I am soooo full of rage!!! Long Post!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
I am soooo full of rage!!! Long Post!
47
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 4:01am

I am so full of rage at my DH and the OW!~ I am trying to make xmas gifts and I cant even function. I have been lurking but I just have got to talk to someone! I have been leaning on my 24 yo DD and all it did was make her hate her dad. I just wish now I had not told her but it is so very hard to suffer alone. I cant tell my mom n sister as my mom is 84 yrs old and I do not want to ruin anyones xmas! OMG I thought I was a sensible reasonable stable person but the stuff I have been doing my 28 yr old DS says I need help.

And I am doing the stupid dumb things I always thought were horrible when women did them.
What is wrong with me? I need you people to help me. I have read everyself help book on the planet and I still cannot handle this this time........well here is my story.

I love my husband........I always have. we had a 29 year relationship in which we were married three times. the reason because of his emotional and verbal abuse and 3 beatings.
He hadnt beat me for 23 years, This last time we got married 10 years ago were not too bad especially the last 3. I thought things were going so much better and I sighed a sigh of relief that perhaps we could now be somewhat happy and grow old together.

My son is 28 he was born shortly after we got married the first time. well a few months before that he was having an affair with a married woman.......when her husband came home from military duty she went back to him but she was pregnant with my husbands child.
They say they tried to get ahold of each other for years but to no avail. My husbands daughter is now 29 or 30
now all these years later, in November my husband said he was ready to find his daughter
I said that is so wonderful!! he says he found the mother on the internet and that she would be calling. they talked some and she sent him pictures of her and her babies and I was excited to have a step daughter and step grandkids!! and happy for him. BUT the mother has still never told her daughter that the man who acted as her father is not really her dad.
well without going into all the details.........the couple phone calls I figured this would involve have turned into hours and hours of emails and phone calls! I dont think my husband has ever even talked to me that much in 28 years~~! I questioned him and he said well they just had alot in common. I told him that was not acceptable. that if we had to we could find his daughter and tell her ourselves. He said no that is up to the mother .........so I log onto our verizon account and see the many hours they chat. good grief she has a husband ........
He says he loves her very much and that he has never loved a woman like her in all his life. he said he was sorry but he enjoyed talking to her so much he just couldnt help himself and they did indeed still love each other. I said how in the h#@! can you love an adulterous woman like that who has lied to her daugher for 30yrs? She told him the are very good christian people. WHAT> ? I wont say the religion cause that could offend someone but I am so shocked. how can he think she is so godly special when she is an adulterous and a cheat and a liar and a hyocrite?
I said what do you mean? she is married. she has always been married and you only knew her six months!! I am shocked and hurt..........so shocked. I dont understand at all.
I said well what do you plan to do? and he said well dont worry.........she will never leave her husband...........(I mean this woman is spose to be a godly woman) but she can spend all these hours of talking and emailing and all this intimacy?
so I guess he must have meant dont worry as he can probably never have her though he wants her. he says she is the most special woman in the world.
I am guessing he planned on continuing this love affair over the phone n email or perhaps to get with her and stay married to me. I told him this would not work that it was heracy!
so he said ok we will get a divorce.
myself and my kids think this man has lost his mind. I have never caught him for sure committing adultery. My daughter is in shock cause he always made the kids think I was the one with faults and he could do no wrong. I think they are so angry with him too because I can take this one minute and the next I am a blubbering idiot. I have threatened to hack into his email, threatened to have his cell shut off....its in my name. well that wont work we all five are on it and he said go ahead I will stop paying the bill.
I make extra money and he is the breadwinner. he will be booming out to another job soon and says he will stay here and pay the bills until time to leave and then pay the bills till the end of march so I can get some savings ahead. I will keep the house its just a small house that I have worked very hard to try and doll up. I also talked him into giving me 1/3 of his retirement and $200 a month unless I marry. I guess ...is that the way that works.? he will keep all his belongings, vehicles, 401 ks, IRA's and money from the sale of his dads farm.
I think with the 200 a month I can survive as my mortgage is 540 a month so putting that against will be 340. that I will only have to make enough to pay the utilities, maybe eat? dog food, cable, internet, insurance and etc,
I have not felt well this last year but before that I was making around $1,000 a month.
yes I am scared. I work for myself but at min wage, I have no marketable skills , I would bring home even less. min wage in this state is like 5.50 an hour I think.
well .........I have threatened to call her, call her husband, I follow him to see if he is going to call her, I cry I yell, I threaten, look pitiful then am fine for a while.......the bang its back. I have completely lost it. I am already on wellbutrin have been for years.
I just cant accept this and let it go. There were times I had wished he would find someone so I didnt have to hurt him and tell him I wanted a divorce. because he was the emotional and verbal abuser and hurt me so every day. I read the book Verbal Abusers Speak out. I have highlighted every thing in there! he fits the abuser to a T. anyway now I finally thought he had changed and we could be a little happy together that all was well! In fact before I knew of his disgusting dying love for her he all the sudden turned a new leaf. he even hugged my mom and other people and treated me like gold. we all thought maybe he had found out he was dying or something so was now going to be nice? I relished in it.! at the same time worrying about him. he had some Dr visits n tests around that time. I decide he had come to terms with How To Be Nice To Others. but
the BANG the bottom fell out of that one. He was happy cause this horrible married woman far away was talking to him? oh get real!I told him he is in love with a fantasy they didnt even know each other. He says he cant help it She is all he ever wanted in a woman.and is soooo special. I even had sex with him the other night thinking well this may be my last and Ihope she can hear us!
I just have to get ahold of myself. My daughter says I deserve so much more.
another thing while he was on the cell with her tonight I called repeatedly so the little beep that comes in would irritate him. I did this for like an hour. I was pretty angry that he didnt take my first call in...........I told him WHAT if the kids had just gotten in a terrible car wreck and he would rather keep talking to this woman than know ???
what is wrong with this man?I told him when he goes to the next job and if the kids get hurt I am not even going to try and call him. why should I have to push redial for more than an hour ??
oh I am just soooo angry!! He has an appt with the attorney on the 29th. I told him before I will sign them it better explain that is 10 year marriage was after 20 previous years as I dont want the judge to say I dont deserve the alimony and retirement.
I just wont sign them unless it says enough to ease my fears.
I so wish I wasnt going through this .....I have xmas gifts to finish making and I am so obessed with this hurt and betrayal and fear of the unknown. I appreciate anyone who can share their stories and give advice. other than counseling as I dont have th emoney and as I said I have read every self help book they have ever printed I think!!!!
My husband has always stood tall for being the leader of the family and having or so he said VALUES! while he made me look like a jerk to my children with his criticsm and hate toward me. always belittling me and making fun of my music, my talents my hobbies, my ability to earn money? was always a joke to him.
I just do not understand why I am taking this so hard!!

