I am soooo full of rage!!! Long Post!
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| Thu, 12-21-2006 - 4:01am |
I am so full of rage at my DH and the OW!~ I am trying to make xmas gifts and I cant even function. I have been lurking but I just have got to talk to someone! I have been leaning on my 24 yo DD and all it did was make her hate her dad. I just wish now I had not told her but it is so very hard to suffer alone. I cant tell my mom n sister as my mom is 84 yrs old and I do not want to ruin anyones xmas! OMG I thought I was a sensible reasonable stable person but the stuff I have been doing my 28 yr old DS says I need help.
And I am doing the stupid dumb things I always thought were horrible when women did them.
What is wrong with me? I need you people to help me. I have read everyself help book on the planet and I still cannot handle this this time........well here is my story.
I love my husband........I always have. we had a 29 year relationship in which we were married three times. the reason because of his emotional and verbal abuse and 3 beatings.
He hadnt beat me for 23 years, This last time we got married 10 years ago were not too bad especially the last 3. I thought things were going so much better and I sighed a sigh of relief that perhaps we could now be somewhat happy and grow old together.
My son is 28 he was born shortly after we got married the first time. well a few months before that he was having an affair with a married woman.......when her husband came home from military duty she went back to him but she was pregnant with my husbands child.
They say they tried to get ahold of each other for years but to no avail. My husbands daughter is now 29 or 30
now all these years later, in November my husband said he was ready to find his daughter
I said that is so wonderful!! he says he found the mother on the internet and that she would be calling. they talked some and she sent him pictures of her and her babies and I was excited to have a step daughter and step grandkids!! and happy for him. BUT the mother has still never told her daughter that the man who acted as her father is not really her dad.
well without going into all the details.........the couple phone calls I figured this would involve have turned into hours and hours of emails and phone calls! I dont think my husband has ever even talked to me that much in 28 years~~! I questioned him and he said well they just had alot in common. I told him that was not acceptable. that if we had to we could find his daughter and tell her ourselves. He said no that is up to the mother .........so I log onto our verizon account and see the many hours they chat. good grief she has a husband ........
He says he loves her very much and that he has never loved a woman like her in all his life. he said he was sorry but he enjoyed talking to her so much he just couldnt help himself and they did indeed still love each other. I said how in the h#@! can you love an adulterous woman like that who has lied to her daugher for 30yrs? She told him the are very good christian people. WHAT> ? I wont say the religion cause that could offend someone but I am so shocked. how can he think she is so godly special when she is an adulterous and a cheat and a liar and a hyocrite?
I said what do you mean? she is married. she has always been married and you only knew her six months!! I am shocked and hurt..........so shocked. I dont understand at all.
I said well what do you plan to do? and he said well dont worry.........she will never leave her husband...........(I mean this woman is spose to be a godly woman) but she can spend all these hours of talking and emailing and all this intimacy?
so I guess he must have meant dont worry as he can probably never have her though he wants her. he says she is the most special woman in the world.
I am guessing he planned on continuing this love affair over the phone n email or perhaps to get with her and stay married to me. I told him this would not work that it was heracy!
so he said ok we will get a divorce.
myself and my kids think this man has lost his mind. I have never caught him for sure committing adultery. My daughter is in shock cause he always made the kids think I was the one with faults and he could do no wrong. I think they are so angry with him too because I can take this one minute and the next I am a blubbering idiot. I have threatened to hack into his email, threatened to have his cell shut off....its in my name. well that wont work we all five are on it and he said go ahead I will stop paying the bill.
I make extra money and he is the breadwinner. he will be booming out to another job soon and says he will stay here and pay the bills until time to leave and then pay the bills till the end of march so I can get some savings ahead. I will keep the house its just a small house that I have worked very hard to try and doll up. I also talked him into giving me 1/3 of his retirement and $200 a month unless I marry. I guess ...is that the way that works.? he will keep all his belongings, vehicles, 401 ks, IRA's and money from the sale of his dads farm.
