I am soooo full of rage!!! Long Post!

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Registered: 12-21-2006
I am soooo full of rage!!! Long Post!
47
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 4:01am

I am so full of rage at my DH and the OW!~ I am trying to make xmas gifts and I cant even function. I have been lurking but I just have got to talk to someone! I have been leaning on my 24 yo DD and all it did was make her hate her dad. I just wish now I had not told her but it is so very hard to suffer alone. I cant tell my mom n sister as my mom is 84 yrs old and I do not want to ruin anyones xmas! OMG I thought I was a sensible reasonable stable person but the stuff I have been doing my 28 yr old DS says I need help.

And I am doing the stupid dumb things I always thought were horrible when women did them.
What is wrong with me? I need you people to help me. I have read everyself help book on the planet and I still cannot handle this this time........well here is my story.

I love my husband........I always have. we had a 29 year relationship in which we were married three times. the reason because of his emotional and verbal abuse and 3 beatings.
He hadnt beat me for 23 years, This last time we got married 10 years ago were not too bad especially the last 3. I thought things were going so much better and I sighed a sigh of relief that perhaps we could now be somewhat happy and grow old together.

My son is 28 he was born shortly after we got married the first time. well a few months before that he was having an affair with a married woman.......when her husband came home from military duty she went back to him but she was pregnant with my husbands child.
They say they tried to get ahold of each other for years but to no avail. My husbands daughter is now 29 or 30
now all these years later, in November my husband said he was ready to find his daughter
I said that is so wonderful!! he says he found the mother on the internet and that she would be calling. they talked some and she sent him pictures of her and her babies and I was excited to have a step daughter and step grandkids!! and happy for him. BUT the mother has still never told her daughter that the man who acted as her father is not really her dad.
well without going into all the details.........the couple phone calls I figured this would involve have turned into hours and hours of emails and phone calls! I dont think my husband has ever even talked to me that much in 28 years~~! I questioned him and he said well they just had alot in common. I told him that was not acceptable. that if we had to we could find his daughter and tell her ourselves. He said no that is up to the mother .........so I log onto our verizon account and see the many hours they chat. good grief she has a husband ........
He says he loves her very much and that he has never loved a woman like her in all his life. he said he was sorry but he enjoyed talking to her so much he just couldnt help himself and they did indeed still love each other. I said how in the h#@! can you love an adulterous woman like that who has lied to her daugher for 30yrs? She told him the are very good christian people. WHAT> ? I wont say the religion cause that could offend someone but I am so shocked. how can he think she is so godly special when she is an adulterous and a cheat and a liar and a hyocrite?
I said what do you mean? she is married. she has always been married and you only knew her six months!! I am shocked and hurt..........so shocked. I dont understand at all.
I said well what do you plan to do? and he said well dont worry.........she will never leave her husband...........(I mean this woman is spose to be a godly woman) but she can spend all these hours of talking and emailing and all this intimacy?
so I guess he must have meant dont worry as he can probably never have her though he wants her. he says she is the most special woman in the world.
I am guessing he planned on continuing this love affair over the phone n email or perhaps to get with her and stay married to me. I told him this would not work that it was heracy!
so he said ok we will get a divorce.
myself and my kids think this man has lost his mind. I have never caught him for sure committing adultery. My daughter is in shock cause he always made the kids think I was the one with faults and he could do no wrong. I think they are so angry with him too because I can take this one minute and the next I am a blubbering idiot. I have threatened to hack into his email, threatened to have his cell shut off....its in my name. well that wont work we all five are on it and he said go ahead I will stop paying the bill.
I make extra money and he is the breadwinner. he will be booming out to another job soon and says he will stay here and pay the bills until time to leave and then pay the bills till the end of march so I can get some savings ahead. I will keep the house its just a small house that I have worked very hard to try and doll up. I also talked him into giving me 1/3 of his retirement and $200 a month unless I marry. I guess ...is that the way that works.? he will keep all his belongings, vehicles, 401 ks, IRA's and money from the sale of his dads farm.
I think with the 200 a month I can survive as my mortgage is 540 a month so putting that against will be 340. that I will only have to make enough to pay the utilities, maybe eat? dog food, cable, internet, insurance and etc,
I have not felt well this last year but before that I was making around $1,000 a month.
yes I am scared. I work for myself but at min wage, I have no marketable skills , I would bring home even less. min wage in this state is like 5.50 an hour I think.
well .........I have threatened to call her, call her husband, I follow him to see if he is going to call her, I cry I yell, I threaten, look pitiful then am fine for a while.......the bang its back. I have completely lost it. I am already on wellbutrin have been for years.
I just cant accept this and let it go. There were times I had wished he would find someone so I didnt have to hurt him and tell him I wanted a divorce. because he was the emotional and verbal abuser and hurt me so every day. I read the book Verbal Abusers Speak out. I have highlighted every thing in there! he fits the abuser to a T. anyway now I finally thought he had changed and we could be a little happy together that all was well! In fact before I knew of his disgusting dying love for her he all the sudden turned a new leaf. he even hugged my mom and other people and treated me like gold. we all thought maybe he had found out he was dying or something so was now going to be nice? I relished in it.! at the same time worrying about him. he had some Dr visits n tests around that time. I decide he had come to terms with How To Be Nice To Others. but
the BANG the bottom fell out of that one. He was happy cause this horrible married woman far away was talking to him? oh get real!I told him he is in love with a fantasy they didnt even know each other. He says he cant help it She is all he ever wanted in a woman.and is soooo special. I even had sex with him the other night thinking well this may be my last and Ihope she can hear us!
I just have to get ahold of myself. My daughter says I deserve so much more.
another thing while he was on the cell with her tonight I called repeatedly so the little beep that comes in would irritate him. I did this for like an hour. I was pretty angry that he didnt take my first call in...........I told him WHAT if the kids had just gotten in a terrible car wreck and he would rather keep talking to this woman than know ???
what is wrong with this man?I told him when he goes to the next job and if the kids get hurt I am not even going to try and call him. why should I have to push redial for more than an hour ??
oh I am just soooo angry!! He has an appt with the attorney on the 29th. I told him before I will sign them it better explain that is 10 year marriage was after 20 previous years as I dont want the judge to say I dont deserve the alimony and retirement.
I just wont sign them unless it says enough to ease my fears.
I so wish I wasnt going through this .....I have xmas gifts to finish making and I am so obessed with this hurt and betrayal and fear of the unknown. I appreciate anyone who can share their stories and give advice. other than counseling as I dont have th emoney and as I said I have read every self help book they have ever printed I think!!!!
My husband has always stood tall for being the leader of the family and having or so he said VALUES! while he made me look like a jerk to my children with his criticsm and hate toward me. always belittling me and making fun of my music, my talents my hobbies, my ability to earn money? was always a joke to him.
I just do not understand why I am taking this so hard!!

