I can't take it...I'm falling apart

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2005
I can't take it...I'm falling apart
9
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 4:30pm

I'm having a really bad day with everything going on.....I can't take it anymore!!!

I've only posted on this site a couple of times, mostly to ask questions, but today I need some advice and words of encouragement.

Here's the thing.....two and a half years ago, I let my STBX husband convince me to buy a house in the middle of nowhere in the mountains of New Hampshire. I'm 12 miles from a "town", grocery store, and the only "department store" that is here is Walmart. I'm lucky enough to have a very good work from home job, so it's not like I have to commute anywhere daily. I have a 15 year old daughter who put up with moving here, and has now adjusted with her own life and friends.

I'm going to be getting the house in the divorce, and plan to sell it when my daugher is done with high school, which is 3 YEARS FROM NOW. She is also torn. She can't stand living in the middle of nowhere, but doesn't want to have to start over again, especially being a teenager in high school.

Oh yea, the other little twist to my situation, is that I have some severe back problems. I have two ruptured discs, fibromyalgia, and some minor arthritis problems. Bottom line, I'm in a constant state of pain. It is manageable with the medications I'm on, but I do have my bad days. My STBX also has back problems, which are a hell of a lot worse than mine (he's on SS Disability).

Anyway, the reason I'm flipping today??? I needed to go "into town" to pick up a prescription for my back medicine. I got half way there, and realized I had forgotten the prescription. I had to turn around, and go all the way back to my home, which is off a dirt road, on top of a mountain. I LOST IT!!!! And what's worse, I did it in front of my daughter. I'm always the one to keep it together, and do the "everything is going to be ok" thing, but I just couldn't today. I started screaming and crying that I HATE IT HERE!!! That going to get a prescription filled, takes a whole afternoon because of the distance. That I'm so sick of trees and mountains, I'd be happy that if for the rest of my life, I never saw the "wilderness" again!!!

My daughter seemed to handle it fine....and I hate it, but she ended up telling me everything would be ok. She even said "well, we're going to be getting out of here in 3 years anyway, let's move now". I know part of her wants to......because she wants to go to college in the Boston area.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!! If I stay here for the next 3 years, I've got to deal with isolation, basically no human contact, (there's not a lot to do here....and I'm not exaggerating), really bad, freezing cold (like minus 40 degrees in the winter) weather, and the responsibility of taking care of 3 acres of cleared land that my property is on (did I mention I have back problems?). On the other hand, if I sell the house, and move to civilization, I'm going to uproot my daughter at a critical time in her life, and I don't know if she'll be able to handle it with everything else going on. She is GLAD about the divorce. There were a lot of issues with her and my STBX, and she really is better off not being around him.

I haven't had many of these days - at least where I open up and lose it - there have been many days where I keep everything to myself - but I'm freaking out!!!!! I just want to crawl up into a ball until everything gets better somehow.

The last little twist......if I sell my house before April 2006, I have to pay a prepayment penalty on my house. It was a "fine print" clause during a rate reduction I took 6 months after buying the house.

Thanks for letting me vent.....I don't have anyone else I can talk to.

suzq

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 5:31pm

Big (((HUGS))) for you. I have a good friend with fibromyalgia and I have rheumatoid arthritis (as does my mom). I couldn't function at all without my prescriptions (I'd be bedridden without them) and what you went through today, and are going through in general, would make me scream too. It's okay for your dd to see that occasionally things can be too much - because she's also going to see that after you screamed and cried, you pulled it together and continued on. You are modeling for her and you are doing a fine job.

It sounds like moving is what you and your dd need. Starting over is hard, and it will be hard for your dd, but it's not insurmountable, and there is lots of benefits. Take a few deep breaths and in the next week start researching where you want to live, housing prices, how the housing market is doing there and where you are now (buyers or sellers markets), and what you might get for your home (including the prepayment penalty). Involve your dd in the research, and by going through the process it might be clearer if she seems to be willing to go for it or if she really is hesitant to leave her friends. That will help you make the ultimate decision.

Tomorrow is a new day, and hopefully a better one.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 7:01pm

Big Hugs to you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 7:22am

Oh Sweetie! Im sorry!


I bet your dd will do FINE if you move. Its teen years, BUT, its not like she is moving as a senior. I assume she will be a freshman next year? She will be ok - & she seems to be ready to do it. Maybe you could move near the Boston area? I live in RI & love it. Am 75 min from Boston.

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 1:26pm

Hi Suz,

Two thoughts: First, is it possible to rent the house until April 2006 so you can go ahead and move closer to the city now? (Your daughter seems to be Ok with moving now.)

Or, use the next 12 months to plan your "escape" back to the city. That would involve scouting for housing, a new school for your daugther, and other information you would need depending on where you want to live.

Either way, talk to your banker or other financial advisor about the prepayment penalty. Find out about any exceptions. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 2:45pm

I'm having an anxiety attack just reading your post! Isolation and starting over are a wicked combo!