I think with the 200 a month I can survive as my mortgage is 540 a month so putting that against will be 340. that I will only have to make enough to pay the utilities, maybe eat? dog food, cable, internet, insurance and etc,
I have not felt well this last year but before that I was making around $1,000 a month.
yes I am scared. I work for myself but at min wage, I have no marketable skills , I would bring home even less. min wage in this state is like 5.50 an hour I think.
well .........I have threatened to call her, call her husband, I follow him to see if he is going to call her, I cry I yell, I threaten, look pitiful then am fine for a while.......the bang its back. I have completely lost it. I am already on wellbutrin have been for years.
I just cant accept this and let it go. There were times I had wished he would find someone so I didnt have to hurt him and tell him I wanted a divorce. because he was the emotional and verbal abuser and hurt me so every day. I read the book Verbal Abusers Speak out. I have highlighted every thing in there! he fits the abuser to a T. anyway now I finally thought he had changed and we could be a little happy together that all was well! In fact before I knew of his disgusting dying love for her he all the sudden turned a new leaf. he even hugged my mom and other people and treated me like gold. we all thought maybe he had found out he was dying or something so was now going to be nice? I relished in it.! at the same time worrying about him. he had some Dr visits n tests around that time. I decide he had come to terms with How To Be Nice To Others. but
the BANG the bottom fell out of that one. He was happy cause this horrible married woman far away was talking to him? oh get real!I told him he is in love with a fantasy they didnt even know each other. He says he cant help it She is all he ever wanted in a woman.and is soooo special. I even had sex with him the other night thinking well this may be my last and Ihope she can hear us!
I just have to get ahold of myself. My daughter says I deserve so much more.
another thing while he was on the cell with her tonight I called repeatedly so the little beep that comes in would irritate him. I did this for like an hour. I was pretty angry that he didnt take my first call in...........I told him WHAT if the kids had just gotten in a terrible car wreck and he would rather keep talking to this woman than know ???
what is wrong with this man?I told him when he goes to the next job and if the kids get hurt I am not even going to try and call him. why should I have to push redial for more than an hour ??
oh I am just soooo angry!! He has an appt with the attorney on the 29th. I told him before I will sign them it better explain that is 10 year marriage was after 20 previous years as I dont want the judge to say I dont deserve the alimony and retirement.
I just wont sign them unless it says enough to ease my fears.
I so wish I wasnt going through this .....I have xmas gifts to finish making and I am so obessed with this hurt and betrayal and fear of the unknown. I appreciate anyone who can share their stories and give advice. other than counseling as I dont have th emoney and as I said I have read every self help book they have ever printed I think!!!!
My husband has always stood tall for being the leader of the family and having or so he said VALUES! while he made me look like a jerk to my children with his criticsm and hate toward me. always belittling me and making fun of my music, my talents my hobbies, my ability to earn money? was always a joke to him.
I just do not understand why I am taking this so hard!!
Edited 12/21/2006 4:08 am ET by dollyfrocks
Edited 12/24/2006 4:06 am ET by dollyfrocks

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Hugs to you. I am sorry you are feeling so badly right now. I have been through what you are going through right now. I have experienced the pain of an affair and the pain of living in an emotionally abusive relationship. Do not beat your self up anymore, you have had someone do that to you long enough. X-mas is a very hard time and than to compound it w/ the end of a marriage is even harder. You are going to be angry, and that is normal for everything you have been through. Now the choice that is yours, is how you want to channel that anger. I journaled my feelings and thought b/c I did not have anyone else to talk with. That was a big help. On some days I just made myself do things to keep busy, so I would not have much time to think. I did lots and lots of laundry. I also read alot of self help books.
I hope this helps. My thoughts and prayers are w/ you during this difficult time.
you know I dont know if I mentioned he is also paying off the second mortgage $17,000.00 and it was my credit cards though of course went for household things and food when he was laid off.
