I am soooo full of rage!!! Long Post!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
I am soooo full of rage!!! Long Post!
47
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 4:01am

I am so full of rage at my DH and the OW!~ I am trying to make xmas gifts and I cant even function. I have been lurking but I just have got to talk to someone! I have been leaning on my 24 yo DD and all it did was make her hate her dad. I just wish now I had not told her but it is so very hard to suffer alone. I cant tell my mom n sister as my mom is 84 yrs old and I do not want to ruin anyones xmas! OMG I thought I was a sensible reasonable stable person but the stuff I have been doing my 28 yr old DS says I need help.

And I am doing the stupid dumb things I always thought were horrible when women did them.
What is wrong with me? I need you people to help me. I have read everyself help book on the planet and I still cannot handle this this time........well here is my story.

I love my husband........I always have. we had a 29 year relationship in which we were married three times. the reason because of his emotional and verbal abuse and 3 beatings.
He hadnt beat me for 23 years, This last time we got married 10 years ago were not too bad especially the last 3. I thought things were going so much better and I sighed a sigh of relief that perhaps we could now be somewhat happy and grow old together.

My son is 28 he was born shortly after we got married the first time. well a few months before that he was having an affair with a married woman.......when her husband came home from military duty she went back to him but she was pregnant with my husbands child.
They say they tried to get ahold of each other for years but to no avail. My husbands daughter is now 29 or 30
now all these years later, in November my husband said he was ready to find his daughter
I said that is so wonderful!! he says he found the mother on the internet and that she would be calling. they talked some and she sent him pictures of her and her babies and I was excited to have a step daughter and step grandkids!! and happy for him. BUT the mother has still never told her daughter that the man who acted as her father is not really her dad.
well without going into all the details.........the couple phone calls I figured this would involve have turned into hours and hours of emails and phone calls! I dont think my husband has ever even talked to me that much in 28 years~~! I questioned him and he said well they just had alot in common. I told him that was not acceptable. that if we had to we could find his daughter and tell her ourselves. He said no that is up to the mother .........so I log onto our verizon account and see the many hours they chat. good grief she has a husband ........
He says he loves her very much and that he has never loved a woman like her in all his life. he said he was sorry but he enjoyed talking to her so much he just couldnt help himself and they did indeed still love each other. I said how in the h#@! can you love an adulterous woman like that who has lied to her daugher for 30yrs? She told him the are very good christian people. WHAT> ? I wont say the religion cause that could offend someone but I am so shocked. how can he think she is so godly special when she is an adulterous and a cheat and a liar and a hyocrite?
I said what do you mean? she is married. she has always been married and you only knew her six months!! I am shocked and hurt..........so shocked. I dont understand at all.
I said well what do you plan to do? and he said well dont worry.........she will never leave her husband...........(I mean this woman is spose to be a godly woman) but she can spend all these hours of talking and emailing and all this intimacy?
so I guess he must have meant dont worry as he can probably never have her though he wants her. he says she is the most special woman in the world.
I am guessing he planned on continuing this love affair over the phone n email or perhaps to get with her and stay married to me. I told him this would not work that it was heracy!
so he said ok we will get a divorce.
myself and my kids think this man has lost his mind. I have never caught him for sure committing adultery. My daughter is in shock cause he always made the kids think I was the one with faults and he could do no wrong. I think they are so angry with him too because I can take this one minute and the next I am a blubbering idiot. I have threatened to hack into his email, threatened to have his cell shut off....its in my name. well that wont work we all five are on it and he said go ahead I will stop paying the bill.
