i am so angry right now
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| Tue, 04-05-2005 - 5:35pm |
help, someone talk me down, i don't know if i have a right to be angry or if i'm being pregnant and hormonal.
my stbx usually takes our son (3 yo) T and Th nights from 6-8:30 and then he has one overnight per week.
Last weekend he cancelled because he said he had to go on a business trip. I don't believe him, but that doesnt matter, the fact is that he wasn't with his son. to make up for missing last weekend, he asked to have all of this coming weekend. OK there is your background info.
Last night, he called me and said, "OK, I want him Tues and Thurs nights on the usual time and then Friday night spend the night and I'll bring him home on Saturday morning"
Well Sat afternoon I have plans with my mom for her birthday and it's a grownup thing. I planned it specifically to help me get through this long weekend. So I told him I had plans Sat afternoon and what happened to all weekend? Well we have season tickets to our NBA team and they have a game Sat night and STBX really wants to go. So now the schedule was set to Tues, Thurs, Fri night with me picking up Sat evening and STBX sees him Sunday night.
Just now, STBX calls me and says, "Can I pick 'E' up from school right now and then bring him back to your house around 6:45, I have to work". So now my son, who is in a 'i want momma' phase and has been prepped for Papa night tonight is going to have his dad show up and pick him up at school without any warning. And yet again, he flakes on his plans to our son and changes things on me at the last minute. I have no proof of this, but it feels like he is always using work as an excuse when something better comes up. OH and then he sends me an email asking me all this and tells me to call him back on his cell phone...which pissed me off more. I ALWAYS call him on his cell phone because I have just found out he is dating his office manager and I can't handle hearing her answer the phone. so the fact that he told me to call him on his cell must mean that she is answering the phones and so now i'm having a jealous attack on top of being frustrated with him.
I know this doesn't sound like a big deal. I KNOW and BELIEVE that my son spending time with his dad is the most important thing since they don't have a lot of time together (STBX's idea, not mine). but when we first started working on these arrangments, we agreed that consistency for a 3 year old is important in general, but particularly important when things are changing. STBX has only lived out of the house for a month and I think out of 12 possible visits, only half of them have gone off as planned.
And I will admit too that I hate his job, I don't trust the people he works with and especially his girlfriend. So when he uses work as an excuse it is bound to rub me the wrong way anyway. It may very well be work, we are extra broke right now and I know he is trying to get out of it. I just have trouble believing that on game nights, it's work. He forgets I lived with him for 8 months after he took this job before he moved out and I know that Tuesday night is a big night out for his office, Wed night is Poker night etc etc
ok, thanks for letting me get it off my chest. sorry if i sound nitpicky. i'm just so tired of him taking our son and how well he seems to be handling this for granted. i do alot of hard work to make sure he is doing ok with our separation, and i dont feel like my son's dad is meeting me halfway there.
bridget

Oh Bridget... I know how frustrating that can be... and until you get something formal outlined in writing, it's easy for him to alter the plan with whimsy excuses.
How about..... give him the name of a sitter or two that he can call to arrange care when he has a conflict with his scheduled time?????
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
You have every right to be angry. Lord knows we ALL go through this.
Someone told me after a year of fighting with my X to FORCE HIM to see his kids over his own personal "needs" that you cannot force someone to be a daddy.
To this day, I do not even pretend to understand why my X or any "father" would choose what they want to do over seeing their children, but you know what? It's not up to us. All we can do is LOVE our children and NEVER talk bad about the absent parent to the children or in front of the children. The person that told me the above advice is very right, it will be the absent parents loss when the children don't want to be around them because they would rather be with friends or stay home with mommy.
I still don't tell my 6 year old that he is going to daddy's until the day of , after I receive confirmation from him in an email as to what time he will pick them up. I really cannot see breaking my son's heart ( and my daughters once she is old enough to understand ) if I don't need to. My son doesn't even ask anymore. That would break my heart if that happened to me, imagine what "daddy" will feel like when it happens to him.
I hope I have helped.....
Hugs to you!
Angelena
You have every right to be angry and this is not just pregnancy hormones.
I like the CL's suggestion to give him the name and number of a babysitter. It's one thing to have a conflict and ask to change plans, it's another thing when the schedule is being disregarded as if it was only a suggestion. Children do need consistency. I would lay down some new ground rules and fast. Tell him you want to know what kind of schedule he can offer his son that he can stick to, and when he has a conflict he is responsible to make adequate alternate arrangements. Don't let him do this to you, don't be his backup plan. If he wants to change plans at the last minute, just say no. Don't answer the phone and if you get an email it reply, type "autoreply" in the subject line and put in the text "nflfan is out of the office and will receive your email when she returns" and don't call his cell phone just because he asks. I am the queen of saying 'give him the benefit of the doubt' and 'can't we all just get along' but in your case, he is taking advantage of you and you can't let him do it anymore. If he chooses on his own to have only one night per week with his son because that is all he can stick to, then fine, you can't force him to want to be a dad and be there for his child. He needs to be straight with you and then accept responsibility for the arrangement he has agreed to, and bear the consequences if he doesn't (make him choose, give up parenting or find a way to balance it with his personal life all on his own).
Edit: but do what until you calm down to have this discussion, you shouldn't have anger in your voice when you ask him for a new schedule he can stick to, or tell him he needs to use a babysitter if he can't spend all the time he has arranged for with his son. Calm, rational, clear.
Edited 4/5/2005 9:13 pm ET ET by firstamendment