I am told I need a psychiatrist
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| Wed, 01-17-2007 - 9:39am |
STBX, who I affectionately refer to as the Black Cloud, called my dad last evening. He was screaming so loudly that he lost his voice. He was essentially trying to find out what is wrong with me that I won't take him back. He doesn't believe for a minute that I was ever unhappy or that he treated me badly. Nevermind that I told him 18 months ago that I wanted a divorce. Not my fault he refused to go to counseling with me.
It's always been me that had the problem. I'd sought help to find out what was wrong with me in the past. After all, BC was perfectly reasonable... his mother could do these things, why couldn't I?
So once he lost his voice he put his mother on the phone to press for more. Finally she says, "Well no matter what she decides, she should go see a doctor to make sure nothing is wrong with her."
Good grief. A woman can't possibly want out of an abusive marriage without being a little nuts.
I told my mother I really need someone to stand up for me. Everyone around me (except his family of course) saw that he treated me badly. Perhaps I need those outside witnesses to convince his family that I'm not nuts. There is no convincing him. He's totally lost it. He scares me. I was hoping I could convince his mother to try to help him get over it. I'm starting to think he needs to be committed to an institution for a little while. I can't believe this is happening. I know divorce isn't supposed to be easy, but I can't believe I'm one of those people who have to fear for her life. I just want to cry. He scares me.

Hugs to you! Your Black Cloud sounds like he is a nutcase!
I don't think your STBX's family will be "convinced" that you are the sane one, and their son is blowing smoke. I've been dealing with a nutty bunch of in-laws for 20 years (alcoholics, drug abusers, enablers, passive-aggressives), and they go to GREAT LENGTHS of denial to convince themselves that their world is sane.... it ISN'T; the way they contradict themselves and make excuses for inexcusable behavior-- it WILL make me crazy if I try to reason with them, so I've stopped even trying, and try to keep my interaction with them to a minimum.
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In your STBX's world, crazy may be their norm. I've tried to teach myself not to expect a sane response from my former in-laws... to anticipate the insane responses. It's not ideal, but it has saved me from making myself nutty thinking that they will magically become non-dysfunctional.
Good luck to you!
In the end, dear, it does not matter one ounce if he sees or not the light. let the black cloud stick over him and his family, and go your merry way!!! Life is too short - and blessed be your family, who is there for you, with love and support (just what you need now!!!).
So, stay carefully away from your STBX, let him blow off steam on the phone, but do not get confrontational yourself. let your lawyer deal with the details, and focus on re-building your life...
I don't know your 'whole' story but so far I can totally relate to everything that it sounds like you are feeling and telling. My X gave me the same 'hell' that yours is giving you. We were going down hill for the last five years of our marriage. We did try counseling after I threatened to leave, my husband being in the Navy accepted a job across the country to try and change the 'scenery' and in his mind trying to 'start' over. That didn't help, when you move so do the problems. He was also abusive to me; more verbally than anything, the physical abuse didn't happen unless he got really out of control angry; but each time we had a big blowout argument the physical part got worse. When he finally left he called me every night for weeks screaming at me and telling me that I ruined his life, asking why I was such a selfish, 'B' and how could I be this way to him, etc, etc. He would call and start out as if he wanted to talk rationally and generously but it almost always would turn around and be an attack on me. I always wanted to prove him wrong, I seemed to hold on to this part of me that really wanted him to see the problems and issues that he imposed upon me and could never seem to do it or make him see.
I didn't mean to make this my story, but I wanted to tell you that you really need to focus all your energy on yourself right now and making yourself happy. To do that, you need to let go the part of you that feels the need to 'make him understand'. I know that it is much, much easier to say than do, but if you try and focus more on you and less on him and 'what he thinks' it will make it easier. These first few months are the hardest part of all; there will be day's when you think it is almost easier just to go back; but believe me, you will be so glad and feel so, so strong that you did not when it is all cut and dried out!! He will move on. It may take him longer than you (and don't feel guilty for that either!) but he will move on. You have no responsibility to show his family or prove to them anything. You are the only one that truly knows what went on in that house! You know how he made you feel and it was probably unhealthy to you and your kids. You don't have to prove to anyone why you need to break away! I too went through a long time of feeling like things weren't 'bad enough' and I always felt like 'his' family or friends couldn't understand why I would want to leave him; they didn't see him do the things to me either. Well, I had to finally accept the fact that I don't 'need' nor do I owe anyone an explanation! The only people I was going to be responsible for was me and my girls.
I hope this helps a bit! It isn't easy and your rode is still long, but hang in there and know that the road will smooth out and you will be a much stronger person after all of this!
Thank you for your story. You do seem to understand quite well what I am experiencing.
As much as I wish he would understand, I'm coming to terms with the fact that he never will. He never has and never will admit to being wrong in anything he ever did. Like a schoolyard bully, he felt justified in his actions. That is why I had to leave. Even when I wasn't the target of his bullying, someone else was. And I cannot love someone like that.
