I am not doing well
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 05-01-2005 - 2:58pm |
This will be rambly but I am feeling so scared about my future. Sometimes I wonder how I'm making it day to day. I filed for divorce in march. We've been married 12 years and separated since june 03. I was strong and independant. We were on our way, getting him through school to a nice, high paying benefits, etc job. We had 2 children during this time who both have autism, ds (10) high-functioning but social, aggressive/anger issues. Dd (9) is lower functioning, more easy going, making progress but will probably always need lots of support/supervision.
STBX has flourished since our separation while I am slowly sinking to the point that my health has suffered physically (crohns) and emotionally as I realize how much I have given of myself that I can't imagine how I am going to move forward. This came to a head at our friend of the court hearing this past wed. I basically had an anxiety attack and was speechless for most of it, unable to say what the things that needed to be said. How can I answer to what I want when I don't know what would be best for the kids. Clear to everyone (but stbx) is that I need a break from the intensity of meeting the children's needs so I can get my health, emotional well-being and get a job but for some reason I am afraid that the kids will feel deserted by me. Which they will, but they are getting older, stbx has live-in girlfriend who is good with them but he only met her last july and moved her in around the holidays. He has been taking the children on most weekends (i have been more than lenient with his schedule changes, but he is extremely self-centered and not helpful when I have asked for the same) which has allowed him to be mr. fun time while I am the one who does the stability day-to-day stuff, plus the extras that having a man around like yardwork, repairs (autism=breaking lots of things:)....
He walked into that hearing as if he was father of the year... my jaw dropped at things that were coming out of his mouth. I had only received his answers to my divorce papers on the friday before and he requested custody of the children which, in reality, he doesn't want. This would interfere with his life. He is so smug that he holds all the cards and it's apalling how uncaring he has become about me.
The day after this FOC hearing I called our community college and am going in tomorrow (monday) to talk to a career counselor about going back to school, finding a job (previously I waitressed, working around his school/work because sitters were way too difficult for dd) that will enable me to regain my independance, self esteem and health insurance. I know this is a good thing, but am anxiety-ridden about how I will do all I do now plus.
I also made an appointment with my doctor to discuss anti-depressants and see about a referral to a counselor. I also called to get my ds an appt with a therapist who works with high-functioning autistic children but can't get in until august. STBX and DS clash at times because stbx is part denial, forceful, anger issues, inpatient and controlling. This is a large part of why we separated, I couldn't stand the way he was treating ds and the lightbulb moments were listening to stbx 'deal' with ds. I realize that this is the way he treats me too. There have been weekends when ds sneaks to call me to come get him but is afraid for me to tell stbx that he called. I understand that this may hurt stbx's feelings (he hasn't said so) and see that he is making an extra effort with ds, but sometimes ds wants a break from his sister too.
At the FOC hearing someone mentioned every other week. Initially I shot it down but with the way I am feeling (nervous wreck about my health and future security) as I mentally prepare myself to actually think about myself...... I'm wondering if this would really be so bad? This is an opportunity for me to let him put his money where his mouth is father of the year wise and his girlfriend really appears (I've had limited conversations with her but ds's friends & parents have reported) to care about the kids. STBX says she loves the kids... however she hasn't really experienced more than the fun weekends...
We are awaiting the FOC's recommendations which could say anything considering how lame and awkward that meeting was. I feel like I'm letting everyone, including my lawyer, down by not knowing what I want. How can I stop all this worrying and 'what ifs' from taking over when I'm dealing with a stbx that is strong, pushy and controlling one minute and pretends to care the next then uses things I say to belittle me? I most-likely agreed to giving stbx pretty much the same thing he has now (3 weekends & 1-2 weekday visits, possibly one child each for alone time). What/how will that help me out as I embark on working on myself?
I realize this is a bunch of mish mash but can anyone give me any insight, guidance, encouragement, thoughts? I feel so alone, like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and wonder if I'll survive or end up in the looney bin for a vacation.
I've been lurking on this board and have found comfort here but this special needs situation has me on the edge of hopelessness about my future.
Thanks if you made it this far and even if you don't answer, please pray for me.