Edited 12/21/2006 4:08 am ET by dollyfrocks




Edited 12/24/2006 4:06 am ET by dollyfrocks
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 2:20am
Thank you so much jojoke. He has agreed to pay my full support till the end of April so I can work on ebay and put all my money in savings. We are both going to the attorney and giving him our agreed upon decisions that must be in the papers.
I really only want 1/3 of the retirement. He did work much harder than me. I had time for my hobbies oftentimes when he didnt.
Each day I am trying to get better. I attacked him again today........calling the OW names etc. Why cant I stop doing that? I tell myself the night before I wont do it and bingo out it comes.
He has sacrificed his life for the kids and me too I guess. I mean he wanted to be with his kids so he fed me and put a roof over my head and I was able to make money for my own clothes etc and extras for the kids but then of course we moved in construction all the time so I didnt embark on a REAL career. I do believe I contributed enough to his life to get what we have agreed upon.
Honestly all I want is to be able to survive and stay in this old house.......I only want the 200 month to help reduce my mortgage cost and he is paying the second mortgage which was taken out for my credit cards. the 1/3 retirement along with my small ss should be enough to survive on I hope. when I am no longer able to do artwork etc.
dont worry I wont sign anything I dont understand.
I appreciate all of you for being here for me. I have no idea why I am wearing my soul on my heart. I have at times when we decided we were not good for each other I have wished he would find someone so I wouldnt feel like I had deserted him even though he was verbally and emotionally abusive. (only two and a half physical beatings in 28 years LOL)
I just go on and on and on and I dont know what else to do. Trying to work on my business taxes........Why I wasted time acting out at him I dont know. it was mostly about my fear of not trusting him and the attorney but hey if I go with him and we all decide on this uncontested divorce and what is going to be in the papers I should be ok. I guess if it goes bad and I am served with different papers then I can run and get an attorney to fight back. I know he doesnt want that as then the cost of his attorney will skyrocket as it will be contested and by the hour.
I think I will try to work with him and the attorney. its spose to be uncontested so they cant put things in there I dont want right? otherwise it will cost H more money.
I think it will be ok. as I said if the papers I am served arent the same then I can get an attorney. no one is going to court as its uncontested. And I will know that before it goes before the judge.
Boy do you ever feel like doing an abstract painting in all of this and starting out with a big big slash of black ??
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 9:20am
I suggest you get your own attorney to look things over if not on retainer.

