I am soooo full of rage!!! Long Post!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
I am soooo full of rage!!! Long Post!
47
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 4:01am

I am so full of rage at my DH and the OW!~ I am trying to make xmas gifts and I cant even function. I have been lurking but I just have got to talk to someone! I have been leaning on my 24 yo DD and all it did was make her hate her dad. I just wish now I had not told her but it is so very hard to suffer alone. I cant tell my mom n sister as my mom is 84 yrs old and I do not want to ruin anyones xmas! OMG I thought I was a sensible reasonable stable person but the stuff I have been doing my 28 yr old DS says I need help.

And I am doing the stupid dumb things I always thought were horrible when women did them.
What is wrong with me? I need you people to help me. I have read everyself help book on the planet and I still cannot handle this this time........well here is my story.

I love my husband........I always have. we had a 29 year relationship in which we were married three times. the reason because of his emotional and verbal abuse and 3 beatings.
He hadnt beat me for 23 years, This last time we got married 10 years ago were not too bad especially the last 3. I thought things were going so much better and I sighed a sigh of relief that perhaps we could now be somewhat happy and grow old together.

My son is 28 he was born shortly after we got married the first time. well a few months before that he was having an affair with a married woman.......when her husband came home from military duty she went back to him but she was pregnant with my husbands child.
They say they tried to get ahold of each other for years but to no avail. My husbands daughter is now 29 or 30
now all these years later, in November my husband said he was ready to find his daughter
I said that is so wonderful!! he says he found the mother on the internet and that she would be calling. they talked some and she sent him pictures of her and her babies and I was excited to have a step daughter and step grandkids!! and happy for him. BUT the mother has still never told her daughter that the man who acted as her father is not really her dad.
well without going into all the details.........the couple phone calls I figured this would involve have turned into hours and hours of emails and phone calls! I dont think my husband has ever even talked to me that much in 28 years~~! I questioned him and he said well they just had alot in common. I told him that was not acceptable. that if we had to we could find his daughter and tell her ourselves. He said no that is up to the mother .........so I log onto our verizon account and see the many hours they chat. good grief she has a husband ........
He says he loves her very much and that he has never loved a woman like her in all his life. he said he was sorry but he enjoyed talking to her so much he just couldnt help himself and they did indeed still love each other. I said how in the h#@! can you love an adulterous woman like that who has lied to her daugher for 30yrs? She told him the are very good christian people. WHAT> ? I wont say the religion cause that could offend someone but I am so shocked. how can he think she is so godly special when she is an adulterous and a cheat and a liar and a hyocrite?
I said what do you mean? she is married. she has always been married and you only knew her six months!! I am shocked and hurt..........so shocked. I dont understand at all.
I said well what do you plan to do? and he said well dont worry.........she will never leave her husband...........(I mean this woman is spose to be a godly woman) but she can spend all these hours of talking and emailing and all this intimacy?
so I guess he must have meant dont worry as he can probably never have her though he wants her. he says she is the most special woman in the world.
I am guessing he planned on continuing this love affair over the phone n email or perhaps to get with her and stay married to me. I told him this would not work that it was heracy!
so he said ok we will get a divorce.
myself and my kids think this man has lost his mind. I have never caught him for sure committing adultery. My daughter is in shock cause he always made the kids think I was the one with faults and he could do no wrong. I think they are so angry with him too because I can take this one minute and the next I am a blubbering idiot. I have threatened to hack into his email, threatened to have his cell shut off....its in my name. well that wont work we all five are on it and he said go ahead I will stop paying the bill.
