I am ready to move on, but it is right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2006
I am ready to move on, but it is right?
2
Sat, 03-25-2006 - 9:06am

Newbie here and I am just racking my brain trying to figure out what to do. Please offer some input. I have been married to a loving, compassionate man for almost 3 years. The problem is he can't seem to move forward. That's the only way I can describe it. He is 44. I am 31. He struggles with accomplishing things. He is diagnosed ADD, but won't get help. He is a real estate investor, but doesn't really work. I don't even know how he makes his money. Our incomes are totally separate. I make a very good living and can survive wonderfully on my own.

The real problem lies with our living situation. We live in one of his homes he originally purchased as a rental property. It needed work and after 3 years, it is still unfinished. He has continually promised me that it would be done, but it's not (I am willing to contribute in whatever way i can to get it done). We lived in my condo for 2 and a half years prior to moving in here.

His inablity to accomplish anything (domestically or really professionally) is driving me insane. Our home life is total chaos and I am at my wit's end. HIs continual guarantees and then subsequent failure to live up to them make me wonder about the future. I don't want to continue like this. He knows it, but seems unwilling to change.

I just can't see myself with him in 5 years if things continue the way they are. Am I insane for thinking like this.

There is so much more detail I could go into, but I have disjointedly rambled on for so long.

HELP, please. Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sat, 03-25-2006 - 9:34am

Hello and welcome! I was married to someone diagnosed with ADD also. What you describe was exactly how we lived. Chronically unfinished projects, house always in a complete disarray, dozens of unkept promises, unpaid bills, bounced checks, chronic lateness, taking 5 hours to do something that could be done in 10 minutes.......etc. A lot of people may not realize this, but it is SO insanely stressful to have a home environment like that. When I come home, I want some peace and organization, not chaos. It's hard to explain, but it's so much more than, "Oh, the house is a little messy....this project isn't done...." From the outside, it looks like no big deal. To us, it's a HUGE deal to live like that every day.


I think the main problem is that he is unwilling to get help. My STBX didn't try to get help for it either.....until it was too late and the damage had already been done. Adult ADD is a tough one to fix! I honestly can not imagine my ex making lasting changes in the way he runs his life.


It sounds like you are on the fence about divorcing. Before you make a decision, I would definitely suggest going to a counselor to help sort out your feelings and discuss your options. Maybe if your H sees you are serious about wanting to leave, he will make an honest effort to change.


Lastly, don't worry about rambling on! Feel free to share more details. Maybe others can give you more insight, too. Hang in there!


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-25-2006 - 10:18am

charlito96...

This is a toughie.....at least for Pianoguy!

You indicated that your husband has ADD, which means it's unlikely that any project he attempts will be completed? .

Maybe you need to ask yourself: "Would I be happier as a single...or (with help from an outsider) do I want to keep the marriage going?"

You didn't mention if there were any close friends who understood the situation and might be able to help you? That's probably the place to start? If your husband doesn't feel he can accept the help...and wants to continue in the direction he has been heading during the past 3 years...your choice has already been made!

Hopefully...the 2 of you are able to work together to solve your living and marital situations? GOOD LUCK!

Pianoguy