I can't stop crying

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2006
I can't stop crying
13
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 1:01am

I can't seem to function. I can't eat, I'm just sick to my stomach, I can't sleep and every time I close my eyes I see the two of them together.

We've been married 16 years (been together for 21) and have 14 year old boy, and an 11 1/2 year old daughter.

It all started 16 months ago. He moved out because I caught him in a lie. We went to counseling and he swore there was no one else and wanted to make it work. He also has stated on many occasions that we was not seeing anyone else and had no desire to. But he would never move back home. Late summer he quit going to counseling with me. We were spending a lot of time together and going places together - then that stopped too. He still said there was no one else and he wasn't ready to throw in the towel. A few weeks ago he asked if me and kids wanted to go away with him for a weekend - see if we could rebuild anything. I was pretty excited. Then 2 days before the trip (last weekend) I got a phone call from a friend saying he saw the two of them together holding hands & hugging. Seems as though he was having this affair for 2 years - although he denies that it started that soon (he does, however, admit to the affair). He's a liar and I don't believe a word that he says. He's 43 and she is 29 and also married (but separated from her husband in December). I always knew in my gut something was going on between the two of them, but he made me doubt my gut - my gut was right all along. He kept telling me that they were just friends. Yet I was never allowed to go to the after work functions. He would always tell me that no spouses came to these co-ed functions. She was always at this functions "just a friend". Basically he is spider man - just spinning and spinning webs of lies for the last who knows how long.

And here I sit wanting to write him an email begging him to change his mind about a divorce. What is wrong with me? I know I deserve better. Please tell me why that is such a bad idea. I'm in a desperate phase or something.

I've seen an attorney. I know that financially I'll be fine - and the kids will stay with me. I know that he's a liar and I also know I can never be married to him and need to end this marriage. HOWEVER, I can't stop crying and I can't eat. My heart just won't listen to my head.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2006
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 10:50pm

Hi Brandim2000,
I'm so sorry. It's tough and my heart breaks for you. I had to make myself get busy. I started by joining a beginning running group... I didn't know anyone to start, but met some nice people. And the benefits were I felt better and got in better shape. I also went back to school at the local community college. I'm still taking classes and am the old lady of the group, but it's okay - I seem to fit in. And I like school now - not like when I was a teen. And again, I've met some nice people. For me it worked better to sign up for things that I had to show up at (the running group, class) that way I had to go....otherwise I think I would have stayed in bed all day and just blew it off. It's scary walking in somewhere that you don't know anyone, but it gets easier. I also thought about who I used to be, before my ex. This may sound strange, but I found my 3rd grade school photo, I looked at that little girl and cried and apologized to her for how her life turned out. I decided right there that she deserved better than how I was living my life. I got in touch with old friends that my ex wasn't interested in meeting. I started thinking for myself, I got a dog....my ex never wanted a dog...now I could just go get one without asking anyone...liberating! (I now have 3 dogs!) I volunteer at my kids schools, I kept busy. And I let myself cry...it's okay. It's good to have someone to talk to. You just need to put one foot in front of the other. Show him what he left... a strong, beautiful, courageous woman who doesn't need a man in her life. I wanted to make my ex regret leaving me by showing him I didn't need him to survive. I even joined a dating group for awhile, again met some nice people. Do something for yourself tomorrow, even just a little thing. Before you know it, you'll catch yourself smiling - and happiness has found you.

Please keep me posted.
Take care,
Sandy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2008
Sat, 01-17-2009 - 8:15am

I can't really relate to the OW issue in marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2008
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 6:07pm

Thank you so much for posting your "success story"!

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