you should try everything to save a marriage before you move on. and you know - no matter what happens, you and he are going to be bound for life, you have three children that you are going to be raising together. so even if you DO get divorced, you still need to be able to work everything out

my second marriage --- i got into the marriage just because i wanted to be married and give my son a 'father' figure. i did not only not love him ---- but I didn't trust him, i felt he was weird, and other things. of course ---- i can say this NOW with great certainty, but at the time i didn't know what was bothering me. I stayed in that marriage for a long time - too long --- because of the guilt. but ----- my ex was abusive and controlling, it was a terribe terrible marriage and it was hard on me and my son. and even so --- i didn't leave until i dragged him to therapy.

good luck




Edited 5/31/2006 12:40 pm ET by sk1960
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 12:53pm
J - how did you break the news to your H about your desire to split? I'm in a somewhat similar situation right now - H and I are civil roommate coparents right now basically. His problem is infidelity, though, I'm very very sure of that (but that's a post for the Betrayed Spouses board :) ). Anyway, I've lost my feelings for him because of what's gone on, and I know he doesn't want to be married to me anymore but he hasn't been able to say that yet to me. I'm going to be the proactive one, I've decided, but I'm trying to figure out how to tell him that I don't want to put up with his nonsense anymore, while being extremely amicable for our young DD's sake. Any advice would be welcome! Thanks! You and your H sound very mature about it, and I think that's great - I hate to hear of people pitting the children against the parents, and it sounds like you are trying to avoid that and take the high road.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 1:19pm

"After almost 8 years of pretending... He deserves the love he wants... I'm really lucky that I have a spouse who is willing to support me in this breakup so that our kids don't suffer."

I don't know your husband. But my personal opinion is that he would have to be a very rare and special man if he continues to make it financially possible for you to live in your current home and school your children. The chances are that he will soon begin to seek the love "he deserves." And when he finds her, you will be faced with some huge changes in your life.

Be ready to share the kids 50/50 with a new woman, a complete stranger that you did not choose. Be mentally prepared for his suggestion that he enroll the kids in the school near his new place. Have a plan ready in case you need to begin a job hunt. And good luck.