I make extra money and he is the breadwinner. he will be booming out to another job soon and says he will stay here and pay the bills until time to leave and then pay the bills till the end of march so I can get some savings ahead. I will keep the house its just a small house that I have worked very hard to try and doll up. I also talked him into giving me 1/3 of his retirement and $200 a month unless I marry. I guess ...is that the way that works.? he will keep all his belongings, vehicles, 401 ks, IRA's and money from the sale of his dads farm.
I think with the 200 a month I can survive as my mortgage is 540 a month so putting that against will be 340. that I will only have to make enough to pay the utilities, maybe eat? dog food, cable, internet, insurance and etc,
I have not felt well this last year but before that I was making around $1,000 a month.
yes I am scared. I work for myself but at min wage, I have no marketable skills , I would bring home even less. min wage in this state is like 5.50 an hour I think.
well .........I have threatened to call her, call her husband, I follow him to see if he is going to call her, I cry I yell, I threaten, look pitiful then am fine for a while.......the bang its back. I have completely lost it. I am already on wellbutrin have been for years.
I just cant accept this and let it go. There were times I had wished he would find someone so I didnt have to hurt him and tell him I wanted a divorce. because he was the emotional and verbal abuser and hurt me so every day. I read the book Verbal Abusers Speak out. I have highlighted every thing in there! he fits the abuser to a T. anyway now I finally thought he had changed and we could be a little happy together that all was well! In fact before I knew of his disgusting dying love for her he all the sudden turned a new leaf. he even hugged my mom and other people and treated me like gold. we all thought maybe he had found out he was dying or something so was now going to be nice? I relished in it.! at the same time worrying about him. he had some Dr visits n tests around that time. I decide he had come to terms with How To Be Nice To Others. but
the BANG the bottom fell out of that one. He was happy cause this horrible married woman far away was talking to him? oh get real!I told him he is in love with a fantasy they didnt even know each other. He says he cant help it She is all he ever wanted in a woman.and is soooo special. I even had sex with him the other night thinking well this may be my last and Ihope she can hear us!
I just have to get ahold of myself. My daughter says I deserve so much more.
another thing while he was on the cell with her tonight I called repeatedly so the little beep that comes in would irritate him. I did this for like an hour. I was pretty angry that he didnt take my first call in...........I told him WHAT if the kids had just gotten in a terrible car wreck and he would rather keep talking to this woman than know ???
what is wrong with this man?I told him when he goes to the next job and if the kids get hurt I am not even going to try and call him. why should I have to push redial for more than an hour ??
oh I am just soooo angry!! He has an appt with the attorney on the 29th. I told him before I will sign them it better explain that is 10 year marriage was after 20 previous years as I dont want the judge to say I dont deserve the alimony and retirement.
I just wont sign them unless it says enough to ease my fears.
I so wish I wasnt going through this .....I have xmas gifts to finish making and I am so obessed with this hurt and betrayal and fear of the unknown. I appreciate anyone who can share their stories and give advice. other than counseling as I dont have th emoney and as I said I have read every self help book they have ever printed I think!!!!
My husband has always stood tall for being the leader of the family and having or so he said VALUES! while he made me look like a jerk to my children with his criticsm and hate toward me. always belittling me and making fun of my music, my talents my hobbies, my ability to earn money? was always a joke to him.
I just do not understand why I am taking this so hard!!