Edited 12/21/2006 4:08 am ET by dollyfrocks




Edited 12/24/2006 4:06 am ET by dollyfrocks
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 9:48pm

Dolly:

You sound like me. You are fine for awhile and then you weaken and start thinking about the way things use to be. Don't be too hard yourself kiddo, until you have lived it you can never know the pain. I can relate.

I am wondering what he would do if you would stick to your guns, not give in, not have sex and then see where it goes. I am still confused, is she planning on leaving her husband? If not, then what the hell is your husband hanging onto? Sounds to me like he will be back with his tail between his legs before you know it. You know I do not believe in hurting people, but I swear I would contact her husband and let him know what is going on. I mean, he could be the male version of you, going along thinking everything is honky dory all the while being cheated on and betrayed.

What is going on in this world? I just do not know. You know you think when you are married to someone as long as we are that the happily ever after is now. Then you wake up one day and hold smokes you realize that you have been played for a fool. I often look as my husband and wonder what is really going on in that head of his; not the little one but the big one ha ha!!!. You wonder how does someone at the age of 67 justify all of the pain that they are causing the mother of the children or the wife that they promised to cherish over all others. In my case, I truly believe that the recent chain of events are just his inability to accept the fact that he is old. When I read the emails he sent to these women he lied about his age in everyone. Additionally he chose women who he thought were lonely and deparate. Yuk, not for them, but for him.....My heart really goes out to the women.

In any event please know that I am here and that my prayers and thoughts are with you. I am hoping that 2007 will be a year of new beginnings. A year when you find yourself and realize what a super person you are and what a lovely spirit you have. I too am now 57 and I know that quite frankly I am beginning to wonder if I am over the hill, if I am too old. Why do we do that to ourselves??????

