I can't believe I'm finally here!
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| Fri, 06-16-2006 - 10:36pm |
Hello all. My name is Susan and I've been spending some time on the "betrayed spouse" support group, but feel it's time to move to this board. Here's my story...
Last August my husband changed like night and day. Everything was "normal" between us, going along like usual. Yes, there was some frustration on both our parts here and there, but nothing really serious, I felt, just typical normal marriage stuff. Then, all the sudden, one day things changed. He became very distant, cold, inattentive. I let it go for a couple weeks then I finally confronted him and asked if anything was wrong. He said, I just don't know how I feel anymore. It was a total shock, but deep down inside I just thought, this is a phase, it will pass. We have everything we ever dreamed of. We just built a new home in a wonderful neighborhood, we have two children a boy who was 3 at the time and a little girl who had just turned 1. Things were going as planned, things were perfect as far as our goals were concerned. Our marriage I thought was good too. Like I said, we had the occasionaly frustrations about kids, time (or lack there of), things like that, but I always considered that normal stuff. We had two small children, I was a stay at home mom for a year and had just started working part time, which I felt would help with some of our money frustrations, but other than that, we were fine. Anyway, like I said, overnight it all changed and it wasn't a phase.
Things continued to go down hill very quickly. He stopped coming home at night, said thing like he just needed some time to get his head together, stuff like that. Things just weren't right. Then, I found out there was a girl at work he had been spending time with. He denied anything was going on with her, that they were just friends, but admitted that he did like her and that he was confused. Well, I stuck it out, did everything I could to try I save our marriage but he just didn't seem willing. Anyway, around February I found out, by him, that he had been sleeping with this woman the whole time. The whole time we were in counseling, the whole time he was telling me he was just confused, the whole time. Even after that, I still tried to be patient, still tried to save our marriage. Was I angry? Yes, but I still had hope for our marriage.
Anyway, as the months went by, he remained the same. Didn't really do anything to get out of our marriage, but didn't do anything to make things work either. He just wanted to continue doing what he wanted to, when he wanted to, but still have his family here when it was convient for him. Finally I said enough was enough and I put the house on the market, saying the sooner it sells, the sooner he can get away from us, he his single self again if that's what he wanted so bad. I wanted that too to an extent, but I think in the back of my mind I wanted this treatment to stop and wanted my husband back and I was hoping that would kick him into action. It didn't. He still remains acting as if he's single but still living with his family. It's not fair to me, it's not fair to the kids, but he doesn't seem to care. Life is about him right now, know one else.
I've cried for months, hoping, praying that this wasn't really happening, but now I've come to the realization that it is. I think he's done too much. It's not necessarily the affair, it's his lack care and concern about his family, it's his selfishness that has been the hardest to live with. Before I would have cried the whole time I wrote this message, but now, not a tear. Does that mean I'm starting to move on? Does that mean I've given up hope. I hate that this is happening, but I can't see us surviving this, especially when he doesn't even say he wants to survive this. I don't even think he's seeing the other girl anymore and he's still not willing to give it a shot (not that I'm really wanting to at this point either), but still that's painful. It makes me feel like our marriage, our family has never meant anything to him. That's hard.
Anyway, just wanted to introduce myself and find out if it's the same for everyone. He says it's nothing I've done. That I'm a wonderful mother, I've been a great wife, he just wants his freedom right now. I didn't know after you got married and had kids that was a choice that you could make so easily.
Susan

Hi Susan -
Your story sounds SO MUCH like mine! We didn't have kids, but my STBX would say things like "My life looks really great... on paper." We had FINALLY bought property, we had a dog, 2 cats, an active social life, and great jobs. But something changed. And it happened when we talked about international adoption. He was so excited about it! In fact, he'd be begging me to have kids for years and I finally said "Okay, I'm ready", but due to fertility problems, we didn't want to put my health at risk and an international adoption seemed the perfect solution. It seemed like we had "normal" frustrations... It's been a month apart now, and I realize that those weren't "normal", but it's taken time to see that more clearly.
Anyway, it sort of happened the same way. He started shutting off to me... and opening up to someone else. In truth, he'd had a habit all through our marriage of inappropriate friendships with women. Now, I'm not jealous, but I do think it's appropriate for spouses to include each other in their opposite gender friendships. Afterall, "those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing", right?
