I can't believe it's come to this

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2005
I can't believe it's come to this
3
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 10:21pm

My husband and I have been together almost 8 years, married for 5 1/2. We have two beautiful children, 4 and 1 1/2. Of course we had the "typical" marital problems... money, kids, responsibility, etc., but nothing that I thought was unusual for a marriage. About 6 months ago he, out of the blue, started acting very distant towards me, uncaring, cold. After a couple of weeks of this, I confronted him and he said that he didn't feel the same about me as he use to and wasn't sure he was still in love with me. A lot of discussions have happened since then and a lot of things have come out on both sides, but he's still saying the same thing. He's confused and doesn't know what he wants. He's become a totally different person. I don't even know this man anymore.

Anyway, around Thanksgiving I told him that we were going to get through the holidays for the kids and then we were going to start moving in some direction, that I couldn't just keep living in limbo, being hurt and disappointed by his actions every day. He said that he understood, but continued to act the same...distant, self absorbed, uncaring (except for when I would just sob like a baby in front of him and ask him...why? why? why? Then he would be comforting towards me, tell me he's sorry, tell me he knows he's hurting me but never willing to change his mind, never willing to work on things). Finally new years came and I told him that he needed to leave, that we would figure something out as far as kids and money goes but if this is truly what he wanted then he needed to do it and stop confusing me, stop confusing the kids. He then said, he wanted to try to make it work. Since then, he's been coming home, but that's about it for the trying, nothing else. It's like pulling teeth getting him to talk and when we do talk, he just agrees with me, says he knows what he is doing and feeling is wrong but he can't help how he feels. I personally think it's a load of crap. Last night I told him the reason he doesn't have anything to say to me, the reason he can't defend himself or tell me why he's doing this is because it has nothing to do with me. It's all him. He hates his life. He hates being a husband and a father because it requires him thinking of others, work, responsibility...something he's not good at. I told him I wanted out (even though I wish with every part of my being that things could work out). I just can't live with the man he's become. I can't live with someone who doesn't love me or doesn't even really want to try to work on things, even though he says he does. I just really think the only reason he said he wants to try is one, because of money, and two because he doesn't know where he's going to go if we separate. His life will become hard and he doesn't want that to happen.

What should I do? For the sake of my sanity and my children, shouldn't we separate even though I really don't want that? I just don't see it getting any better if he's not willing to put forth the effort. I have never done anything to him. I've always been understanding, I've always been there when he needs me, I've never cheated on him, lied to him, nothing. He even admits that. He's says I've been a wonderful wife and I'm an excellent mother. If that's the case, why is he doing this? Is he really this selfish?

Confused and sad,
Susan

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 9:55am

Hi,
I have a question. Would he be willing to try counseling? Maybe if what he says is really true then he would be willing to try this route as long as you are willing to. Sometime just starting off with a pastor can be helpful. I don't know your religion or anything but this could be an option.

I really don't have much other advice right now but we are always here to listen. I will keep you in my thoughts.

K:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2006
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 11:03am
That all sounds so familiar! We went through all the same things. All was great then one day he was just another person. He also tells me I'm a great mother, great wife. I would ask then why would you want to leave someone like that? The truth of it is: YES they are THAT selfish! In our marriage the problem is also him. He's unhappy with who he is, with the responsibility of a family, ect... He's always been this way. It's always been about what he needed or wanted or where he wanted to go. It's always been all about him and how mistreated he was because he didn't get to do everything he ever wanted because he had a family that I insisted came first! His rationalization....I deserve better. He's right and I finally realize that. I do deserve to be with someone who wants to be there unconditionally. So do you! In the end if he's gonna stay on the fence about it you have to be the one to make the tough decisions. That was what my stbx wanted. If I made the decision I was the bad guy. I finally decided, like you, I can't live in limbo anymore. I can't let my kids live like that. We can be happy without him and we will. I'm sorry you are going through this. I can tell you this is a great place to find support. I have only been here about a week and these ladies have already given me hope, strength and determination I know I would not have foound for a long time had I not come here!
Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 4:47pm

Hey there Susan...

I'm glad that you found us... I'm sorry that you have felt the need to find us, but I'm glad you're here... It's not easy to go through what you've been going through lately and there are quite a few of us here who have been through similar things...

Anyway... at this point, its not easy, because he doesn't seem to be able to make up his mind, and yet, by not doing so, he's putting you in a horrible place, LIMBO. I would suggest at this point, that you consider some counseling, either with a counselor or perhaps your pastor... you can do this as a couple or on your own--it can be helpful either way... this can help you figure out exactly what you want... whether it is to try to work things out, which would be wonderful, if it could work out, or to go your separate ways... which can be difficult, but can ultimately lead to a brighter tomorrow...

Since you are in limbo, another thing I would suggest doing is preparing yourself, just in case that the separation does lead to divorce... what do I mean? Making copies of financial records... pay stubs, taxes, investments... open your own bank accounts if you do not have one all ready... right now, you may have easier access to some or all of the above records than you would should you decide that the best thing to do is divorce... You may also wish to consult an attorney, solely for the purpose of finding out what your rights are... and also what your children's rights are... one thing that I discovered (a little too late, if you ask me) was that knowledge is power...

To answer your question, is he that selfish? He may be... some men are... my xh didn't want to be a father or a husband anymore... in my husband's case, yes, I think he is that selfish... there are men out there who are that way, unfortunately. You do deserve to be happy... you deserve to be loved... and if he doesn't treat you the way you wish to be treated and you're staying married for him, because its easier on him, well, that may not be the best for you or your children... but only you can truly know the answer to that... It is hard to say why this is happening... and harder still because you remember how he once was...

We are here for you... please come back and let us know how you're doing... we are more than willing to listen as you work through things as this can be a difficult decision... I wish you peace as you consider your options...

*hugs*

Julie