Kathleen

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 12:33am

Dolly,

A friend of mine has a sister who couldn't afford an atty and she made sure she documented everything and when it came time to go before a judge, she presented her case and was awarded half of his retirement and a decent amount of child support! She did better than I have done so far and I have an attorney! Maybe I should fire my worthless atty and have my friend's sister go to court with me on 3/13 for my final hearing. Do NOT sign away for only a fraction of his retirement. You deserve so much more. Belinda

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 1:09am
Hi Kathleen........thanks for your reply. I have no idea what THEIR plans are. If I ask him he says its none of my business. He says he was planning on asking for divorce anyway even if he doesnt get with her.
I too feel sorry for her husband. But I also am not sure what he may do. As angry as I am at my husband I dont want anyone to get hurt physically. What would he think? His wife had my husbands child early in their marriage.....he raises the girl and now her and my stbx are talking love again?
I would be worried that he may hurt someone physically.
This whole thing wreaks of scum and stupidity.
I wonder too what can my STBX be thinking or yours when they see the pain they have caused and for what? I can tell when I cry and when I wake up crying and go to sleep crying that he feels bad. I am having much longer periods of acceptance and getting my self esteem back.
I dont think I want him if he ask to come back. not now. Our marriage was lonely anyway cause he never did things with me. NONE. If he would go somewhere like an auction or something he says I will slow him down. or treasure hunting. I like to do that but I have to beg to go as I may slow him down. NO .......in the long run I am so much better off out of this marriage. Of course that doesnt stop my pain and feelings of abandonment.
I think this is on top of years and years of rejection and being alone that is why its so bad maybe. I always had hope and now there is no hope left.
I too think that this affair is also about not only wanting her to tell their daughter that he is her father but also the fact that after spending all these years with this man I was able to point out his dysfunction of being an emotionally and verbal abuser . He cant hide his real self from me. He says she always praises him and finds no fault.
LOL Duh.........she knew him for six months. LOL and that was almost 30 years ago !
I think they are nuts ......both of them.
And I dont want him to come back even if its with his tail between his legs. LOL thats funny hehe
Why should I ? He has ripped my heart out.............I dont want it again. I dont want to take a chance. I dont want the daily feelings of rejection this man dished out.
What is going on in this world? I have decided that for many people especially men that the marriage vows are meaningless. I think too that there is so much adultery and stuff on tv and the porn etc that men think that they are welcome to frisk around, hurt their wives. They think it is their right.
I doubt I will ever get married again . for one thing I would have to give up the higher ss security benefits I will get.
I would love to read their emails. he changed his personal info on his email so I cant get a new password. I could get that program think it s spybot or something that records key strokes and get his password but you know I would just be adding salt to my wounds. He has gone too far and I do not want to stay in a relationship with him.
The pain will still be there cause my heart was broken and I was deceived and I have lost the dream of us living happily ever after which wasnt happening anyway.
but I will heal. and you will too.
The sex was just a weak moment and nothing to do with wanting him back. He is safe I believe and well after 28 years it will be quite a change for that to go away. Of course I know it was a big no no.
so in a nutshell yes I am hurt, destroyed, devastated but would never take him back. never!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 1:20am
HI Belinda!! thanks for the thoughts on this. Well I could fight it maybe but .........then I would probably have to pay the second mortgage instead of him. or we may have to sell the house and split the equity. and I dont want that. If things go the way they are spose to I will be ok with it. I wont ever be able to buy a house maybe and if he pays this seconc mortgage then I get all the equity in the house and he has to pay the second and satisfy that loan.
From what I have gathered this divorce if uncontested will only go before the judges desk to make sure all the t's are crossed and to make sure the defendant (me) is not getting taken.
However........I am going to make sure their is no physical court hearing. if there is I will show up. I wont know what in the heck I am doing but they can just lead me on as to what I need to do. ie they can help me. with asking questions etc. like when to speak etc.
and if he and his attorney do go to court I will be there to stand up for myself.
My health is not as good as his. and the retirement I am getting will be taken back ie no one will get it when I die. not even him. .........and if I die before him that could hurt the kids as he would have less money and could become a partial burden on them or either that or he wouldnt be able to help them if they need help and he will if he has it.
So there are so many complicating factors here. I do thank you for your help. as I said I need to make sure that he and his attorney dont go to court as maybe they could say hey we changed our mind and do not want to do this or that. But I dont think so as it is alot cheaper for him now to be left the way it is. ie if I have to contest it and the attorney go to court he starts charging my the hour and my STBX is quite frugal.
I will call around and ask maybeeven the court house how I will know if there is hearing or if he goes to court.
oh hate all this. good grief!! such stress!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 11:48am

Dolly:

Your ability to still care about the welfare of this man is indicative of the caring person you truly are. Unfortunately for him he will realize what a winner he had when it is too late.