The only thing I am really worried about is they only ask for the dates of this marriage and we have three marriage certificates first one is 28 years ago and we were never apart but a few weeks at a time and I am afaid that since Idaho is a non alimony state
that they judge can change it even if we are both in agreement. ie judge will not go for the $200 a month alimony or even a third of the retirement . Not sure how he could change it without one of being there but who knows. I am going to ask that the papers say that we were married three times never really split apart very long and that is is 28 years or I wont sign them.
I am feeling better today. sort of numb instead of angry or sad. hope tomorrow is a better day too. hope I do ok on Christmas. try to stuff those emotions at least for that day lol
Holy Cow dolly!
You sound like you could use some help managing your anger and rage. But do not suppress them! find a way to productively vent these feelings.
Its okay to be angry. Its okay to be ragefull. I think most folks get in trouble because many of us are taught that anger and rage are wrong and make us bad people for feeling this way.
Let yourself have an off-year Christmas-wise. Don't make as many presents as you were planning.
As for the attorney meeting on the 29th: its a big "so what". Go hunting on the internet for the basic rules of divorce in your state. From what you said: his father's farm is all his (unless he has used that money on joint assets), you will probably get a scaled alimony that declines some amount per year, you are probably entitled to half of his retirement savings. These are legal technical questions. Since the kids are all grown, a divorce is more straight forward.
The marriage was toxic I dont need it .........I think though that after 28 years of verbal and emotional and a little physical abuse...........that its not just this. that I am angry about. I should be angry at ME for staying in it.
Oh I dont think its wrong to vent anger. I think most scorned women do it. you know Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!!
If he had just said we need to talk I want a divorce it would have been different. but to bring this other woman in and tell me how much more wonderful she is than I am it has just hurt sooo much.
I am almost tired of being mad. it takes alot of energy to be angry.
We have really toned down our xmas. I only have one more pair of jama bottoms to finish and so hope to get some done on them this am. Gave my mom her xmas when we went to walmart. I am not going over there on xmas and I think she probably likes that because she is 84 yrs old and there will be like 35 people going in and out all day. I will call her and tell her I love her. She needs more solitude. I made her 5 comfy dresses and she is happy with them.
we arent going anywhere for dinner. my DD is fixing a small meal of chicken casserole so we have a little to eat.
well I am sure I will be ok. I will post tomorrow night and check in. I promised my son I would not over react anymore and that will take care of it.!
the shopping trip made me feel good too! and it really helps to know how you are all handling this stuff!
Dolly:
I do not care what you have to do but GET YOUR OWN ATTORNEY. Listen to what we are telling you, we have been there, we have learned from our mistakes and we are trying to help you not make the same ones.
Listen to me girl, your emotions are getting the best of you. You are tired and emotionally drained and the last thing you want to think about is getting an attorney or putting the money together to get one. But do it. If you do not you will regret it the rest of your life.
I have been following many posting for many months and the one thing I have learned is that women who take the bull by the horns are the ones who end up surviving with the least amount of scars.
It is time you begin loving yourself FIRST.
You have us to fall back on.
But LISTEN to what we are telling you, please. Look out for yourself.
He has never messed me over before.....so I am hoping this will go smooth. I do appreciate your help and you just may be right .........but..........he never has screwed me over. I think he feels extremely guilty right now.
Dolly:
"He has never messed me over before". My God, what did he do when he decided to start emailing this woman and when he told you about he felt about her.
Dolly, you sound like such a sweet person, I just want to come this computer and hug you one minute and shake some sense into you the next.
In any event, while I am not a religions zellot I do believe in God and I believe he protects those who believe in the good of others.
You hang in there. Remember, 'start loving yourself'. It is ok to start putting yourself 1st, it will probably be the 1st time you ever have.
thanks kcssad!~ well I meant as far as money went. ..this is spose to be an unconstested divorce ie we agree so I think I will get what I want. I am getting the house and hehas to pay the second mortgage, and he is to put down 200 a month spousal support and then half the retirement. if I figure the equity in the house and the pay off of the second mortgage that is about equal to his other IRA 's etc.