Susan

"Success is building a foundation wit

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 8:40am

I cant reply until Saturday since I am with my daughter at a basketball tournament. But I will get back to you.

Dolly, you are in my thoughts every day.

Hang in there, they say that it just takes time. I know, because I am living in a situation where I just want to end it all. If it were not for my daughter I am sure I would have taken the easy way out. I just don't have the strength or will any longer. I am tired. I am tired of being sad. I am tired of feeling like a fool. I am sick of this martyr that I have become. I just want to run away and never look back.

I keep asking for Gods help but he is not listening to me. Why? I think I am a pretty good person. But maybe not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 9:30am
YOU ARE A WONDERFUL PERSON! you are special and your daughter and others need you. You will heal!! We all will. I look at my first husband who I spent 10 yrs with who I almost destroyed myself over.........I look at him now and feel nothing and wonder what I ever saw in him.
yes we do heal. it just takes a little time. I finally sent emails to my family members and told them what is going on and asked them not to call but they can email me. if they call me about this I will just start crying.
I too have had passing thoughts of just checking out but heck with that. for one thing it would hurt my children deeply and my other loved ones. Another reason I want to stick around is cause there are still so many things I want to do! I have enough interests and hobbies and work to last me several lifetimes so making this one short wont help that at all
Be strong! If you think you should call a counselor or hot line please do so! it will help!
Go look in the mirror and say over and over real loud: I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU!!
and mean it! Well he just got up and dont want him to see my posts so will talk to you all soon! Hang in there!! There are still ice cream cones to eat!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 5:22pm

Dolly:

I just came home from the high school to get some Excedrin and there you were.

Thank you for the kind words they mean alot.

Dolly, I do not know if I have told you my story or if you are even interested in reading it. If you do not I will not be hurt. Let me know.

You know I use to be a strong independent woman. I was young and attractive and thought I had it all together. I began to live just for my family. I have no friends no outside interests. I use to work for Corporate America but a bad injury forced me to retire early. Since I left my job my world has been my family and my husband and it sickens me that he has chosen to leave me behind.

I truly am lost. I truly sicken myself. I hate the person that I have become. I hate the snooping, the spying, the counting the Viagra every time he goes out. I know pitiful, you do not have to say it' I say it to myself all of the time.

I have to get back up to the High School but I will write either later this evening or tomorrow.

Thank you for being there. But if you find that I am bringing you down I will understand.

I am going to go to the mirror right now.

Thank you again,

Kathleen

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 8:41pm
Kathleen I would love to hear your story. No you are not bringing me down. helping others can get our mind off of ourselves......just chatting and sharing stories will help us both. I too have been spying and I dont want to be that type of person. our marriage is over. he has left and abandoned me emotionally so why do I continue to search for evidence? I know just what you mean.
you know I would guess we both thought that if we gave our lives to this man who supposedly loved us that he would always be here for us. I guess this is a rude awakening for both of us that we only have ourselves and we need to make the best life possible!
I woke up crying again this a.m. But am better now. He use to when we split up he would leave things here at the house but this time he is taking all his stuff at once and at least that way it will help not think about him and what i had thought this life would be like. And this is the first time there was an actual flesh n blood other woman and him saying he loved her so much.
I finally emailed all my family members and told them what was going on. I asked them to please not call me about it. I would just start crying.
I guess maybe romantic love is only temporary. You would think a 29 year connection they would care about us but guess not.
I am even losing my anger at the OW. Life happens and all we can do is make the best road for ourselves and go on. I dont know if I will ever trust another man fully but at my age I wont have to worry about those things for much longer LOL
I am so glad I have my kids, grandkids, and my hobbies.
have a great evening and I will watch this thread for your story. keep your chin up.
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Registered: 03-30-2003
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 5:33pm

Hi Dolly! I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. Just a couple of suggestions that came to mind after reading this post.


1. After that many years of marriage, you are entitled to enough support where you don't have to worry about how to pay bills. You mentioned he is going to "THE" attorney. Does that mean there is only one attorney taking care of both of you? You really need your own to ensure that you get what you are entitled to. I know you don't have the money, but you can get advice through Legal Aid in your area. An atoorney may be able to get you more than the 200 a month if stbx is making good money.


