I could do without the D rollercoaster
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| Wed, 08-02-2006 - 8:00pm |
I am new to this board, but a friend recommended that I get involved with an online community in regard to Divorce. SO... here I am.
I was married to my husband for almost 16 years. We have been through a lot over the years and even were on the verge of divorce 2 times in the last 3 years. This time he has moved out and has his own place and is serious. We had been working on our marriage steady for the last year. I thought we were doing ok, knew that we needed a little extra help but he wouldn't go to counseling. Then right after father's day he tells me he is done. He wants a divorce and this time he is set. I had been trying to improve my relationship with God at the same time and couldn't believe that God was letting him do this to us. We have 6 children. I have really reviewed our marriage and realize that I was doing most of the work for it. I was way overcompensating. He was neglectful of me and my children. He has admitted to having to fantasize about other women to be with me and that he has never really "connected" with the dad thing. He is of course out on the internet with his profile trying to meet women, he has been since before he moved out.
I know, in my mind, in my intellect that he is so bad for me. That staying with him would be stupid and so degrading me to that I can not, will not stay with him, nor will I take him back, though my heart tells me "If he is in counseling you will consider getting back together with him." I feel stupid for this. I go through a rollercoaster ride every day. I am trying to function and on some fronts doing fine, but inside I am such a screwed up mess that it is overwhelming. I believe all men are liars and cheats and all they can do is think about who they can "hook up" with. My kids are angry, confused, sad and struggling. He of course is leaving me with all the bills of maintaining the house and taking care of the kids and wants to pay me no spousal maintenance and as little child support as possible. He says he can't afford to file for divorce so I am forced to do it instead. I need to get a court order for withholding his wages so that I know that I can get the support I need. He tried to tell me the other day he still wants to be my friend, but that went out the window when he found out that I was going to fight for the spousal maintenance and the maximum childsupport allowed. He said he will be left with nothing and may not even be able to afford to keep his apartment. Too bad, he wanted to leave and I have kids to take care of. I have enrolled in college and am trying to get all the aid that I can for that. I have appointments up the ying yang to try to find help to pay my bills because I don't have a job, haven't really worked in 5 years. I know that I can't support the kids on walmart wages and so I decided to go to school. By the way, my youngest are twins, almost 2 yo, my oldest is 14 and I am homeschooling him. I feel so angry and so hurt. So inadequate and yet I know that I am not. I know that any man would have been BLESSED to have me for a wife. I have taken care of my husband for these 15 years, given him my time and put him first before myself. Took care of the house, the kids, the finances and made sure he got up for work, he ate breakfast, he ate dinner, he had lunch or money for lunch. I did most of this because I loved him and wanted him to have as easy a time as possible so that he would have more time for me and the kids... big suprise, he spent as little time with me and the kids as possible. I feel obsessed to know what he is doing, who he is with and it is killing me.. tearing me apart. I want to just move on, WHY AM I HOLDING ON! I am a little scared but I really in my heart feel it will all work out. I am trying to get into better shape so that I can feel better, but with 6 kids, time for that is little to none... That is actually a problem I had while married.. it is nothing to be alone really because this is no different then when I was married, just I have 1 less person to worry about. Probably the biggest of the kids. I guess I just need support to get through those times that I want to follow him and then just make his life hell. I have done so much to help make his life easy, WHY WHY should HE get to go off and just BRUSH OFF his responsibilities?
I would NEVER leave my kids with anyone, I know that they are not better off with anyone and I know that I can be there for them like no one else can. I love them and that is where I got the gumption to go back to school, because I want to be an example for them and someone that they can respect. I will NOT lie down and give up. I want them to see that when things go down, that you can rise above it. I am successful sometimes at denying the urge to find out what he is doing, but other times I am weak. I see how I have given and given and given to him and I feel like dolt.
I guess you could say "Co-Dependant". Anyhow. I actually feel tremendously better just typing this all out. I look forward to being on here, I know there are times when I will be fighting the demons of anger and suspicion toward my "ex". Well, my children are requiring attention... Thank you for the opportunity to vent.

nencel,
first, my heart goes out to you, i can soooo relate to your story and frustration. it's a far too familiar narrative--man loves woman, woman treats man like royalty (through devotion, character, childbearing, etc.), man gets bored & leaves woman, betraying her from some unthinkable vice (e.g., single life, skank GF, or whatever).
and our children suffer the worst! that's what i can't get. how do many of these "men" go from 24/7 dads to totally abandoning their responsibilities as my STBX has (disconnected himself from our twin DSs early june & has since told me that he's not going to pay a dime until the courts "make him pay" despite the fact that he makes $10K to $15K a month, has luxury cars, owns a business & a home & motorcycles and probably has purchased lake-front property and flies skank GF in and out of town allll the time, spends countless of money and time with her but SELDOM did that with me, was toooo busy playing golf, putting his friends priorities over ours & singing in clubs and going on trips out of the country with his single friends.
i KNOW it is difficult to "hang in there," but when you have bunchkins (in your case 6, awesome!), you must. my boys see me struggling day by day, and after just losing my $90K a year job this past friday, it's allll the more difficult and i scream "why!!" allll the time at the unfairness, at times it's unbearable and unthinkable how these men can just get off scott-free and live these seamless, happy lives, with no cares because they've left them to us. it's like they possess this entitlement spirit and abandon their former lives with no regard, as if alllll the years and history and memories mean absolutely nothing. it makes you think, "was it all worth it?" until you look at your children and say, "yes".
take one day at a time, get through it & give thanks, and know that this, too, shall pass & we will end up, eventually, victorious, successful, happy and outstanding role models in our children's lives, and can look back on these daze with a constant reminder in our heads "never again" ...
hugs!
Thank you. I keep going, day after day. Sleep is not something that I get a lot of, but I get enough thankfully. I just get so angry and hurt. Again H said how he just never wanted a big family and how he regrets getting married to me. I asked if he regrets the kids. He was silent and then said, "I never wanted a big family." I can't believe it. So I know, in my heart... this part time dad thing is a preference to a full time dad. So I sit and wonder, "Are there ANY men out there that care enough to be a FULL TIME dad?"
How do my boys grow up to be good dads if they have their father to model after? I pray that they see the truth for the LACK of the father they have and see that it is NOT how a father should be. I pray for that every day. I NEVER say anything to them, but I pray to God that they find the right path to being a good father. *sigh* I need a punching bag, maybe then I could start releasing some of this.
How do I get this anger out?