Gosh I wish this would stop hurting. but in reality I dont want to be with a man who doesnt love me. life is too short. I am trying not to lose it all the time. Have been under alot of stress lately making xmas gifts and dealing with this . I was spose to clip my poodle and start on taxes for my business and am so stressed he did offer to take her to the groomer instead.
Why cant I accept that this man does not love me? That is what hurts. even though I was never happy in my marriage I loved him and tried so hard. but I think he was here to be with the kids.
I honestly do know how to put myself first. I can do it. I can start a new life. I am just angry that I have to you know? Its not what I wanted. I guess life doesnt always give us what we want and I knew that.
I dont understand love I guess. how can a man tell you at least now and then lol that he loves you when he doesnt and was mostly doing it to have his children and for sex? How will I ever trust a man again? are they all fickle? He has been bringing up stupid things like when I got tipsy at such and such a time....he said he has never seen this woman tipsy. hmm he spent six months with her then never saw her again and has only just now talked to her on the phone.
and she is better than me cause in six months he never saw her tipsy but he did me in our 28 yrs?
see I could go on and on and on........and it wont help. I guess it gets it off my chest.
I did get angry at him again tonight and I dont want to act that way. I make such a fool of myself .... it is hard on me takes all my energy.
I have got to just let go and take it all one day at a time. this board has been a life saver. Reminds me I am not alone that other women are hurt and cheated on everyday.
I hope somehow this whole things makes me more of a strong woman .........that I learn some things, I hope that I can get more control of my anger and hurt. Maybe if I pretend that I want it too. Maybe if I think of all the bad things about him and not the good that will make it all easier.
thanks you guys for being here and listening to my rants!
Dolly ~~ Just swiped this off a page about Idaho divorce laws. You can receive alimony. Honey, you are entitled to so much more than you are asking. DO NOT SELL YOURSELF SHORT!!!! So many of us have been there and so many of us have felt your pain. It is a roller coaster ride. One minute you are fine and the next looking at the paint on the wall that you both picked out brings weeping tears that do not subside for hours.
Go find an attorney ~~ there are those who do do legal aid or pro bono work. Call legal aid. DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING that you do not have an attorney review. He is trying to get away with everything. Do not give away anything that the court will grant you.
It's alright to feel sad, it is alright to be angry, it's alright to feel whatever it is that you feel. It is difficult to extract yourself from an abusive man. They tend to make you believe that you are trapped. They want you to believe that you have no alternatives and they choke everything that is good and happy out of you. Do not let him do that now. Keep your chin up. There are resources out there...ask for help open up the phone book, you would be surprised at how much support you will be able to receive.
It is hard to not love someone you have loved for most of your life. It is mind numbing and it is about your heart and if you leave you have to admit to failure. But, this is not failure, it is a new beginning for you. Whether or not you want to realize it now. You owe it to yourself to be good to yourself, because if you do not; no one else is going to treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. You should accept nothing less than that sort of treatment. PERIOD!!!! Good luck to you and may you have all the blessings you deserve. Remember we are here for you so keep posting!!
Take a look at this...you can get alimony!
Idaho Alimony Laws
Idaho laws allow the court to grant alimony if it finds that the spouse seeking maintenance lacks sufficient property to provide for his or her reasonable needs and is unable to support himself or herself through employment.
The alimony award should be in such amounts and for such periods of time that the court deems just, after considering all relevant factors, which may include:
(a) The financial resources of the spouse seeking maintenance, including the marital property awarded to the spouse, and that spouse's ability to meet his or her needs independently;
(b) The time necessary to acquire sufficient education and training to enable the spouse seeking maintenance to find employment;
(c) The duration of the marriage;
(d) The age and the physical and emotional condition of the spouse seeking maintenance;
(e) The ability of the spouse from whom maintenance is sought to meet his or her needs while meeting those of the spouse seeking maintenance;
(f) The tax consequences to each spouse;
(g) The fault of either party.
-From 32-705 of the Idaho Statutes.
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