Pages
Dear Miemily,
no doubt you have a lot on your plate, and you must be emotionally exausted. Simply dealing with two special needs children would be draining - and the divorce procedure is never easy. When you mention Chrons', I assume you may be having a flare-up - hardly surprising, given the stress you are accumulating (I have UC, I know what it means...).
I don't feel there is much advice to be given. You are - yes, really! - doing all for the best, finding new activities, going back to college, pulling together, and organizing life for the kids, working around an un-cooperative father. You still ARE strong and indipendent, and smart too. It is normal that you feel down, alone, sad. Self-doubt creeps up.
Well, kick it out! you are doing brilliantly!!! my only suggestion is to find a little time for yourself. Whatever that may be, find a little corner of life only for you, to keep sane... until things will get better. And they will.
Best of luck - I hope you will find a peaceful arrangement for custody and alimony.
Thank you so much for answering. I can't stand this helpless feeling and like I'm on the verge of losing hope, especially with my health zapping my energy. Ironically I was dx with UC in 2001 (during the dx process with DD) but this past summer I got really sick and had complications that were more usual in crohns and after a week in the hospital in october I was re-dx as crohns. My stbx works at the hospital and would stop in each day to see if i was getting better, when was i going to get out, i was screwing up his weekend get-away plans... My heart goes out to you as well. It's not fun having such an awkward to talk about, yet really effects your life, condition.
It doesn't feel like I'm doing anything right and I hope that changes as I continue to trudge forward. Why is it so hard for me to ask for help? Part of it is stbx's condescending manner. I am trying to tell myself to keep my eye on the bottom line: I can't do much if my health (emotional and physical) is suffering but fear this will be held against me in court. Is that the case? I find it difficult to bring up (didn't even mention my health at the FOC hearing) because I've never been one to complain/whine about myself or my children's autism. However, the lady started the meeting as most people do: "I don't know much about autism". I had an article with me about how families are affected by autism but didn't bring it out. It spoke to the fact that mothers are more affected: stress, stigma, anti-depressants, more often held accountable by society and family for children's inappropriate behaviors, etc. I wasn't sure if this would help me or hurt me and i hadn't showed it to my lawyer yet. My head was spinning and I wanted to just disappear... if i wouldn't of had to go all the way around the table past the lawyers and stbx i think i would've ran out the door. That's not like me...
I think I'm torn between fighting for the kid's future and fighting for my own. Until that meeting i was fighting for the kids future. With me. But now i'm wondering... re-thinking things. But what if that means giving up some control i have with my kids? as much as they mentally and physically exhaust me at times the thought of extended time away from them tears at my heart. However we live in the same town and if i could swallow my pride even more and if stbx could work with me in good will... i try to envision the future communications with him and it's difficult because of the about face he has made with me since meeting this girl who "makes him happy"
Anyways thank you for answering my plea. It made me cry and makes a difference.
The old cliche is that a soon-to-be-teen male does need plenty of a father's time and attention. Perhaps this notion is so wide-spread, is because it holds some truth? You know your son, and his father. If you decide that an every-other week schedule could work (giving the kids plenty of time with both parents), then go for it.
As long as you are still a regular part of your children's lives, there is NO abandonment. We cannot decide not to innoculate kids because the injection will hurt. We can't make custody decisions based on fear the kids' feelings may be hurt. As the adults, we make the hard choices, for what is best in the long run.
You said the father can be tough on the kids sometimes. I don't know if his kind of tough is too much. Sometimes a stern hand can be good, it all depends. I have read that an every-other-week custody can work well when the kids are capable of switching gears, learning the different sets of rules in two different households. Are your kids up to that?
Don't lose your health by staying frozen too long. I am glad to read that you are reaching out to your doctors, keep in close communication, don't hesitate to ask for what you need!
"he requested custody of the children which, in reality, he doesn't want."
Know that you don't need to spend any energy thinking about what your Stbx truly wants, don't try to read between his lines. That may be the job of a loving wife, but it's not your job anymore, you have no obligation, make things easy on yourself in that area.
It was my pleasure to answer you, Mie. What you write is striking in clarity and the pain of the process you are going though transpire through every word.
You have compiled several different issues you are living with - all different, yet all must be dealt with. Perhaps what could be done is prioritizing...