I make extra money and he is the breadwinner. he will be booming out to another job soon and says he will stay here and pay the bills until time to leave and then pay the bills till the end of march so I can get some savings ahead. I will keep the house its just a small house that I have worked very hard to try and doll up. I also talked him into giving me 1/3 of his retirement and $200 a month unless I marry. I guess ...is that the way that works.? he will keep all his belongings, vehicles, 401 ks, IRA's and money from the sale of his dads farm.
I think with the 200 a month I can survive as my mortgage is 540 a month so putting that against will be 340. that I will only have to make enough to pay the utilities, maybe eat? dog food, cable, internet, insurance and etc,
I have not felt well this last year but before that I was making around $1,000 a month.
yes I am scared. I work for myself but at min wage, I have no marketable skills , I would bring home even less. min wage in this state is like 5.50 an hour I think.
well .........I have threatened to call her, call her husband, I follow him to see if he is going to call her, I cry I yell, I threaten, look pitiful then am fine for a while.......the bang its back. I have completely lost it. I am already on wellbutrin have been for years.
I just cant accept this and let it go. There were times I had wished he would find someone so I didnt have to hurt him and tell him I wanted a divorce. because he was the emotional and verbal abuser and hurt me so every day. I read the book Verbal Abusers Speak out. I have highlighted every thing in there! he fits the abuser to a T. anyway now I finally thought he had changed and we could be a little happy together that all was well! In fact before I knew of his disgusting dying love for her he all the sudden turned a new leaf. he even hugged my mom and other people and treated me like gold. we all thought maybe he had found out he was dying or something so was now going to be nice? I relished in it.! at the same time worrying about him. he had some Dr visits n tests around that time. I decide he had come to terms with How To Be Nice To Others. but
the BANG the bottom fell out of that one. He was happy cause this horrible married woman far away was talking to him? oh get real!I told him he is in love with a fantasy they didnt even know each other. He says he cant help it She is all he ever wanted in a woman.and is soooo special. I even had sex with him the other night thinking well this may be my last and Ihope she can hear us!
I just have to get ahold of myself. My daughter says I deserve so much more.
another thing while he was on the cell with her tonight I called repeatedly so the little beep that comes in would irritate him. I did this for like an hour. I was pretty angry that he didnt take my first call in...........I told him WHAT if the kids had just gotten in a terrible car wreck and he would rather keep talking to this woman than know ???
what is wrong with this man?I told him when he goes to the next job and if the kids get hurt I am not even going to try and call him. why should I have to push redial for more than an hour ??
oh I am just soooo angry!! He has an appt with the attorney on the 29th. I told him before I will sign them it better explain that is 10 year marriage was after 20 previous years as I dont want the judge to say I dont deserve the alimony and retirement.
I just wont sign them unless it says enough to ease my fears.
I so wish I wasnt going through this .....I have xmas gifts to finish making and I am so obessed with this hurt and betrayal and fear of the unknown. I appreciate anyone who can share their stories and give advice. other than counseling as I dont have th emoney and as I said I have read every self help book they have ever printed I think!!!!
My husband has always stood tall for being the leader of the family and having or so he said VALUES! while he made me look like a jerk to my children with his criticsm and hate toward me. always belittling me and making fun of my music, my talents my hobbies, my ability to earn money? was always a joke to him.
I just do not understand why I am taking this so hard!!