Well, I said I was uncomfortable w/ his reletionship that was forming w/ a co-worker. He had an emotional affair 2 years before that we'd worked through. I saw that one coming too, but I had kept quiet. This time, I didn't. I asked him to leave his reletionship w/ this woman at work only. He refused, saying it was harmless.... then he'd take the dog out at night (on the nights he'd bother coming home before midnight) and what used to take 5 minutes because he couldn't wait to curl up in bed with me started taking 1/2 an hour or longer. With his cell phone. So I checked phone records. There was a number I didn't recognize. I called it from work - it was her cell phone. In fact, at this point, he was working 2 jobs with this woman, going to 1 class with her a week, and now, calling her EVERY NIGHT when I was waiting upstairs. As for the love making, that pretty much ended. Even when I tried to initiate it... I mean, I consider myself pretty good looking and I cooked dinner for him on a night when he was home in my lingerie and an apron... and he barely looked at me.
Now, to this day he SWEARS it wasn't an affair, but it was alienation of affection anyway you try to slice it.
But for 3 months, I did EVERYTHING I could think of. He asked for space, so I gave it.When he did something nice for me, I'd leave a note of appericiation. I'd try to brighten up his day every day, but he seemed inconsolable and I couldn't take him not coming home at night, not answering this phone when I call, etc.
Something changed. In truth, I see it now - he stopped loving me. But he also stopped loving HIMSELF. He started sabotaging all his goals he had said were so important to him.
Anyway - to make a long story short, one night I couldn't take it anymore and sobbed and I think that was when I realized it was over, even though he didn't serve me w/ papers and decide to leave for a few more days. I sobbed and said to him "I love you, but I can't allow you to hurt me anymore." It came from a very pained place in me, and couldn't be more true. To this day it's true. I will always love the boy who got down on his knee with magic in his eyes and said "Sweetheart, will you marry me?" This man he's become I wouldn't even want to be friends with.
Oddly enough... neither do all of his friends! Even this other women, when she found out what happened, backed away from him entirely. Seemed that a lot of people respected him because they saw how much I believed in him. Now that they see that he's a FRAUD, he's reaping what he has sowed.
But I have learned so much from all this! That has helped me through. Maybe categorize what you have learned from this. You sound to be a very strong woman - wether you realize that or not! Like you, my STBX was "confused" and often didn't have his priorities in the right place and didn't draw his strength from me - his family.
If any of this sounds familiar, know that we're here for you and others have been in your shoes!
As for when he left, sure I cried. For a week every night I spent knowing he wasn't coming home at all was terribly difficult. I sobbed more than I have in a long time. But overwhelming all the sorrow was RELIEFE that the nightmare I had been living Feb-May was finally over. Reliefe that I could wake up from that nightmare and move forward.
Much love,
- J.
- J. Darling
Singehttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v244/JDarling/Headshots/Picture001.jpgr, Songwriter, Author for Celebr
My stbx and I lived in our "dream home" we had just built for less than a year before he decided that he just wasn't happy. He's a pilot so there's lots of other options on the road and he wants to take that. In my case, I think he has always had one foot in and one foot out when it comes to this marriage so we never really had a chance. What you are dealing with is very common. I hate to sound like a man basher but they just don't seem to be able to grasp what commitment means and stick out the tough times. I have tons of friends whose husbands are leaving because they just can't handle sharing the wife with the kids. They can't be the center of attention all of the time at home so they look elsewhere for the attention. Like you said, they want what they want when they want it. Mine would be furious with me if he didn't get sex because I was sick or was taking care of sick kids all night. It didn't matter if it was the middle of the day and I had to get stuff ready for a meeting or had things in MY life that needed to be handled. It didn't matter if I was on my period and was cramping and felt awful. If he wanted sex, I should drop everything. (mind you, I still tried to carve out lots of time for it and make it want he said he wanted but he was never happy and I began to feel like a prostitute in my own home. It was like I was having sex for money only instead of money, it was so he would keep a roof over my head.) It was only about him. He wants to have a life that's only about fun. I am still trying to get over the person I thought I married and the life I pictured but I do not miss the person that he is. Oddly enough, he said he wanted a divorce and he did go out and put a contract down on a condo but I am the one that pushed for everything else (the sale of our home, meetings with lawyers and financial advisors etc). I think he would have been happy to just move out so he could do what he wanted without feeling guilty and still remain legally married.
So...I am doing pretty well considering. While I plan to take a year to learn from all of this and get myself together, I do worry that I'll never trust another man and won't be able to enter a relationship in the future. I worry that sex has been made into such a disrespectful act that I won't be able to have it again. I worry that I will just expect my next partner to cheat because I tend to think that most men cheat but some just don't get caught. I talk to many of my married friends and I'd say only about 10% are happy and the rest are dealing with the same narcissism that brought most of us to this board. So then I think, "what's the point?" As you can see, I have some stuff to work on. However, I don't cry much anymore, I don't miss him and I enjoy living in a home without all of the hurt and pressure. It's all a process and journey and I am glad you are here to experience it with us instead of alone!