To start with, you have your current divorce proceeding
your children and their autism, plus all the care it takes
your health, including your chrons' and your need for space and sanity
your new studies and soon new job, which carries the prospect of financial stability (and paying for care and all the above)
Each and every item in this list is enough to keep any one woman busy for some time: you are dealing with everything at the same time. Do you have a lawyer, dear? someone who can bring to the court's attention all the problems, in the due light. You are not weak because you need help. You are tired, because you do it all! All the bleeding involved in an active Chron's is enough to make you tired just for lack of iron - not to mention the depression from being for so long the sole caregiver for your children (and autism IS hard!!!!
Of course, you should not even stop to think about your ex new love "the girl who makes him happy". Believe me, I know how hard it is to put it aside. At the end of the story, this girl makes him happy... because puppy love is lovely. It will grow, and become same old same old. Then history will be repeated.
I will tell you one thing: after I left my ex (2 1/2 yrs ago), and since I am on my own, my UC/Chron's (I too have been diagnosed with one or the other...) have been going more and more in remission. Now since 6 months I am off all medications!!! Normal life completely - only careful sometimes. Eating normally, drinking some wine, normal, normal!!! coincidence? I think not.
If you want to write me off board, please do...
I have every other week (50/50) custody of my 4 year old and I also have rheumatoid arthritis. I am not sure how it compares to Chron's, but fatigue and possible future disability are my main concerns. It is well under control now with medication, but some of the medication side effects are bad and if I over do it (shopping at the mall for instance) I can cause a big flare up and a lot of pain. I will be on these drugs for life.
I am not sure every other week sounds like it would work in your case, and I don't think you believe it will be in your children's best interests. I am sure your children need special care and if you ex's treatment of the children is a reason for the divorce, then giving him custody might be bad for the children, right? You want to go to school and I don't know many classes that you can miss every other week for. Are your children in school during the days? Are you going to be work part-time? Are you getting alimony and child support? How much will 50/50 affect the child support? There are really a lot of things to consider when making this decision and it's okay that you don't know the answer right now. Are you seeing a therapist? I started going to one for relationship issues, but he's helped patients dealing with chronic illnesses and that has helped me greatly. What perecentage of the time does he have the children now? Perhaps he could have one less weekend (less fun time) per month (2 instead of 3, and he could have 3 if it's a 5 weekend month), and more weekday time (more parental responsibility time, but the same days every week so you could always plan to take courses those days. That way when he gets more time with the children it's shifting some of the responsibilty off your shoulders, but you aren't going with a total every other week schedule.
I will say that I do a lot to take care of myself when my dd is with her dad, and that is very important even for those without a chronic illness. So you are on the right track to figuring out a solution that is in both yours and your children's best interests. Don't make it either/or though, I am sure you can find a solution that can work for you and the children.
Edited 5/2/2005 2:41 pm ET ET by firstamendment
Thank you, this was a long day (4 hrs at college only to come home with tons of stuff to read thru & choices that have my head aching), pick up the kids, stop by grandma's house to help her out (she fell and broke 3 ribs...) because the rest of my family is on vacation in Vegas. I keep telling myself that this will all be a memory in a year or two and I will be all the stronger and wiser from it. Please let it be true.
Coming home to find replies to my cry for help means so much. Ironically, I'm usually the strong listening ear for so many and now I'm finding out what they mean when they say thanks for being there. It's helpful to hear how well you are doing healthwise since your stress has lessened. DS's teacher also has crohn's and told me how sick she was during her first year of teaching (plus she's had two surgeries) and how the remicade treatments (which I began in february) along with the other zillion meds have her in remission too. I will look forward to that glass of wine one day and it will be a tall one!! One of the meds I'm on reacts badly with alcohol plus makes food taste metallic. If anyone wants to lose weight ask their dr. for flagyl, never could lose that baby weight til that entered my life, lol...
You're so right about trying to prioritize this messy list I've got. I'm working on it and waiting for the moments that I can cross a bit off here and there as I force myself to take it one day at a time.
Thanks....
Hi!
