I can't stop crying
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| Sun, 04-29-2007 - 1:01am |
I can't seem to function. I can't eat, I'm just sick to my stomach, I can't sleep and every time I close my eyes I see the two of them together.
We've been married 16 years (been together for 21) and have 14 year old boy, and an 11 1/2 year old daughter.
It all started 16 months ago. He moved out because I caught him in a lie. We went to counseling and he swore there was no one else and wanted to make it work. He also has stated on many occasions that we was not seeing anyone else and had no desire to. But he would never move back home. Late summer he quit going to counseling with me. We were spending a lot of time together and going places together - then that stopped too. He still said there was no one else and he wasn't ready to throw in the towel. A few weeks ago he asked if me and kids wanted to go away with him for a weekend - see if we could rebuild anything. I was pretty excited. Then 2 days before the trip (last weekend) I got a phone call from a friend saying he saw the two of them together holding hands & hugging. Seems as though he was having this affair for 2 years - although he denies that it started that soon (he does, however, admit to the affair). He's a liar and I don't believe a word that he says. He's 43 and she is 29 and also married (but separated from her husband in December). I always knew in my gut something was going on between the two of them, but he made me doubt my gut - my gut was right all along. He kept telling me that they were just friends. Yet I was never allowed to go to the after work functions. He would always tell me that no spouses came to these co-ed functions. She was always at this functions "just a friend". Basically he is spider man - just spinning and spinning webs of lies for the last who knows how long.
And here I sit wanting to write him an email begging him to change his mind about a divorce. What is wrong with me? I know I deserve better. Please tell me why that is such a bad idea. I'm in a desperate phase or something.
I've seen an attorney. I know that financially I'll be fine - and the kids will stay with me. I know that he's a liar and I also know I can never be married to him and need to end this marriage. HOWEVER, I can't stop crying and I can't eat. My heart just won't listen to my head.

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Sandy,
He betrayed you and
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
These 2 books really, really helped me:
FAITH IN THE VALLEY : Lessons for Women on the Journey to Peace by Iyanla Vanzant
In the Meantime: Finding Yourself and the Love You Want --Iyanla Vanzant
Karen ~ wildlucky4me
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Boy, can I feel your pain.
I am right where you are. Crying that seems will NEVER EVER STOP! And I feel sick to my stomach all the time. It's awful!
I got the same line of b.s. about his affair. He's 40, she's 29..whatever. She hasn't lived in our state for 2 years..she got divorced, etc. Same ol' sob story.
I let him move back in when we were only one month away from finalizing our divorce. Two weeks ago he was emailing me that he wanted me forever.
A week ago, he tells me he's done AGAIN!
And one thing I've learned if nothing else, my gut was right on also! A woman's intuition is scary smart!
I know I can't make the hurt go away, but I can tell you from one that has hurt and continues to hurt as you do, there is a light at the end of the tunnel! He had moved out for 6 months and I was really picking up the pieces and doing quite fine!
I've also learned to surround myself with good things, stay away from the negative stuff. It may not be the "perfect" answer but it has truly helped me through some really bad days!
Big hugs, I'm on often, feel free to contact me any time!
We're gonna be okay!
Jennifer
quoted from your post: "Please tell me why that is such a bad idea."
My advice to you would be your own advice to yourself. Also quoted from your own post:
" I know that he's a liar and I also know I can never be married to him and need to end this marriage."
I am so sorry that you are going through this right now. But eventually the pain will lessen. Eventually the tears will dry up and you will be unable to cry again for a long time. You are going through the grieving process right now. It's very okay and very normal. There is absolutly NOTHING wrong with you at all. You are only being human & acting and reacting in a very human fashion. Usually when speaking of grief ppl are referring to death. But ppl go through the grief process when anything tramatic happens to them like divorce, betrayal, and separation...here is some more insight on the subject and hopefully it can help you.
Impact of Loss: The Grieving Process
When a loved one/classmate is dying or dies, there is a grieving process. Recovery is a slow and emotionally painful one. The grieving process can be less painful if you try to understand that loss and grief is a natural part of life. Learn to accept your loss and believe in yourself. Believe that you can cope with tragic happenings. Let your experience be a psychological growth process that will help you to deal with future stressful events. The grieving process usually consists of the following stages. Note that not everyone goes through all these stages.