Edited 12/21/2006 4:08 am ET by dollyfrocks




Edited 12/24/2006 4:06 am ET by dollyfrocks

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 8:23pm

Dolly:

I had misunderstood. I thought she had lied to her 'real/present/poor' husband and told him that her daughter was their daughter.

You know I read your postings and your emotions are sooo much like mine. One minute you are down, the next you realize the truth about your relationship and understand while if you had your druthers you would not have picked this way to end it you still realize that you deserve so much more. You know kiddo, it sounds to me that you are really beginning to heal. I am sure you still have your bad days but overall you are making so much sense. Even when you talk about her crooked smile. I was wondering while I was reading what her fellow parishoners would think of her Christian like actions? her deceit, her hurtful on line liasons with your husband.

Believe me Dolly if all of this does come out she is going to rue the day it does.

Keep believing in Dolly and keep smiling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 5:02am
No well my stbx said that her husband had been told well she was obviously conceived while he was away in the service.
I too agree that her well I call it adultery when they are romancing ........they slept together 6 months 29 years ago, and they are talking about getting back together and they talked like 16 hours on the cell phone last month plus all the daily emails.....I would call that adultery. and of course he tells me he loves her sooo much and she him. that is adultery ........and it ripped my heart out .......but anyway that is something her bishop, her husband, her kids and her church going friends should know about. But I am not telling simply cause I dont know what he would do to me. And I need him to adhere to the stats of our divorce papers ie pay the second mortgage etc. I dont know what he thinks will happen if her husband finds out. pretty risky if you ask me. and all her husband has to do is hack into her emails and look at the cell phone stats online. But he will have to deal with his own little demons. her too she can deal with her own little demons. She doesnt want to divorce her husband anytime soon my stbx said ........so she is deliberately deceiving her H and her family and her church friends.
Honestly we were getting along so much better the last few years and I thought that we would finally grow old together. yes he was verbally and emotionally abusive, no beatings since around 1983. we were getting along better though and thought we were mellowing out together then SHE came into the picture, full boar!! she calls him all the time. I am thinking she is needy little thing isnt she? He will get tired of THAT real fast you just watch!
I read so much about new relationships with people my age who knows. maybe I will meet a kind caring deovted man. But I know after the treatment this man gave me I have alot of baggage to heal. I plan to concentrate on that healing. I plan to concentrate on being my best SELF.......the person I was meant to be not this abused sad woman.
The last couple days I have hardley talked to him. I just pretend he is this ghost shadow walking though my house that will be gone for good the end of February.
He always thought our sex life was great I just wonder if he will get a big sad surprise when he gets with her again. I havent slept with him again and plan not too. It just adds more salt to my wounds.
He looks at me strange like he cant figure out why I stopped the ranting and the crying.
If I do get with another man someday he will be someone who likes to do things with me, is respectful to my family, takes me places with him. I hope I dont get another man so into the internet porn. I am not a fuddy duddy but when a man spends so little time on his relationship and sits for hours looking at porn ....its just disgusting.
thanks for letting me vent! I am soooo much better each day and I will be sooooooo glad when he leaves here for good. We use to break up and stay in constant contact with each other. no more. I dont want to ever talk to him again. He is history. and my life is just beginning! I think this OW thing and knowing all about it helps you get free easier dont you? His kids are soooo ashamed of him. He could have had enough respect to discuss divorce first with me .......then divorce , THEN go after her. He says he is sorry but he couldnt help it? OMG he is 56 years old and he couldnt help it? LOL
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 7:08pm

Dolly:

Yours is 56 mine is 67 soon to be 68. His number one priority is his penis. He takes a pill that works like Viagra. What makes me laugh is that he has to pay for them. He is very tight with his money so it somewhat makes me chuckle that he has to pay to keep his dick hard. I know I am mean as hell, but quite franly I am tired of being nice.

This am I brought up that I had spoken to someone at my daughters basketball game last evening who shared with me that their daughter was going to San Francisco State in the fall.

My husband then began telling me this story, and as I lay in bed I became numb.

"Do you remember when I went to San Franiciso to sell Shirley's house. Well while at the airport I saw this woman Sonia, she use to work at Alpha Beta, she ha big eyes. Anyway she was with a young woman. On the way to Frisco I happened to sit next to her ( the girl ) and told her I remembered her mom from Alpha Beta, where she was a checker. When we got to San Francisco the tram took her to the campus first, and I remember how beautiful the campus was".

After listening to this story I asked him to tell me the first name of one of the girls mother that we interact with all of the time. He could not. Eventhough we have been interacting with her for the last 4 years. Right!!!!!!

I further mentioned that I thought it was ironic that he could remember the name of a woman who was a checker at our local grocery store 28 years ago. Additionally, he rented a car and did not need a tram to take him where he was staying. While playing the conversation over again in my head I realized that not only the girl had gone to Frisco but so had the mom.

Additionally I remember that I had seen the name Sonia written down by him with a phone number. For all I know I may still have it.

Will this ever end? I know what you are thinking, No not until you are ready to put it and him behind you.

I hope you are doing well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 10:03pm

I just cannot believe how fickle some men are. It looks to me like they have no brains only a penis.
I know they cant all be that way cause I have seen lots of couples where they are close and loyal to each other.
Reminds me of a guy I went with long ago. If we like were watching tv or he was showing me pictures of his nieces etc he would say things like Now that one is the pretty one. Or isnt she pretty?
didnt matter what the situation that is the first thing he saw was which woman or girl was the prettiest! even his family members .........I thought now this guy is sick.
Needless to say I thought this a very poor example of a human being LOL