I have a strong sense as to what you are going through as I was diagnosed with diverticulosis. I was put on flagyl for my disease, along with many medications including pain medication. My disease "flares up" when I am faced with alot of stress...since leaving my abusive X, I have had a few, but not near as many as when he and his brat pack were living in my house!!!! I had 2 abdominal surgeries in less than a year for perforated bowels because of the stress. I thought it was my diet, but since he's been gone, the flare ups are few and far between and the intensity is less than before. I do have stressful situations ie; divorce, custody battles that seem to never end. He's enjoying himself immensely at my expense (so he thinks).
Point is sweetie, you will be stronger and better off without all of the added stress. You will get better and better with each passing day, and you will soon find out that your disease and your life is more manageable now that he is gone. Prioritizing your life is what will get you through this, BUT, you HAVE TO TAKE TIME FOR YOU!!!!!! That saying of: "If mama ain't happy, no one will be happy" is the absolute truth and I live by it...now!
I always put my X and the kids first and NEVER took time for me...I believe that was part of the downfall of my marriage...and my illness. Now, I take time for me and cater to my needs because if I don't, no one will.
One note about flagyl...this is a medication that alot of Dr.'s prescribe for alcoholism...as you've mentioned, you can't drink on it because it will make you violently ill and leaves that awful metallic taste in your mouth...YUK!!!
You are doing GREAT Hon, so keep it up...it does get better. Feel free to email me anytime!
Melanie
Your points are valid about the father-son thing and about adults making decisions that may be uncomfortable for the children, but for the best in the long run. This has been running through my mind, combined with the notion that his 'love puppy' seems determined to stay in the picture and as long as she does he will continue to put on a happy show for her. She appears to be good with the kids and my instinct, combined with my weaker stance right now, is telling me to consider taking advantage of their claims to want the children more. Between them and my mom it's feasable the kids could get picked up from school so at least that option has risen to the surface of my muddled mind.
School lets out in June and any classes I embark on don't begin until they do again in september. We are in the process of determining parenting time per divorce. However STBX and I have been separated since June 03 and yes I have carried the brunt of it and he's never had them for more than 3 nights (twice) but clearly it's driving me to my grave while he's enjoying life. Having this distance and facing the reality as we negotiate (i use that term loosely) this divorce has me open-eyed to the fact that he is controlling of me privately (on the phone, when we discuss matters one-on-one) and I swear he wants me to shrivel up so he can laugh at how weak I am.... yet when others are around he appears to be mr. wonderful and generous. I hate the thought of wasting our money on lawyers fighting about this when all it would take is for him to show me the same courtesy I've shown him over the years until I get my feet on the ground. I do not deserve his condescending anger and it only proves how self-centered he is.
You are so right that I need to drop his wants and needs from my radar. His mantra about it having to work around his work schedule is getting old. Especially since a couple weeks ago he asked me if his girlfriend could pick the kids up from school (calls at 7:30pm the night before) and I said I wasn't comfortable with that, short notice.... after thinking about it a couple days (and again now) I begin to think why not? Fast forward to now that we are 'negotiating'... I mention that this would be helpful as my schedule becomes clearer. His response: it depends on his work schedule since it's between us (me and him) then jumps in with my mom picking them up, getting them something to eat and he can pick them up from her. Hello!!? (BTW my dad was dx with stage IV esophageal cancer in feb)... Then I mention that he did, afterall, counter claim that he would like physical custody of the kids (he also doesn't think every other week would be a good idea because of his work schedule) and he says "yep, that's right". WTF am I dealing with here????
Became a vent and I thank you and anyone else out there reading this for being there. My heart goes out to all of you with well wishes...
Can I ask you girls a question about not being able to drink? I take a cancer drug that affects your liver, and I can't drink either. I have never been a big drinker, but I am occassionally at a happy hour or things like that and sometimes I get a question about not having a drink. I hate to just say I don't drink, because that's not true, I do but I just can't. Have any of you been in that situation and what do you say? I hate to be a downer and tell people the reason, although most often that is what I end up doing. I feel like I am always doing that. Like someone asks me a question about my hair and I end up explaining that one of my drugs makes it fall out (not that I'll go bald, just thinner). Or someone comments on me being thin and I end up explaining that involuntary weight loss is a side effect of my disease (not for all patients with RA, but for some). I don't want a pity party but sometimes it helps to talk about it with others, but then I think I end up making some people uncomfortable.
Pages