2. I would say, with all of the rage you are carrying around, counseling would definitely help you. It has helped me a

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 9:52pm

Hi Amy! My what a gorgeous little daughter you have!!
thanks so much for your help. We had been divorced before and he did what he said he would. If the papers say what I need them to say then it will save us alot of money. If they dont I have 20 days to contest. I can either go to legal aid or borrow the money from my mom
I did forfeit the 200 a month as he feels if he pays the second mortgage (300)which is high interest and it was to pay off my credit cards he feels that the 300 a month second mortgage is all he can pay. I am getting the house and the equity in it although ha if I sell it will have to pay that debt off but will keep the rest of the equity there is.
He is going to give me 2,000 to put in savings and support me till the end of April so I can add to it for back up.
He wanted to put in there that if I had a live in relationship or got married I would take that debt back but I tried to explain to him that it might (if I did )indeed have one........it could turn sour then I am on my own with more monthly payments to pay. out of my 1200a month I may make while he grosses 3800.
I am to get 1/3 of his pension. when he retires.
Well all can do is see what the documents say. I dont really want to ask for too much. I am trying to be happy with him paying that debt, the 2,000 and 1/3 of the pension.
some of his IRA are from his fathers farm and the attorney says I am not entitled to that.
well I will keep you all posted. He has paid the house payments for the last 7 years so
I am trying to be fair too. If I demand the 200 a month I dont think that will work he said the attorney told him he was being very generous to give me the house and equity and pay the second mortgage.
I told him the attorney is representing him not me and of course they arent mentioning my earning power compared to his as a stay at home wife n mother.

Oh gee I will be glad when this is all over.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 11:49pm

Dolly:

It has been a grueling week. I was up at my daughters tournament all week from 8:00am to 10:00pm. I have a really bad back so by the time I have gotten home the pain has been killing me.

I married 31 years ago this upcoming March. Two weeks into the marriage my brother, who was working for my husband, called me and told me that one of the guys he was working with had told him that my husband was seeing his wife behind his back. I guess my husband would pick him up in the am, take him to the job, then go back to the guys house to be with the guys wife. That day, the day of the phone call, my husband came home and told me of his undying love for me and that the guy was crazy.

Next thing: My husband hired our neighbors wife to be his bookkeeper. My husband had a pattern back then of leaving hickees. One day while I was at work I kept calling home only to be told by the nanny that my husband was next door. When I tried phoning her home no answer. That day when I came home from work I went next door and she had hickees all over her neck. When I confronted him about it he told me I was crazy.

He use to go to the 'bar' on Friday nights and on one occasion did not come home. He went to a party without me, because we had gotten into an argument, he did not come home.

Fast forward to 1998. He received a letter from the District Attorneys office- Child Support Division. I opened it it was demanding back child support for a daughter that he was being accused of fathering 3 years into the marriage. He denied it, but when the DNA came back bingo he was the father. I decided to forgive him for that because it had happened so long ago.

Last summer I took my daughter to practice and used his vehicle. When I got home I noticed that his cell phone was in the car, and due to the extremem heat that day I decided to take it into the house. When I picked it up I noticed that there was a missed message from a number I did not recognize. When I played it it was a woman telling him she was stuck in traffic and she wanted to know if she was going to be seeing him that night. When I confronted him he said he said she must have dialed the wrong number. Well, I had written the number down and I called her. She said that she had been seeing him but that until recently she did not know that he was married. That when he had told her she broke it off. She went on to tell me that he was trolling on the Internet posing himself as single. When I confronted him with the call I told him I wanted a divorce. I then went upstairs and laid down. Two hours later he came up crying ( I now believe it was an act ) begging me to give him another chance. He would do anything. He was so ashamed. I relented and gave in.

I was at that time consumed with what I had found out. For some reason I continued to snoop and was able to break into his Email. Bingo, there it was numerous Emails to this woman before she had broken it off. He told her that he had been down south on business for his sister and thinking about things and had decided that he needed to be honest with her and tell her that he was married. She replied that she felt used and tawdry. He wrote back telling her he was so sorry and that he had been married "to this woman for 29 years, during which most of it she has been in therapy. I am not unhappy just unfulfilled. There is more to my story but I am not good at writing and would love to tell you in person if you would agree."

Woman #2 email: A woman he met on yahoo. A good Christian woman who also thought he was single. They never met, but his last entry to her was I really need to meet you in person so I can share some information. Eventhough, you may never want to see me again after I talk to you.

Woman #3 email: A woman he met on Adult friendfinder. She like he was married. He Emailed her that "at this stage in my wife life she is not into sex. If you are willing to meet with me I hope we can do all of the things that make sex so wonderful'. I do not know if he ever met up with her.

Woman #4 email: She was a manager in the lingerie Dept of Maci's here in San Diego. He sent her a picture and told her that she reminded him of an earlier place and time in his life. I do not know if he ever hooked up with her either.