Edited 12/21/2006 4:08 am ET by dollyfrocks




Edited 12/24/2006 4:06 am ET by dollyfrocks
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 4:25pm

Dolly:

Well, here it is January 1, yet another new year. On Thursday I will be 57, my goodness where does the time go. You know I was thinking early this am that I have gone thru yet another year believing that we could find what I thought we had. You see Dolly the man I am in love with and the man I am married to are two different people. I guess he thinks it is ok to have a wife at home and be in the streets proving his manhood.

I was also thinking something quite interesting and I thought of you as well as myself when these thoughts were going thru my mind. You know I have based my happiness on my marriage, everything about me was measured by my marriage. Slowly but surely I began to loose myself. I never stopped to realize that I can not base my happiness on a union of two different people. I totally lost myself in the process. I thought I was on cloud 9 if everything was going well and in hell if we were not. How did I let that happen? I should have remembered that God made me not him. I put him before everything even God, he was my total world. What did I get in return? Betrayal!!!!! He tells me all of the time that I am about nothing but doom and gloom. Gee I wonder why? I mean I really did wonder why. I could not explain why I could not pull myself together. Now I understand it is because I used him as the barometer for my life.

You sound as if you are a great homemaker. I, unfortunately, do not have those talents. I am not a good cook by any stretch of the imagination. So many times in the past years he has put me down for things I have tried to make that I guess I just believed that cooking was not my forte. He on the other hand is a fantastic cook. He is making Creole today. He has never made it before but I can assure you it will be the best I have ever eaten.

I keep a nice home, I love to decorate, antiques were my passion. In the last few years however I have even began to loose interest in them. Looking to go Oriental, why?, I think it evokes peace and harmoney to me.

Dolly, you sound as if you have turned the corner, You sound like you are beginning to focus on what is best for you, I hear little hints of it in your writing. I want you to know that while I do not know you words can not express the sincere appreciation I have for you entering into my life and being willing to spend a few minutes with me. Your words, kindness, and encouragement are wonderful.

I can assure you that the day will come when your husband realizes what an idiot he is. It may come today, tomorrow, or 5 years from now but he will. Hopefully by then you will have made a new life for yourself and set down some new roots. I have often wondered why we women believe that we need a man to make us whole. You know the women that men crave and leave us for do not believe that way. They use men as pawns. They put themselves first before all else and these men love it. My husband also is into Porn. I found some pictures of women in his safe. Young women in the 20's and 30's in very provacative positions. I believe he went somewhere and took them. There is also a picture from the Barbie woman, or at least I think it is her. She is lying on a bed with red fish net stockings, a red see thru top, her panties pulled down to her ankles. My God, why am I telling you this??? Why do I feel the need to punish myself like this. What is wrong with me?

I hope that the year 2007 is a new beginning for you. I hope you find peace within yourself. I know that for me I am going to begin to take better care of myself physically. I am going to try and get my mind straight. I am reading inspirational material each and every day. I am waiting for it to kick in.

Dolly, thank you again for being a friend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 9:33pm
Thank you for your inspirational message. You know I dont think we are trying to hurt ourselves by replaying the horrid things they did to us. just the opposite. We HAVE TO VALIDATE THAT IT HAPPENED. Then we can deal with it. I think I will sit down in a few days and write all the things I didnt like about my STBX and all the ways he has hurt me with his verbal and emotional abuse and now with this OW ....Then I am going to sit and tear the list all up in tiny pieces and throw it in the garbage. I would burn them but dont want to burn my house down and with my luck I would flush them down the toilet and it would plug the toilet up LOL
thats where they belong. in the Toilet!
You know you and I grew up during the time of The Great Cinderella Complex. there is a book titled the Cinderella Complex. not sure who the author is. but we were taught to grow up and find our prince charming. (and that ..that was a dream come true and we would live happily for ever after. and when he didnt turn out that way and he actually abused us in certain ways it destroyed our reality. Our reality became a joke, a lie, and by then we were so co dependant in the relationship we couldnt get out.
We just have to be re born. not in the biblical sense but in our womanhood and our person.
our soul, our psyche has to be born again and start a new life from 57 on forward.
I am going to pretend I was just born. That I am my age and I am alone. And that I have alot to learn about taking care of myself. You know us humans will go to great lengths to survive!!
todays little girls are more likely to be told to go to college, become and engineer or Dr or Lawyer!!
I cant believe the stories our parents told us and the movies we watched. Sleeping Beauty for instance. We find the Beast and he turns into our one and only. good grief!!! No they dont. We find the Beast, the dysfunctional cheating man and think if he marries us he will turn into our Prince Charming.
If I had parenthood to do over I dont think I would allow my daughter to know the story of Cinderella and Beauty and The Beast.
its ok that they have faith in true love. I do my best to not get like my sister. and say all men are creeps. I see happy couples our age in the stores etc treating each other with dignity and respect and love. its all about us. But I think we got stuck with Beauty and The Beast and we married him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2006
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 10:52pm

Dolly and Kathleen

Ladies, so sorry you are going through so much. I've followed your messages and they make me so sad.

Kathleen, you do so need counseling!! You deserve better than staying with the man that has hurt you so much. Right now, you think you might be better off and yes, have to struggle to make ends meet, yes, it is so much easier financially. However, you have a pattern and a routine in your life something with which you are comfortable. Break out of the pattern, out of the routine. So easy to sit here and type that statement and so difficult to put into practice. I know!!