I sincerely hope that 'they' are not planning on telling the child now. How totally selfish of them if they do. Do they not care about what is best for her or are they simply trying to fill their needs yet again. The me, me, me syndrome. Their 1st priority should be her. I am no psychologist but I can only imagine the devastating effect this news would have on her.

What your husband and the other woman need to realize is that it takes more than sperm to be a father. The child may end up hating both her mom and your husband for the betrayal.
Again, they need to do what is best for this young person, keep their mouths shut.

I am sure they are fantasizing about being this happy little family. Not taking time to really look at the truth of the situation, a foundation built on lies, deceit, and betrayal will NOT stand the test of time.

Dolly, it sounds as if you are trying to believe what your inner self is telling you. You are all of that and a bag of chips. You do deserve so much more. You can give yourself all of the love that you need; you truly do not need him to weigh you down.

Keep telling yourself all of those positive messages and before long you will really know that they are all true.

Kathleen

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 12:36pm

Well I think they messed up by not telling her when she was young. I think a child should always know who her real parents are ........so we may differ a little there. My stbx is trying to get the woman to tell her. Another thing to think about this "child" is around 29 years old. and has 3 children . Also the daughters husband is black so the children ( my stbx's grandchildren are bi racial and my stbx is racist. (I am in no way like that by the way) and he told the mother that he wasnt sure how hard it would be to accept this. OMG
I think they are both pathetic. my stbx and OW.
also you mentioned that this new little family has a foundation built on lies. I know. but you know my stbx said one reason he never really loved me is the way we started out. He said we got off on the wrong foot. I was 8 months pregnant with our son when we married. that is all. I said
" WHAT? and you think this new relationship is built in heaven? c mon. I am saying you and her have started on not only the wrong foot but a disgusting dysfunctional cruel start that is filled with deceit. You had a 6 month affair almost 30 years ago with a married woman , she conceived your daughter, her husband raised her and the mother never told her that this man was not her father. Now after all these years you are starting your romance again while she is still married to this man. "

And he says WE started off on the wrong foot. I told him NO they were on the wrong foot then and now.
well someone not sure who could have been you said this man may come back with his tail between his legs. NO WAY! I dont care how hurt I am. I do realise that I was never treated well and I do know that the traumatic bond with the verbal and emotional abuse is strong because of the trauma. Yes he has ripped my heart out but NO way will I ever take him back. after all those years of belittlement and criticism ....now he has done this and told me how wonderfully special she is and how he loves her more than he ever could have me. He says they have alot in common and when I ask him he couldnt think of anything. OMG an added thing as evil as this woman is and what she has done to her husband and daughter and now to our marriage, she is very very active in her church. I am just appalled.
I am thankful for all of you . I am so glad I can come here and vent my feelings out.
Dont worry I am one who will search till I find the right healing statements, the support and the books etc to heal and become a whole person again.
I do now understand why I stayed loving this man so long and why this is all killing me right now and that is the first step to healing is understanding why we feel the way we do and what is causing it and how to rise above it.~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 6:00pm

Dolly:

I agree with you 100% about a child needing to know where they come from. The daughter is no longer a child she is a grown woman. What good would it do now to tell her. To enrage the man who raised her, to make them feel good about their "love" (give me a break). If the other woman thinks that by telling her that she will embrace her new found sperm donor she is dead wrong. What it might do is get her in a whole lot of trouble with her husband, possibly physical trouble (not that I condone that). But, he might just loose it and go postal or something (as you stated in an earlier posting). Your soon to be x had better take that into consideration before he goes and announces "Here's daddy"!!!!!

Trust me Dolly, I don't know how long it is going to take but sooner or later your soon to be x is going to wake up one morning and say out loud "What the hell have I done?"