Denial and Shock
At first, it may be difficult for you to accept your own dying or the death of a loved one/classmate. As a result you will deny the reality of death. However, this denial will gradually diminish as you begins to express and share your feelings about death and dying with other students or friends.
Anger
During this stage the most common question asked is "why me?". You are angry at what you perceive to be the unfairness of death and you may project and displace your anger unto others. When given some social support and respect, you will eventually become less angry and able to move into the next stage of grieving.
Bargaining
Many students try to bargain with some sort of diety. They probably try to bargain and offer to give up an enjoyable part of their lives in exchange for the return of health or the lost person.
Guilt
You may find yourself feeling guilty for things you did or didn't do prior to the loss. Forgive yourself. Accept your humanness.
Depression
You may at first experience a sense of great loss. Mood fluctuations and feelings of isolation and withdrawal may follow. It takes time for you, the grieving student, to gradually return to your old self and become socially involved in what's going on around you. Please note that encouragement and reassurance to the bereaved student will not be helpful in this stage.
Loneliness
As you go through changes in your social life because of the loss, you may feel lonely and afraid. The more you are able to reach out to others and make new friends, the more this feeling lessens.
Acceptance
Acceptance does not mean happiness. Instead you accept and deal with the reality of the situation.
Hope
Eventually you will reach a point where remembering will be less painful and you can begin to look ahead to the future and more good times.
University of New York
Student First/Student Affairs
http://ub-counseling.buffalo.edu/process.shtml
I just re-read my original post from 1 year and 7 months ago. I cried when I read it - boy oh boy was I in a lot of pain. Here's an update:
I filed for divorced last January and it was final this past July. I am happier now without him than I ever was in my marriage. I realize now that it wasn't just 2 affairs he had - there was many. Who wants to be married to that? It took time, but I'm in a good place now. But it does take time. I'm dating, but nothing serious. I don't want or need serious - I am enjoying my "Me time". I still have some baggage I need to sort through and walls I need to tear down but nothing I can't handle. I love making my own decisions. And you know what? I don't miss being married to him AT ALL!
So I hope my little update helps someone else struggling to get through. Just hang in there and take it day by day, or hour by hour - whatever it takes. I went through everything Melissa described, but I did it and came out the other side. I kept telling myself I'd be happier in a year - and I was right! Today I'm happy as I write this - big big change from my last visit here on these boards.
Thank you to everyone who helped me though back then.
Sandy
Hi Mary,
I know what you mean - I was the same way. I didn't want to give up either. But you are right - you can't change him. My divorce process wasn't too bad, we went to a divorce counselor and he filed all paper work - saved us a ton on lawyers. Both of us just wanted a fair settlement. We are actually pretty amicable now, this is better for the kids. And when he's a jerk I can just walk away. But you'll get here - you'll get through this. And you know what? You'll be a stronger woman.
I also had the support of family and friends. I used to call my Dad (who lives in another State) whenever I was on my way to mediation. Somehow it help to talk to him. Take care of yourself. Do something for yourself everyday. Do things you used to do before you were married, things that you stopped doing because he didn't share that interest. I started running....first 5k's, then a 10k - then at the age of 46 I ran my first triathlon last year - I was so proud of myself - just what I needed!
I am so sorry you are going through this, but trust me when I say that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You deserve a man who treats you right and who loves you. But first - you'll learn again to love and trust yourself.
Take care,
Sandy
Hi Mary,
You'll find him - just don't rush the process. No one can tells us how much time we should take, but you are going through a very stressful time. And you (we... were the same age) are still young (isn't 40's the new 30's?). Although we are old enough to know what we want - and yes we can wait until we find it! I really am happy, and actually stand up for myself now - it's a good change - something I wouldn't have done a year and a half ago!
You sound a lot like me, I would have stayed in an unhappy marriage for the rest of my life. Because that's my character. In reality, he did me a favor leaving me. Because now I can be happy and actually enjoy my own company.
Enjoy your cruise - just go and spoil yourself - you deserve it!
Take care,
Sandy
hi sandyblond,
i read ur post. i have been divorced for 3 years and i cannot seem to get over it. i am so depressed that i rarely get out of bed. i dont want him back or anything like that, i just dont know where to go from here. i feel very discouraged that it has been this long and i still am depressed. any advice on moving on???
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