For every person who said that I was better off without my husband I wanted to slap them because it did not feel that way. They had no idea the pain that I felt. Surely, you are feeling the same way. I was not given the choice because he moved in with the OW after telling me about her and draining our bank accounts.

The anger, the despondency, the loneliness; it is all gut wrenching debilitating with the darkest depths of despair through which you question your existence and feel the enormity of the pain as it drags at your very soul. It sucks and pulls at you as though you are trying to walk through quick sand with no way to get through it and no end in sight.

I’ve felt it!! Imagine that every single person on this board has felt it to some degree. However, it has to get better. You cannot keep living the way that you are living. You cannot live with the uncertainty, the way things are going. You cannot force him to act the way that you want him to act. You are only responsible for yourself!! Please do not count on this man…please do whatever it is that you have to do to take care of yourself and your children! Even if you are alone, it is so much better than living the way that you live now with all the questions and doubts. Yes, you are truly better off without a liar, a cheater, or an abuser sharing your bed. That means even through the financial struggles and taking care of your children alone…you are still better off without someone who makes you miserable. You just do not know it yet. >>>HUGS<<<< for anyone who needs them!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Tue, 01-02-2007 - 6:45pm

Jojoke:

I wanted to take a moment to say thank you for your interest and kind words.

Not that I need to appear anymore of a fool than I already am but I am the one with the money, not him. I pay all of the bills, food, clothest, entertainment etc; everything except the house note which is only $500.00 a month. While $500.00 a month may seem alot to some areas of the oountry, we live in San Diego in a huge house. I had this house when we married.

Sounds like you are have been where we are and are surviving. I can not believe to imagine the amount of tears that women all over the US let alone the world have shed or cheating men.

My husband just does not seem to get it. He does not understand nor can he relate to the actual pain he had caused. He thinks I should be able to just forgive, forget, and lets go on. I think he truly believes that as long as I do not know then he is not hurting me. How can this be???? To him, as he says, it is just sex, nothing more. The women are old, lonely, and hardup. My God that simply enrages me that he would view ANYONE, ANY HUMAN being like that.

Thank you again, and I send sinere hopes for a very Happy New Year.

Kathleen

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Tue, 01-02-2007 - 6:56pm

Dolly:

I had to smile seeing you still have the ability to crack jokes.

What a great idea, about writing down everything and then tearing it up. I think I am going to try that myself.

It was amazing reading the last several paragraphs that you wrote, because I had just written those same ideas in my journal early this am.

I am trying to counsel my 17 year old daughter about men without being too negative. I do not want to frighten her or for her to believe that there is noone out there for her. She is a smart, independent, beautiful young lady that I know will have all of the guys in College running behind her. I have told her on more that one occasion that she needs to look into the person, not to judge a book by its cover. I have recommended that in finding that special someone to be sure that he loves her more than she loves him.

My daughter is sensitive like me but much more hard core. She is not going to allow anyone to walk over her. It was important that she be able to be independent with a mind of her own.

I have often told her life is not like the movies, very rarely does a Prince Charming ride up on the white horse and make everything perfect. I have also advised that she continue to really get to know all people before she trusts them. But most importantly I have told her I want her to be a good person, who is caring.

Have a great evening,

Kathleen

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2006
Tue, 01-02-2007 - 7:46pm

In response to your comment about Cinderella and Beauty and the Beast, my oldest daughter is turning 20 soon. I used to tell my own version of those stories. For example, instead of Cinderella pining away as a slave to her step-family, waiting for someone to save her, I would ask my daughter, "Why doesn't she just LEAVE? Why is she waiting for some man to save her?" Then we would laugh together.