Move girlfriend! Penalty or not, what price do you put on your sanity. There came a time in my marriage where I was feeling like I literally needed AIR and you need air and less trees and SUMMER! ;)

Your daughter is 15 and in 9th grade I presume? If she has 3 years left, those are the traditional 3 years left of high school. I don't mean to discount that it will be hard to move friends, but these can be great times to do that as well. Let her have some say and she'll be happy to make the transition. She may end up finding the best friend she's ever had around that unseen corner. One never knows.......it's always scary to jump off the cliff but there always seems to be a parachute, especially when you jump in faith of something good!

You never know what is around the corner and rebuilding and moving can be the best thing that you ever did! Three years in a place you don't want to be can feel like 20.............or 3 years where you want to be, can be like a breathe of fresh air! Take care of yourself...........and everything will fall into place!

Best of luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2005
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 7:10pm

I want to thank everyone who gave me words of encouragement. It's meant so much to me. Just to be able to hear from others who understand what I'm going through is wonderful.

I always have had to be the strong one in life, the one who takes care of everyone, and all I've ever wanted is someone to take care of me. I'm 40 years old, and at this point, I don't think it's ever going to happen. I know that sounds stupid, and logically I realize that things could turn around in my life, but sometimes I just don't see it happening.

I have always lived my life based on what's best for someone else - mostly because I want to make the people I love happy - so I sacrifice my own needs. To be honest, I don't even know what my needs are. I don't have anything I do for fun. My life is just work, raising my teenage daughter, making sure the bills get paid, and the house is clean. In addition to my pain issues, I'm also an insomniac. I don't get more than 3-4 hours of sleep per night. I nod off at times in the evening, but I hardly ever sleep 8 hours, unless I'm completely burnt out. I've been this way for 5 years.

I don't do anything for myself, other than watch TV shows that I enjoy - which is actually an improvement from when my STBX lived here, because he would get all sad and depressed if I ever said I wanted to go into the other room to watch a "chick flick". He would try to make me feel guilty by saying things like "what's the matter, you don't want to spend time with me?" Stop shaking your heads because believe me, I know what you're all thinking....what is she nuts? She should have just gone to the other room and watch what she wanted! Believe me....it was easier to sit on the couch with him, and watch the shows he wanted to watch, then to get into a draining session of trying to explain to him that I "just wanted to what something other than he wanted", and it wasn't because I didn't want to spend time with him, or love him.

I actually think his "brainwashing" of me all of these years finally worked. From the beginning of our marriage....no, no...our relationship, he had always questioned if I really loved him (which was only his insecurities talking - believe me), so I guess after 16 years of him saying things like that, and constantly telling me that he loved me more than I loved him....it WORKED!! I haven't been able to stand him for YEARS!!!!!

I apologize.....I didn't mean to go off again. I just wanted to thank everyone for just talking to me. Even though I can't wait for the divorce to go through, it's still a hard time. I guess since my court date is one week from today, I'm feeling the pressure. Not to mention that I HAVE TO HELP MY STBX fill out his own paperwork for court, because he doesn't know how to do it!!!!! I'd say the hell with him, but if he doesn't do it correctly, or at all, it's just going to hold up MY LIFE.

Thanks again for listening, and please countrygal mom, don't have another anxiety attack from reading my message!!! hehehe

suzq

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 7:31pm

I think discounting your needs is a really common thing. I've done that my whole life too. I'm working on it though. It's not easy, even when you aren't living with an insecure, manipulative person. I've been in therapy a year and it was a *huge* deal for me a couple weeks ago just to tell my bf I was sick and needed someone to cuddle with. I completely expected him to disappoint me. That is one reason I take care of everyone else and myself (never letting someone else do things for me) because that way I never get let down. He didn't disapoint me though, he came over, even though I have consistently acted as if I had no needs during our relationship and he's seemed to be fine with that (I think it does confuse him though). It's amazing how such a simple thing as letting someone know you need them can be so tough to do.

Take care of the house, the moving, the divorce and when you are settled read some books and seek some counseling and find out what it takes to let someone in and let them be there for you (and how to pick someone who is capable of doing that in the first place).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2005
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 4:25am

Dear "firstamendment" - Thank you so much for your messages (reply 2 and 8), and advice. I can't tell you how much it meant to me. I can't believe I found someone on this board who knows exactly how I'm feeling.

Of course I'm grateful for all of the other kind words from the others who posted a reply to me, but between you having RA (and me with fibromyalgia plus my back problems) and the need to feel as if you have to take care of everyone else first - I feel like I'm hearing kind words and advice from the better part of ME, who I can't find or hear from right now.

I am so happy I started posted on this board. All of you have been so helpful.

Thank you again, and "first", I hope to stay in touch with you.

Since this seems to be a bad week for me, because of my court date coming up on Monday, I have a feeling I'm going to be posting several messages.

Thank you again

suzq

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 6:55am
Post as often as you need to, we are all here for you (and for each other).

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