You mention that she is this sanctimonious church going person. Isn't there enough hypocrisy in the world without people like her going around as if they are as pure as a fresh snow fall? I could see if it she was truly sorry for what happened in the past, but heck she is starting it all over again; and all the while acting like a God fearing person. I hope she remembers that God hates sin, not the sinner but sin; and what she is doing is sinful.

Dolly, it is reprehensible that your husband talks to you that way. Hell, there must have been something there or why did he come back 3x!!!!

Keep posting, keep letting it out. Keep reminding yourself that you deserve the best, and honey he aint it.

Keep smiling!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Avatar for jerbear18
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 9:54pm

Dolly, Please make sure that your name is removed from the second and his is removed from the first legally. So if in the event he fails to pay on the second they don't come after you and if in the future something happens to you he doesn't retain the property and your kids lose out.

Just food for thought, my sister is still trying to get her EX to allow her to be removed from a lean against my Great grandparents house they ended up with after the marriage and he ended up with after the divorce.

Jer

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 12:09am
Well he said that her husband has known from the beginning. remember he was in the service when she conceived and then went with him . with the dates he did know she wasnt his.
I am thinking one reason people need to know their biological history is for medical reasons. you know medical history of the biological parent and ancestors.
I am staying out of it though. They can do what they want. I am done.
Well he says he stayed with me for the kids but I am thinking since we had a good sex life that yes there was plenty there but he is an emotional abuser so that is his game to make me seem like less of a person. and now I am really less. this other woman is his dream. So be it. sometimes I think that he is enjoying seeing me in all this pain.
I got a laugh out of your last statement "He aint it"
you know I think I agree with you.
I am thinking that yes he will wake up and say "what have I done". I am a good cook, I am a creative genius so they say, I keep a fairly clean house although they say and its true creative people are messy LOL. My kids say I am attractive compared to others mothers. I have always been told I have a beautiful smile. This woman smiles with one side of her face up and it doesnt really look like a smile........its more of a snarl .......oh I am being so mean but I am so angry with them.
I hope she gets old fast, I hope their sex life is crappy, I hope he finds she is at church so much that she neglects him. well I hope alot of things. I woke up this morning thinking you know....he did not treat me well all those years. he did pay bills and was supportive that way. but the emotional abuse.......was bad. I was always having my feelings hurt. anyway I woke up and thought you know I gave almost 30 yrs of my life to him and one reason was so he and the kids could be together. She got pregnant and left to go back to her husband. AND she lied to her own daughter for 29 years? what is this? I would say she is evil disguised in sheeps clothing. well I am ranting again lol
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 12:25am
I will get a will made up so that my son by another marriage gets his third of any equity in the house. With the Quit Claim the house will go to my kids. they can either rent it out or sell it. I would love to get our names off these mortgages but he will file a quit claim.
I dont have enough work history to qualify. but the quit claim is valid. If he doesnt pay the second then I will have to try and pay it but he is not the type to go against a court order. Remember he has the world thinking he is Mr Wonderful while he abused me all those years verbally and emotionally. He knows I would shout it to the world. I dont know why I dont tell more people about this nasty affair of his. but I feel it will lower me to scum like them. I have told my family members. they do have a right to know. I waited till after xmas to tell them. I have not of course told his family members. He and the OW will get their Karma.
thanks for the help and advice.
oh actually we had filed bankruptcy like 2 years ago and did not reaffirm on the house so the two mortgages .........they cannot collect. they could foreclose but as long as we pay on the house they cant take it. in the event thing all fall apart and I lose it they cannot come after me for the difference of auction price and what is owed.
If I do get my income up for a year or so and offer to reaffirm on the first maybe they will fincance me.
I think it will all work out. though I may want to sell it and start all over one of these days. but I just painted my living room and put border up and I laid the kitchen floor lol all by myself hehe
That is too bad about your sister. I am probably sort of in the same boat ....he is spose to satisfy that second mortgage. he can make the payment but paying it off is another game. he doesnt have that much. well he does but he wont spend it .........and it would make him broke.
For now I just have to lay low. I work at home and do alot of art and crafts and I could not live in an apartment. no way. I run machinery and work at night alot LOL
I dont think he can retain the property if die. I will give my son by another marriage a copy of the quit claim deed. and also these kids. he gives everything to his kids so I am sure they wont get left out. but then as they say.........another woman comes into the picture and you just dont know.