I am not doing well
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| Sun, 05-01-2005 - 2:58pm |
This will be rambly but I am feeling so scared about my future. Sometimes I wonder how I'm making it day to day. I filed for divorce in march. We've been married 12 years and separated since june 03. I was strong and independant. We were on our way, getting him through school to a nice, high paying benefits, etc job. We had 2 children during this time who both have autism, ds (10) high-functioning but social, aggressive/anger issues. Dd (9) is lower functioning, more easy going, making progress but will probably always need lots of support/supervision.
STBX has flourished since our separation while I am slowly sinking to the point that my health has suffered physically (crohns) and emotionally as I realize how much I have given of myself that I can't imagine how I am going to move forward. This came to a head at our friend of the court hearing this past wed. I basically had an anxiety attack and was speechless for most of it, unable to say what the things that needed to be said. How can I answer to what I want when I don't know what would be best for the kids. Clear to everyone (but stbx) is that I need a break from the intensity of meeting the children's needs so I can get my health, emotional well-being and get a job but for some reason I am afraid that the kids will feel deserted by me. Which they will, but they are getting older, stbx has live-in girlfriend who is good with them but he only met her last july and moved her in around the holidays. He has been taking the children on most weekends (i have been more than lenient with his schedule changes, but he is extremely self-centered and not helpful when I have asked for the same) which has allowed him to be mr. fun time while I am the one who does the stability day-to-day stuff, plus the extras that having a man around like yardwork, repairs (autism=breaking lots of things:)....
He walked into that hearing as if he was father of the year... my jaw dropped at things that were coming out of his mouth. I had only received his answers to my divorce papers on the friday before and he requested custody of the children which, in reality, he doesn't want. This would interfere with his life. He is so smug that he holds all the cards and it's apalling how uncaring he has become about me.
The day after this FOC hearing I called our community college and am going in tomorrow (monday) to talk to a career counselor about going back to school, finding a job (previously I waitressed, working around his school/work because sitters were way too difficult for dd) that will enable me to regain my independance, self esteem and health insurance. I know this is a good thing, but am anxiety-ridden about how I will do all I do now plus.
I also made an appointment with my doctor to discuss anti-depressants and see about a referral to a counselor. I also called to get my ds an appt with a therapist who works with high-functioning autistic children but can't get in until august. STBX and DS clash at times because stbx is part denial, forceful, anger issues, inpatient and controlling. This is a large part of why we separated, I couldn't stand the way he was treating ds and the lightbulb moments were listening to stbx 'deal' with ds. I realize that this is the way he treats me too. There have been weekends when ds sneaks to call me to come get him but is afraid for me to tell stbx that he called. I understand that this may hurt stbx's feelings (he hasn't said so) and see that he is making an extra effort with ds, but sometimes ds wants a break from his sister too.
At the FOC hearing someone mentioned every other week. Initially I shot it down but with the way I am feeling (nervous wreck about my health and future security) as I mentally prepare myself to actually think about myself...... I'm wondering if this would really be so bad? This is an opportunity for me to let him put his money where his mouth is father of the year wise and his girlfriend really appears (I've had limited conversations with her but ds's friends & parents have reported) to care about the kids. STBX says she loves the kids... however she hasn't really experienced more than the fun weekends...
We are awaiting the FOC's recommendations which could say anything considering how lame and awkward that meeting was. I feel like I'm letting everyone, including my lawyer, down by not knowing what I want. How can I stop all this worrying and 'what ifs' from taking over when I'm dealing with a stbx that is strong, pushy and controlling one minute and pretends to care the next then uses things I say to belittle me? I most-likely agreed to giving stbx pretty much the same thing he has now (3 weekends & 1-2 weekday visits, possibly one child each for alone time). What/how will that help me out as I embark on working on myself?
I realize this is a bunch of mish mash but can anyone give me any insight, guidance, encouragement, thoughts? I feel so alone, like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and wonder if I'll survive or end up in the looney bin for a vacation.
I've been lurking on this board and have found comfort here but this special needs situation has me on the edge of hopelessness about my future.
Thanks if you made it this far and even if you don't answer, please pray for me.

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Hi first! When people ask me why I don't drink, I tell them it's because I can't, period! I want to enjoy happy hour with them, however, my health and that of my kids means more to me than any 2/4/1 anyday...I don't tell them it's because of my disease, I don't tell them it's because my X relies heavily on me getting drunk and reporting it...it's just because I CAN'T!!! It messes with me physically and emotionally and I won't risk my kids for anything. They are the most important people in my life and they need me to be there for them...for as long as I'm alive. Bottom Line!
I will however, have a 1/2 a glass of wine or a beer on a special occassion, but I will not drink myself into a stupor like I did when I was with him...I'm better than that, and so are you! Have A glass of wine or A beer...nothing more! The time will come when you will be very comfortable with that...
Melanie
((((HUGS)))) for all you are giong thru!
Other things that work, are "bloody mary" made of TJ, or "cape codders" with cranberry and sparkling... :))))
- being the dd, or just saying you're driving so you prefer not to drink at all when driving (sometimes you hear "oh, you could have one" and if the person responds "no, I'd rather have water/pop/coffee" it's dropped)
- stomach upset/acid reflux, etc. so can't drink
- on medication so can't drink (but this may open the question of what kind of medication)
- not in the mood today
- just not much of a drinker
- I'm having a good time without drinking
But I can think of several acquaintances who I don't see drink, and I've never heard them asked why and they've never offered why, and no one thinks much of it.
You are right that the main reason I want to have a drink is because I can't.
I am a very positive person, especially when it comes to turning my disease into a positive. I do that very well most of the time. I can and do feel very blessed that I have the medications available that work for me, I am very grateful that I have a shot at *not* becoming disfigured and disabled, and when I am in pain I always know that I have it better than a lot of other people out there. The fact my ex-h was 'freaked out' by my disease and the idea I would not always be healthy and able to support the family financially was a postive because it was one factor that led to my divorce, and that was a good thing for me personally. I have made so many changes in my life to 'accomodate' my disease and I have done them willingly. I don't generally let myself get down about it, but I do have a few weaknesses.
Giving up high heals was hard. It was the last thing I clung to. I was separated (almost divorced) and I had lost a lot of weight (due to my disease, but still a positive) and bought some really nice clothes and sexy shoes. Giving up the shoes was hard because I am afraid of looking like a grandma wearing the very unflattering (yet comfortable) footwear my mom wears. I work very hard to find good supportive shoes that look nice (and that I can still afford) but let's just say it's not easy and sometimes comfort wins out over style. For the most part I have accepted that, and I do have some very cute summer sandals, that helps.
The drinking is hard because it's 'never' and 'for life.' I will try getting a smoothie or something fun next time and see if that helps. There is a touch of feeling sorry for myself in there, I'll work on it.
When I can't keep up with my dd, riding her bike or at the park, and she has to slow down for me. That is hard to accept.
Edited 5/4/2005 11:24 am ET ET by firstamendment
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