Because I put on a happy face... it just wasn't worth fighting for me... no one in his family saw a problem. That's why they think I've lost it. I saw it. My family saw it. My friends saw it. His family... to them... the behavior was normal. His dad did it. His brother does it. Even his younger teenage brother.
She even said to me last night that she puts up with many of the same things... that she understands. I said, "Some people can handle that. I can't." I don't know if I got through to her. But whether I did or not... it doesn't matter does it. They may claim insanity to take the kids. My lawyer tells me that's typical in my situation. He assures me I won't lose the kids. I pray he's right. And I also pray this is over with quickly. I wish he'd (my lawyer) return my message. I'm ready to move on this now.
That is a tactic of abusers, they do whatever they can to make US feel like WE are the crazy ones. Ignore it! YOU are not crazy, HE is.
hope things get better for you. ((HUGS))
"You are the only one that truly knows what went on in that house! You know how he made you feel and it was probably unhealthy to you and your kids. You don't have to prove to anyone why you need to break away! I too went through a long time of feeling like things weren't 'bad enough' and I always felt like 'his' family or friends couldn't understand why I would want to leave him; they didn't see him do the things to me either. Well, I had to finally accept the fact that I don't 'need' nor do I owe anyone an explanation!"
"but I wanted to tell you that you really need to focus all your energy on yourself right now and making yourself happy. To do that, you need to let go the part of you that feels the need to 'make him understand'. I know that it is much, much easier to say than do, but if you try and focus more on you and less on him and 'what he thinks' it will make it easier."
MOM~ Thanks so much for your words! I know it Really helped me alot reading this this morning and prgrl & I have talked a good bit..its just what she needs to hear too! My Story...I have had the sep.& custody papers laying, waiting for my signature since August. Very Very Verbally Abusive H doesnt know anything but that I'm really fed up with "us" being together and he's promised me that it will be World War III and that he will pull out all the punches to get our little girl (4). That fight came shortly after my dad died...and a few days after I was called letting me know the papers were ready to be signed so they could be signed. I still feel the same way I have...for 2 plus years now...however...between my counselor, Ivillage and the book I read Too Good to leave/To Bad To Stay, I am just about as strong as it takes. I'm actually trying to make myself go to the lawyers tomorrow and sign papers. I want my H to know by Valentines Day that we are not going to be together, that I must get a divorce, no matter how bad the fighting, I need to focus on myself! I have basically decided I'd wait till after Christmas and since right before Christmas I've been thinking of a way to let H know that I've decided this is it...I've been trying to talk to him and prove to him why this has to be over but....like most who dont want it...he Doesn't hear me. I walk around the house miserable all the time...while he sits in his chair smiling at me and telling me how beautiful I am. YUCK! If you have anything else I'll be anxiously looking because nothing would make me happier than to actually get the ball rolling tomorrow!
We could have the same in-laws!! This makes so much sense to me, and is something that I may *tactfully* try to point out in our 1st marriage counseling session tomorrow (cross your fingers). Anyway, my husband lives in this same world of denial. And, his mom especially, she actually told me that I should be offering him a "weaning period" from the OW (emotional affair with co-worker). He's convinced that I'm "misinterpreting" and "overreacting" about the situation. Complete denial!
My point is that it's amazing how badly your parents can screw you up without even trying! This might be something that we can work on.
S
I totally sympathize with you... my X MIL blamed her son's alcoholism on an "allergy to alcohol" when he sent me a digusting and threating email and called my mother up in a drunken rage and screamed at her. If you have an "allergy", you avoid that substance that you're allergic to, not drink it in large quantities every day. She also told me that he was allergic to chocolate. He DOES avoid that, because it is a true allergy. At this point, I just feel sorry for them.
What the heck is a "weaning period"? What is up with that?? Does that mean he only sees OW 3 days instead of 4 each week? That is just mind boggling.
Yes! My husband is an alcoholic in recovery (doing really well). So, I can relate to all of the "enabling" behaviors. MIL is also an alcoholic, but in denial (of course). Same thing about living in denial to make your life seem sane? Anyway, when his symptoms first started creeping up in his early teens, she took him to counseling (until they pointed the finger back at her) and then threw him in a rehab several states away (so that she could work on a marriage with his now step-dad; the alcoholic son was just too much for them). Anyway, when he got back in the house they continued to keep a GALLON bottle of Vodka in the freezer at all times! So, supportive. And, when he relapsed he would be grounded.
Yuck! They are just nuts. He knows that, but now he's trying to repair a lot of the damage that they have caused. I really think that you brought up another point (the denial/create your own reality thing) that I haven't thought about.
I partially (largely) blame her for our current problems. I'm really hoping for some resolution tomorrow at the counseling session.
S