I also think with the internet and the cell phones we have today it makes it so easy for a man to start cheating. Ha my stbx and the OW are both on verizon so they talk free all the time. The cell phone is in my name. I could have his shut off but he is paying the bill. I thought about seeing if I can get her number blocked but if my stbx found out he would be angry and could retaliate. I could say oh honey I dont know what happened? maybe her husband did it LOL I really hope her husband catches her. This active church going woman is taking a cub scout group to England in June and she is telling MY husband over the phone. that she will give him sex anytime he wants. This is the kind of people we are letting be involved with our kids?
well sorry I got to ranting again LOL
I would like to call her and say leave my husband alone. even when we get our divorce we live in a common law state so as long as he is in my house we are common law married.
He would hate me forever though if I soiled his little dream puke.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 8:27pm

Dolly:

When you wrote the part about the other woman shapperoning a High School trip to England in June, I thought, how interesteing. My daughter is going on one of those trips in March.

Interesting point, you never really know a person do you? I mean look at us at this point in our life you would think we would both be settled down in a pretty comfortable marriage. Hard to believe.

I agree with you though all of this modern technology has made it so much easier for people who want to cheat to do just that. Not to mention the Viagras. As I mentioned my husband is 67 soon to be 68 it is hard to believe that he was willing to jeopardize his legacy with his children over -ussy.

Yesterday he told me being married to me is like being to married to a zombie. I am sure he is referring to the sex. So often I just zone out. I get to thinking of what he did with them and I just zone out.

I know I am beginning to sound like a broken record, but I can not help it, or maybe I can and somewhere deep inside I just don't want to. Maybe I am enjoying all of this self pity.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Wed, 01-17-2007 - 6:17pm
Well no this is a trip for their churchs cub scout group. June to England. I think its actually cub scouts but they do their own at this particular church. It is just like the catholic priests abusing kids. we just cannot trust what kind of people are affecting our children.
I dont know when the self pity ends. I thought I was fine then yesterday I came so unglued.
supposedly enough that they are going to stop contact pretty much ? until she gets divorce? at least that is what he says. I did call her and didnt say anything. If I had I am afraid I would have been thrown in jail for harrassment LOL Then I called her back and said politely. YOU NEED TO STAY AWAY FROM MY HUSBAND. and she knew who it was. as my number is the next two up from his and of course my name shows up.
I cant believe all this is happening. well I mean its happened. I havent had the easiest life in general and this is the worst nightmare I have ever gone through and they havent even had sex again yet I dont think. it was the fact he said he loved her, the over 16 hours on the phone plus the emails and he filed for divorce. She told him she loved him, they talked about sex , he told her he loved her, she asked him if he could "get it up" and they talked about marriage.
good grief. that is adultery I dont care what anyone says.
As I said I would tell her husband but my stbx said he may beat her to death. yikes. so what if I told him and the guy came here and went postal and shot us all or something.
its best that I let karma take care of all of this for my safety and the safety of my family.
I guess her husband has had two heart attacks so spose they will get together soon as he dies. If she only knew that my stbx Detests the people of this particular church. and she said she would never quit going to that church. He also cannot stand fat women but he said she said she was heavy. ha spose she has 1 1/2 years to lose weight. I told him stbx oh she will lose weight then after you marry her she will get fat again.
I am on a diet too but I started this diet before she came into the picture.
My stbx DOES NOT need pills. He is 56. he probably could benefit with a testosterone reduction pill ..........
we had a good sex life. I thought that was really important to him.
wow I am sure venting today too arent I?
I even decided if they get married someday I will seduce my X to get back at her. I could get him in bed in a NY minute.
My stbx was mad cause he only got sex once a week. well our adult son is here and the house is small. so I would wait till he left. it has been so hard. And even though I still enjoy sex with him I know what you mean about spacing out. There was lots of times I really didnt want him to touch me. and it was because of verbal and emotional abuse so what your X told you just ignore it. You should have told him HE makes you a zombie.
Tell him ALL men do not need pills.
keep venting. heck these thoughts have to go somewhere. lol
I agree we should be settle for life. We have spent all these years with these men and BINGO!! we are thrown out with the dishwater!!
hang in there and chat with you soon!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 11:27pm
I am bumping this up so justmyfriends can read my story. thanks

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