Needless to say, my daughter is a gorgeous, smart, and independent young woman who will be able to save herself when she needs to. ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 2:23am
That is totally wonderful!!
Well tonight he left and was on the cell phone with her for another hour and a half.I cant figure out what they could be talking about. This is like every other night. I dont think the man talked to me that much in 28 yrs LOL We had a good sex life. she is a long way away in Montana....so dont know what he is going to do in that category but its not going to beme this time. There were times before I would still have sex with him if we were broke up and he had been mean. what a wreck I was. grasping for crumbs.
I did not react tonight. I didnt try to call him or harrass him with incoming beeps. Nope .....and he came home and silently slipped into bed. I did not go in and rage at him about what they talked about. NOPE~ I am getting better. Still kind of numb and I did start to cry twice but caught myself.
I know he is mad that in the mornings I am working right by the computer so he cant go email back and forth like usual. His new job should be starting soon then he will be moving out.
Now I cant wait. as much as my heart has been ripped away I dont want him around me anymore. And as they say the No Contact policy is best. Oh it hurts yes but you know he has been hurting me emotionally for 28 yrs . the only difference now is this other woman is taking him off my hands so I dont have to worry about hurting his feelings when I tell him I want out. nope.
I have given up. well lol looks like I had no choice but at least now I CAN give up.
Well here I am .....at 57 and going to start my life over AGAIN.
I am so tired of toxicity in my daily life. its been that way for many years. I am sure I wont know how to act or think blah blah.
Well thanks for letting me ramble on. I really have no one to talk to about this embarrassing stuff. yes he has embarrassed me and I told him so. to think these two are still both married to others and having this massive affair. I am going to wait till our divorce is final to even talk to another man. It never felt comfortable but I guess to them their marriages are garbage so
oh whoops there I am .........reacting again hehe sorry.
I better try and focus on my work and my new life somehow. but as I said at least I didnt harrass him this time. It wears me out and I can do so many more constructive things. with my time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 9:42am
Feel good that you made this one step forward! You know that's how it's done. You get used to one hard situation and soon you're looking back thinking how you ever thought those things were tough at all. And it's not starting over really, just continuing in a different direction.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 10:18am
You know you are right! And even if we had one man love us from day one till forever....there are still hard things in life to battle. Why do we get so downtrodden over a man ........I mean its not like we lost one of our kids is it?
I did lose it again this a.m. toward him. I dont think it was quite as bad. I told him I was trying.....I mean I dont want to act this way. and he does have to stay here for a bit. No matter whathe has done to me I am not going to throw him out .......he is paying the bills here. he is paying the bills for the next four months so I can get a savings and a head start on my First month alone.
It wouldnt be smart to throw him out.
Boy I tell you I dont know if I cant stand it if I dont learn to completely stop these tirades. or whatever it is.
maybe it will help once he moves out. do you spose? Cause when I look at him all these emotions start in and these thoughts of abandonment. I am good to tell everyone else how to deal with things then cant do it myself lol
it was a bad marriage........and I am having a hard time letting it go. I guess its the old saying better one in the hand than two in the bush. I mean you know have you heard that song.....Even a bad love is better than no love at all? ha that should be outlawed.
If I was younger I think I would take this better. at 57 I feel as if I am nearing 60. I do think I am still attractive in an old person sort of way. Maybe there is some old man out there who will cherish me. I do know I have to get rid of this garbage first.
I am happy with myself........I have more things to do and hobbies n interests to last me several lifetimes. I guess I just need love like everyone.
I think I should sit and write allthe bad things about him and read it several times a day ..maybe that will help I just betcha!


Edited 1/3/2007 10:20 am ET by dollyfrocks
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 12:26pm
well just an update! He filed for divorce on the 5th.........so it should be final around the end of January. I still go into a little rage now and then but getting better. I was feeling so lonely and isolated last night that I had sex with him. I know that is a no no and I knew better but we were sorting pictures and it just happened. After 28 years of a good sex life its hard to stop no matter what. He even mentioned we could keep going on with that........but of course I know it must stop. I will never heal if I do that.
He is still calling her like every other day and emailing most days. He sent her his baby picture yesterday ........to compare to their daughter. Which the daughter was fine with me I was all for it but guess this woman thought she would just step right on in. He probably told her wanted a divorce anyway but that is strange as we had been getting along very well
and even talking about remodeling the house. I dont understand how she could do this to her husband. or to me. I could never encourage an affair with a married man. Never. I would say
Hey if you get a divorce call me but not till then.
well just wanted to update you all.