I could really use some advice - please!
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| Fri, 08-08-2008 - 11:00pm |
Background: I have been separated since 1999, divorces since 2002. I was awarded sole legal and physical custody in the divorce - for good reason. For several years ex had supervised visitation, then supervised drop off and pick up, finally regular visitation.
Now my kids are much older, the two oldest are 19 and 21, still have a 15 year old at home. Through the course of our divorce my ex did everything you can imagine to make life difficult including, but not limited to, calling cps, cutting off our electric and phone, verbally threatening me as well as in writing via email. Things had mostly settled down the last several years on that front but his relationship with his children still sucks because he just can't keep from screwing up.
This past spring my youngest, 15, happened across her father's My Space page. Her brother told her he had one although he had not been to it himself. I don't have a MY Space so I am not that familiar with them, however on the profile section the question was about kids and his response was "love kids but not for me" - obviously this upset her a great deal. Also he had posted pictures of his pets, one of which was the dog that had been one of our family dogs - I took one in the divorce and he took the other - apparently the dog died six months ago and he hadn't told her - she found out by seeing the obit on his My Space - again very upsetting. She had not been to visit her father since last Nov because he had not scheduled any visits - we live 3 hours apart - so she was unaware of the dog passing, but she talks to her father regularly on the phone and they also email each other.
Anyway, following this he wanted to schedule a visit and she did not want to see him. He has therefor decided to sue me for obstruction - of the one visit he had tried to schedule in 8 months! I did try to explain the situation to him, he has yet to address it with his daughter, just went straight to his lawyer and filed - haven't hear anymore requests for a visit.
But there is more to the situation, currently our oldest daughter, 21, is not speaking to her father. In fact she has programed his phone number in her cell phone as 'do not answer' so she doesn't a answer by mistake. This might give you an idea of the problems in the children's relationship with their father.
Well I just got a phone call from our dentist concerning a check they think I sent. I was so confused by the call that I just went to the office. Seems Blue Cross sent him a check for our oldest daughter's last visit and he signed the check and sent it to the dentist = sounds ok BUT he put Dd's name, address, and phone number on the outside of the envelope as if she had sent it and wrote a note to the dentist asking to set up a payment plan for the balance and signed our daughter's name to the note.
Could have sent the check to our daughter, could have sent it to me, could have done any number of things but this is how he handled it.
What would you do? What, if anything, should I do? Especially in light of his new court filing - the thing is my oldest daughter lives at home, so this does spill over into youngest daughter's life to a certain extent and it does make her reluctant to see her father. Especially since he will not address the hurt or pain he causes them. He will just stop calling for a time, then pretend nothing ever happened. The reason my oldest isnt speaking to him is because last year when there was another problem and she tried to tell him how it made her feel he just hung up on her.
Sorry I know this is long - please any suggestions are appreciated, even if you think I am somehow at fault - I need advice and maybe a reality check. It is so hard sometimes to be objective!




Tell him to go for it!
If he pursues court action, given the age of your daughter, the judge will want to talk to HER.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Thanks to everyone who responded. I have decided to write my lawyer a letter spelling it all out. I currently live 3 hours from the county in which we divorced so that is the most cost effective way to handle it. I will call her later in the week. I requested that she ask him to drop his latest filing or let me know about cross filing. If I go that route I will be asking for damages to cover legal fees and travel expenses as well as paying for the personal days I have to use. (I only get 4 personal days since I am a teacher and I need those days to get DS back and forth to college.) Don't know how it will play out - can't believe he could even file without any evidence to back up his assertions. Sadly I do have evidence to back up mine so I guess I'll just have to wait it out. I wasn't sure if the latest event, forging his oldest dd's signature, was important or not - hard to keep perspective sometimes as he tends to do several things in a row when he is on a roll.
Anyway, as far as I can tell he hasn't asked for another visit, he hasn't called at any rate. I know he has emailed youngest dd, but she really doesn't like to feel in the middle so I haven't asked her about the emails. Pretty much figure anything he sends to her is between her and her father and can't be used against me since it wasn't addressed to me. If it is upsetting to her she will share it with me otherwise I do try to stay out of it. He puts her in the middle enough as it is. Besides if he is asking her about visits and she isn't telling me, which I doubt, that will tell the judge something too won't it? He has asked to be referred back to the Office of Family Court Services, and if that request is granted youngest dd will have to talk to the psychologist and the judge. Won't he look stupid then! Especially considering what an accomplished young woman his dd has become and how little he has chosen to be involved in her life!
Today I am off to drive down and care for 'his' aging, disabled parents, a whole day event as they live 3 hours away also. Kind of ironic since he hasn't done a thing to help them and is lashing out at me again!
Anyway, thanks to every one who responded - sometimes a girl just needs some new eyes on the situation and by now I already know what my friends and family would say - they aren't very objective at this point!
I'm not sure how your email provider works... but since I'm the primary on my account... and my children have secondary accounts... I can have a copy of all of their mail sent to MY mailbox... if I want to :-)
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Thanks for the info. My kids have hotmail accounts so I don't think I could access even if I wanted to. Given that my youngest is 15 I don't want to look into her email without her knowing it. Partly because I trust her to do the right thing. I know it sounds naive but she has a pretty good head on her shoulders and this account is just between her and her father. He has hacked into the kids accounts in the past - another reason why I wouldn't access it in secret - and had destroyed their trust which is why this particular email is just for him - if he somehow hacks in he will only see emails to and from him.
Yesterday I went down to care for his elderly parents and let me just say it has given me a new appreciation for being divorced! When I saw how his father treated his mother the whole day I left thinking Thank God I left this man because in 30 years that could have been us. You wouldn't even believe the things I saw yesterday. I tried to call social services in VA today and the people I spoke to were speechless! I have decided that they are all just totally nuts and I just won't worry about the filing, other than to request he pay all of my fees since there is no basis for the filing. I realized yesterday that some people - especially abusive people - just have a different reality than the rest of us. I think the judge will see that, and if he doesn't I think I can deal with it. Our youngest dd is almost 16 - so 2 more years and he won't be able to file anymore orders. When we last did child support, when our son graduated from high school, we also put an end date on child support for my youngest. In MD he only has to pay until 18 and high school graduation, since youngest dd will graduate at 17 his obligation will end when she turns 18 the following fall. I had thought this was the end of our legal wrangling. Guess he still needs to vent. If I can get the court to agree that he pays my legal expenses I will just wait it out. I realized yesterday that I have a pretty good life and I don't need to give him anymore power over me. I live 30 min from the beach, I can take summers off if I want, I love my job, the kids spend 99% of their time with me, and I am happy and healthy. He can't say any of that so I can be patient and just trust the judge to see him for what he is.