I can't make a decision-stay or go

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
I can't make a decision-stay or go
5
Sun, 04-03-2005 - 7:42pm
Hello,
I moved out three months ago. My husband and I don't have any kids and we've been married for almost six years. I had been telling him for a LONG time that I wasn't happy and that I needed more affection or closeness from him. I took a month-long vacation by myself in December and when I came back, I moved out. Now he is saying that he really wants to work things out and that he knows what he needs to work on and he is ready and willing to do it. That all sounds great, but the problem is, when I think about moving back home, I get all nervous and I try to imagine how it could be if he changed, but I just can't visualize it. I know that the only way I'll ever know is to go back and try, but I don't know if I can put 100% into making it work. The thought kind of makes me feel tired. I feel like I've tried so hard for so long already. Also, to go back and then have to go through deciding to leave again and all the pain of separating again would be horrible.
I just don't know what to do. He's a wonderful man. He's kind and respectful and I know he loves me. I just don't think we have enough in common or something. We don't connect as much as I need.
I am so lost. I feel like burying my head in the sand forever.
Please, any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 12:59am
You dont have kids. That would be the clincher for me. No matter how

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 9:27am

I do think that every marriage is worth a shot ( minus the ones that have physical and emotional abuse )


I also believe that if you are looking for your spouse to make you happy, the relationship is doomed. You have to be happy with you in order to love someone else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2004
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 4:01pm

I think I am in the same boat as you are, except that I do have a son with my husband. But lately (actually for a long time) I have felt that the only thing we have in common is our son. Like you said about your husband, we just aren't close--I feel there is so much more to me that he doesn't even see or seem to want to see.

Like someone else said, you can't MAKE yourself love someone, and the harder you try the less you will love them. I think that it is possible for people to change, but there are limits to the change. Are the things that he is changing really going to make the difference? My husband always says, "If it's not this, it's always something else." Meaning that I will always find something wrong with our relationship because I am unhappy in general. Maybe you are unhappy in general also.

Why did you move out right after the vacation? Did you find the time alone more enjoyable than the time with your husband? I understand what you mean about feeling tired in trying to make it work. I think that you have given up and are ready to move on. Maybe it would be best to continue to be honest with yourself than to appease him.

Easier said than done, I know!

Ingrid

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 4:24pm
If you can't see yourself moving back, then don't. If you believe he might be able to win you back (there is a chance), then just start dating him, seeing him, spending time together and perhaps even sleeping over at each other's places to see if you feel things are headed in the right direction. You don't have to move all your stuff back in to investigate the possibility of giving it a second try. Marriage counseling would also be a good idea to help you explore the possibility of working out the problems/issues you have in the marriage.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 4:58pm

I agree with firstamendment.... why not try dating him and see what happens?


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~