Susan,
I give you alot a credit. You are moving forward. My husband left months ago and I see cannot stop crying. I never expected my marriage to end. And I did not see it coming. How did you decide to sell the house and not try to stay in it. I cannot decide which would be better. And the decision is harder because I am returning to the job world and the search is taking longer than I expected. You sound like a strong person don't forget to give yourself credit.
It's amazing how similar our stories are... i won't go into great detail but i got the "i'm not in love with you anymore" speech in december of 04... by march 10 i had moved out of our "dream" home and filed for divorce... this past friday, June 16 marked the ONE year anniversary of our divorce... i never wanted it but there it is just the same... and he'd never admit it... but he confided in and had an "emotional" affair with a woman he worked with... i should have seen it coming because i was treated coldly for months... i truly believe (with no proof) that he did leave me for her, turned his back on me, and decided he wanted to be single!! HA.. he moved in with her a MONTH after our divorce was final... he never tried to save our marriage... he would tell people he was making an effort but it was a true effort...
now that so much time has gone by i am finally starting to feel better... about myself, about the failure of our marriage, etc... i'm moving on... and from what i hear from close friends that have been around him is that i'm LUCKY to have gotten out when i did... that he's not the same person he was... it's sad... we were together a total of 16 years... the nice thing is i have the memories of the person he was and the great realationship and good times we had during our life together...i know that i'm not interested in being friends with him... i do wish him well... but now it's time to live my life for ME...
good luck to you
Ali
Hi, Susan, and welcome to the board!
You have obviously done everything in your power to try to save your marriage. But there comes a day when you finally have to say, "Enough." And I think you've reached that point. Now, it's time to live your life for you. You miss the man your husband once was, not the man he has turned in to. You deserve so much more. It's not too much to ask to be respected, to be treated with tenderness, kindness, and decency.
Follow me to my partner in the siggy exchange...
Susan, I'm reading your post and thinkin' you were talking about what happened with me and my STBX. With the exception of having children, our situation is very much similar. Like yours, my husband cheated on me with someone at work. When I confronted him about the other woman (her name was always on his cell phone), he told me there are just friends and that he just needs someone to talk to. Nothing was going on and that I was being very paranoid. He didn't come home some nights saying that he's on call and had to work or he was staying at a friend's house. He was staying at a friend's house alright he was staying at her house. I finally decided to call this girl. She was surprise to hear from me and didn't know why I was calling. I told her it was because she was the other woman. My husband had told her and everyone at work that he and I separated 3 months prior. Which of course was another one of his lies.
My family and friends packed all of our belongings that night I found out. They weren't going to have me stay there with him. In a matter of 2 hours my apartment was empty. STBX didn't know what to do. No one would be his friend. Even his friends from work came over to help me. He begged and begged for me to take him back. He made tons of promises. For the first few months things were great. Our house was being built and we were slowly packing for our new house. He even got a tattoo with my name on it to show me how much he loves me. I believed him.
Then around this time last year his friend's wife started coming around as she was going through a divorce from her husband, who is my husband's co-worker and friend. From the moment this girl came into our lives, things started changing with my husband. He said he was confused and didn't know what he wanted in life. He would not come home at night saying he needed time to think. He came home less and less until finally he said he wanted a separation. I was totally devastated. I didn't know what to do or what to think. I sunk in the darkest hole I had ever been in. I am now alone with 6 cats (he brought home 4 cats last summer and promised to help me take care of them). What is more is I'm disabled. I'm in a wheelchair and require assistance around the apartment from time to time. Looking back on that time I am amazed that I'm here today to tell about it.
I was placed in a partial hospilization treatment program. Basically, I went for group counseling at 9 in the morning and don't get out unitl 3 in the afternoon. The whole time I was totally numb. I still carreied hope in me that my husband and I would work things out.
Well, here it is 10 months after he left and our divorce is pending. I found out several weeks ago that he bought a house with that girl and could possibly be the father of her baby girl. That was the last straw. I knew right there and then that there was no home. I immediately filed for divorce.
I have good and bad days. Sometimes I'll stop and just be in total shock that this is even happening to us. It was just a year ago that we were planning for our house to be built and vacations we were going to go on. To say I hurt and my heart is broken would be an understatement. He betrayed me not once but twice with the second one with someone I thought was my friend. My only wish is that they will someday (soon) feel ever bit of the pain they caused me in my life. I hope Karma bits them in a very big way.
Until then I'm living day to day trying to get my life in order. I have days where I'm excited about starting over and having a chance to find happiness again. Then I have days when all I want is my husband back and our family together. I try very hard to remind myself what he has done to me and that I am better off without him.
It is hard to let go of someone who still lives in your heart.
Susan, if you ever need someone to talk to, let me know. For me, as bad as things are, I feel a little bit better knowing someone can relate and that I'm not alone.