I can't move on

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2006
I can't move on
5
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 10:28pm

I am really struggling with moving on from my marriage. My ex and I were married for 16 years, and then separated for 3 years, and our divorce just became final last month.

Our marriage was tumultuous from the beginning, and sometimes I am not sure that I really loved him at first. He gave me genital herpes when we were still dating and I think I thought I had no choice but to marry him. We always fought horribly and he was often emotionally abusive. I was a young single mom when I met him and we married young - I was 23. In all the years we were married I often felt trapped and wanted out, but never had the courage to leave. Then after about 5 years of marriage, we found out that I had serious fertility problems. This was not such a problem for me - I did not think we should bring another child into our bad relationship, but he desparately wanted to have a large family. I went along with fertility treatments for a few years, with no luck, then we reached the point where the doctors said in vitro would be our only option. I said I wasn't willing to continue down that path, but never had the courage to be honest about the fact that I would never want any children.

Our marriage became a disaster at that point, his anger overwhelmed everything, the arguments were earth shattering, with long periods of silence and bitterness in between. I did not know where to turn, but still never left. At one point, I had a brief affair, which he never discovered, and to my knowledge he was never unfaithful through all of those years.

Then we slowly learned to love each other in the last 2-3 years of our marriage and I thought we had matured to the point where we would grow old together. I felt and still feel deep love for him and we had become true life partners.

EXCEPT that the baby thing never went away and 3 years ago he said he had to leave because he could not live his life never having any children of his own. I was devasted and when through 8 months of blackest grieving, during which time he was fairly distant, but neither of us pursued a divorce. Then one day I started to feel strong again and thought I would be okay.

BUT, then we re-connected and for more than 2 years he and I continued to have a relationship - we lived apart, but conducted ourselves as if we were still married, talking constantly on the phone, spending time together and sleeping together many times. The baby thing was always there and he kept asking me to change my mind, and I kept saying no. We both kept talking about how much we loved each other and that we felt like we wished we could find a way to be together. Although I often said that this relationship was unhealthy and that one of us would end up hurt. Well inevitably one of us did.

About 3 months ago he decided to go to Ukraine to find himself a new wife to have his babies. I have been devasted on so many levels about this and can't stop crying over him. I feel pathetic and stupid. I have tried dating, but at each attempt I make a mess, talking about all of my baggage and sending the guy running.

The irony of this whole thing is that my daughter, who is 22, made me a grandmother 3.5 years ago, but she wigged out, and I am now raising my grandson as a single parent, when I lost my marriage supposedly over not wanting any kids.

I just want to stop crying and wanting my ex back and feeling so pathetic and most of the time I feel like I'll end up alone and miserable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 12:11am

I would suggest doing your grief work and not worrying about having a

Susan

"Success is building a foundation wit

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2004
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 6:01am
I am so sorry to hear about your struggles - and everyone tells me that things will get better every day and that I will become stronger everyday - I'm sure everyone tells you the same thing. I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and that I am praying that your situation will get better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 7:10am

yes, you can and you will move on.

For a marriage, what a tremendous amount of grief, pain and sorrow in a relatively short span of time!!! and you are still sooo young!!!

your ex seems to be very subject to changing his mind, and is very dependent on the fact that you are always going to be there for him - but he does not really value you enough to accept your choices such as not having children. You both may have talked about how to find a way to stay together, but his way is clear: for you to concede, and have babies! Fertility treatments are not a small details - it is demanding, stressful, costly and not always successful... and heavily related to the age of the woman. It does not work better at forty than it did at 25!!! It looks to me it is time to focus on what you want, and forget what you don't want... there is so much in life still to be had!!!

There is your grandchild now to take care of, an education to provide, plus a whole life to re-build for yourself. It may be necessary to put limits on how much you want to be in contact with your ex, I am sure that he will be calling you shortly again, to start more of the up-and-down game.

You may want to see a counselor to help you sort through your emotions. It is very difficult to see by yourself what to fix, because you are too involved with the issues and problems.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2006
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 7:23am

Thank you, I know that you are right. I guess I felt like I did my grieving over our marriage once already and didn't think it would hit me like this again. And I know I am not ready for a relationship either, I guess I was hoping that dating might help me to move on. It was sort of a childish move - my ex was telling me up until the day he took his trip a few months ago that he loved me and begged me to change my mind. Then in the span of 2 days decided he met someone and did not love me anymore. (The reason he went over there is that there are women who want to marry American men - that's a whole other shock to me, it's like he's someone I don't know at all to do something like that).

Anyway, I think I needed an outlet for my grief, I don't have any close girlfriends, he was also my best friend, so I was turning to him for help (now that's really wise, right?) I know that I am strong enough to survive this, but I have been such a wreck lately and of course I am angry, at him and mostly at myself. I let this mess happen and allowed myself to keep the relationship with him, even though I knew all along how dangerous it was because it felt good and becuase I am terrified of starting over.

Anyway I am just venting. Thank you again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 7:48am

Starting over is not always so bad.

Susan

"Success is building a foundation wit