I decided to leave, just have to endure this hell until I can move out!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2008
I decided to leave, just have to endure this hell until I can move out!
4
Sat, 02-22-2014 - 1:43am

As you can see from my earlier post in this board, I was very distraut, and still am.  However, after reading all the responses, I realized that yes, I do need to leave.  He is placing all the blame on me and it's not healthy for m"e to be with him.  It's not getting better and he's not willing to go to counseling again or change his behavior.  He drinks very heavily and I believe he is also an alcohlic.  I feel beaten down and depressed staying here with him.  I feel guilt for my past mistakes because he keeps reminding me of them and I feel like there is something wrong with me because I cannot make our marriage work.  He sleeps in the second bedroom and won't touch me.  Today I said, hey, let's do something fun together.  He said he didn't feel good and instead spent the evening outside walking around with an open alcoholic beverage and came home drunk.  :(  (he does this a lot)

I read "The Verbally Avusive Relationship" and discovered that he actually has been verbally abusive since the start of our marriage.  It has only escalated throughout the marriage and now it is at an extreme level.  I did not recognize it.  Reading that book was a real eye opener!  He was physically abusive one time but of course blamed it on what I had done to make him that mad.  And I blamed myself!  I need to get out of that kind of behavior.  I am going to counseling. 

I have a plan to move out and go live with my sister and then have him served with the divorce papers.  I found a lawyer I like and am going to follow through with it.  I hope I can stay strong during this time.  I get that scared feeling that if I leave I will never find anyone else who will love me but then I think, "this isn't a loving relationship."  I have to remember that.  He hasn't been supportive of me after my sexual assault or when I was having major emotional problems (later diagnosed as bipolar) when we were living separately (he's in the navy).  When I called him telling him I felt like the sky was collapsing on me and couldn't sleep he didn't tell me to see a doctor.  Instead he said "are you trying to ruin my day?  I'm trying to enjoy myself and you have to call me and try to ruin my day."  It was awful to be yelled at like that when I was already feeling unstable.  I think divorce is the only option. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

I'd like to congratulate you for accepting the fact that you're in a bad marriage, and it has to end.  Don't feel bad that in the beginning you didn't recognize the verbal abuse for what it was.  Most women don't.  I went thru it and didn't understand what was happening to me either.  Unfortunately, you're still trying to minimize some of his behavior.  Don't "think" he's an alcoholic, understand that he IS an alcoholic.  That doesn't excuse him, but it does explain his behavior.  He has his own demons, and the alcohol numbs those feelings for him.  Unfortunately, it also causes the abuse.  Abusers, whether it's physical or verbal, ALWAYS blame the victim.  That is their way of making their victim feel as badly as they themselves feel.  I would strongly suggest that you have yourself evaluated again re: being bi-polar.  There are too many doctors that will push medication rather than find the real reason behind a person's unstable behavior.  Who wouldn't go from happy to unhappy in a heartbeat when their partner changes from moment to moment?  Now you're scared you'll never find anyone ELSE who will love you?  You haven't YET found someone who will love you.  In any case, you need to learn to love yourself, because even if you did once, you no longer love yourself because you've been so beaten down by your soon to be ex......he's brainwashed you into thinking you're a worthless person.  You know very well that you're not!  And once you love yourself, you will realize that you don't NEED another person to make you feel good.  No one wants to be alone, but many people are, and they are very happy........we make our own happiness, we don't need another person for that.  Just waking up and knowing that today will be a good day......no one will call me names, no one will make me feel bad.....I will have a wonderful day today!  Gather together all your important papers, and just DO IT.  Get out, do not leave a note, do not tell him what you're doing or where you're going.  Just GO.  Talk to the lawyer, and do NOT talk to him.  Don't answer his phone calls, don't reply to his emails or texts.  He needs to talk to a lawyer of his own.....or not.  You can't tell him what to do anymore than he can tell you what to do.  He will try to be nice, he will promise you the moon, and as soon as you move back with him, it will start again.  Be STRONG, and do it.  You have to work a little to get to the wonderful life you have ahead of you......good luck. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Good luck.  It's good that you have your sister to take you in until you can figure out what to do.  Being alone is still better than being with someone who is verbally abusive to you.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010

I know this is all very hard for you but I agree with the others. You know its not healthy or safe for you to be in this situation. Like the others said, don't tell him what you are planning to do. All the advice fissatore gave you is right on. I think you're making a wise decision to move back East where your sister and friends live. You need the love and support and familiar surroundings where there are no bad memories will make it easier for you to move on and heal. The farther away you are from him, the better.

Don't even think you will never find someone who will love you. You most definitely will and it will happen at a time when you are ready, emotionally and physically. You're taking control of your life and happiness; be proud of yourself! I wish you the very best!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2014

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