Woman # 5 email: Barbie, a woman he had been emailing for 2 years. There were many, many emails that he had failed to erase from her. She called herself an erotic writer and wrote many, many, xxxxxrated stories. Additionally, he had seen her on several occasions and they both wrote back and forth about those meetings. He told her "you are the only woman I want to kiss, lick, I want to -ick your a-- -ole, and finger -uck you." She wrote him that she loved the tool he used to fix her back door. He also wrote her that he wanted to meet her for lunch so that they could get a taste of each other in his back seat since he had tinted windows.

There were numerous numbers on his cell phone to massage parlors. Where they did more than massage.

I am sickened sitting here writing this to you.

Dolly, the sad part is I am addicted to reading all of this stuff over and over. Why, I must be crazy to subject myself to this.

When I confronted him about the emails he told me once again that he was so ashamed and then said that he meant what he had said when he told me he was done with all of that nonsense. He planned a trip to Las Vegas last September where he would answer any and all questions. When we got to Vegas he told me that there is root cause for everything in life and basically I was the root cause. That I had turned off to him and so he needed to be fulfilled.

Ever since last September I have been consumed with all of this. At first I reacted by being intimate with him all of the time. I guess trying to convince him and me that he could never ever find anyone better. Then, I went into a deep depression. Everytime we were intimate I would go numb. Then it was when ever he touched my buttocks I would imagine that he was fantasizing about her.

I have been troubled with a sick sense that there was something, something was not right. On many occasions I would walk into his office and he was on the Internet and he would click off the web site that he was on. I tried to tell myself that it was just my imaginaion.

The tournament started on Tuesday, Wednesday I had to come home for something and I went into his office he was on his computer. I could not see what the website was but as soon as he saw me he clicked it off. I had that gut feeling that it was something he was hiding. When I confronted him about it he went into this disertation that the Germans tried this crap with the Jews. Tried to monitor everything that they had done. Censored their every move. And that he was having no part of it. He believes that I saw the actual website, but I did not. I acted like I did. We have not spoken since.

Last night he tried to come up next to me and start massaging my hip. I got up and came downstairs.

Dolly, I am sure that you are sitting there thinking that I am crazy. I am embarassed to say that I think that I am crazy too. Why do I stay?????? What is wrong with me?

How can someone you love so much hurt you so bad?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 8:33am
kcssad........I am so sorry. What horrible things this man is doing to you! I am so sad for you. You know even if we decide we do not even want to be married to these men it still hurts so much. its hard to stop loving someone just like that.
you arent crazy. I married my stbx 3 times I feel like a dog who has gone back to his vomit. My H hasnt been on the computer all that long but he is into porn pretty heavy already and he did say that he had been on yahoo personals. for three years.
You are NOT crazy ..........they cause all this crazy making then turn it on us so that we are the ones who think we are crazy.
I hope you find the strength to leave him. but if you dont I understand. its like the frog who is put on the stove of hot water, the burner is turned on low. the frog thinks the water is nice and warm so he stays in . but in a little while the water is boiling and by then he is too weak to crawl out!
My H told me of his dying love for this woman........and he had never loved me. I think though that he didnt realise I would prefer we divorced as to have her in our lives. He had said I had nothing to worry about as she wouldnt divorce her husband. what? ....as if I want him beings I am just I guess being used. he cant see her she lives far away and is married. I guess he is living for the future and planned on divorcing me later when he was done with me LOL I cant even imagine why he would even think that after the things he said to me I would stay. at least your husband is telling you he loves you and that he will stop..........but of course since their lies that doesnt help much.
I am sure you must be in terrible pain. If I were you I would leave him as soon as you can. I think the main thing that would worry me about this especially since their has been several women....is getting Aids or something.
I told my H I could never let him touch me again as he had been deceiving me about many things plus it would hurt my heart terribly to have sex with him.........knowing he is probably thinking of her.
we must love ourselves and get out of these relationships. course mine is over as he has started legal proceedings .......I should be divorced by the first of Feb. I think my biggest fear is taking care of myself but I am going to try with all my might and if I dont make it I would rather push a grocery cart than let this man hurt me again.
Hang in there.........be strong. remember all the years you have put up with this man are just another section of our lives that need to be forgotten and changed. they need to be ended and put into a memory envelope and thrown into the sea. They do not deserve us.
I dont know if I will get involved again but when I hear love songs I think hmm maybe someday a man will love me and treat me that way.
Thanks for sharing your story. I dont think I could be as strong as you . I would have probably lost it long ago. but I think you have tolerated him enough now and need to make your plans to get out !!