I DIDNT LISTEN :( ................

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
I DIDNT LISTEN :( ................
9
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 4:26pm
Well i didnt listen.. to anyone... i went with my heart and asked my husband to make it work with us again... ( im the one thatis 24 ,found and email after daughter was born to another girl saying he had feelings for her, and the one that fights constantly with her husband, because i hate that he treats me like a dog and yell at him, im the one who slapped him and hit him because he called me a whore, im the one who's husband said he married me for unknown reasons , anbd that he no longer loves me and doesnt know if he ever did, with a 1 year old daughter and 2 months pregnant ....the one who's susband works night shift and i work day shift ... dnt know if you all recall.?????
wwell i said i was gonan be strong and i left to my parents house and then i called him back begging him to take me back.. why do i have no self asteem ????
and he said he would, made an appointment again with a counelor this weekend. well things got even worse (if thats even possible) he stared to get meaner and meaner... he wouldnt do things with me, he would only get close to me when he wanted sex. he said he only had sex with me because he was a guy but not out of love... ughhh
we ended up arguing again because i wanetd to go to the pool with my daughter and i asked him if he would liek to go and he said hge was plannign to go anyways but that he just wanted our daughter to be there. said i couldnt come because he needed time alone" yeah i neever see him!!!)
well things escaladed, said he didnt love me again... and said he only said he would work it out with me because i "wouldnt shut up" but that he was not planning to work on our marriage . i got soo hurt , i ended up smackign him in the face again... and he got so angry he grabbed my arms and through me on the floor. i hit the crib (mind you im 2 1/2 months pregant, but he didnt care, i dotn even think he wats this baby) then gabbed my face and shook it while i was on the floor crying... and said " he didnt hit me" do i have to have blood comming out??? i know it was my own fault because i hit him, but geeze im pregnant!!!!
i dotn knwo what to do.. he is so evil to me and still i find myself consumed over the thought of being divorced. i still love him as crazy as that sounds... i dotn want a divorce... he told me today that he hated me and wished i never would of crossed his path :(
and that the only good thing out of me was his daughter.... oh and that i am a terrible mother and he wished the kids would be all his because i cant care for them,... omg i am a great mother,,, i took care of her all by myself for almost 3 months while he was in iraq! i feed her, i change her, i read to her, play with her and wake up with her at night. he thinks because he is babysittign her durign the day for 3 months he is a better mother than me :(
i dont knwo what to do... this actually came as a schock since he was looking liek he would come around. but he didnt... didnt even give us the chance to go to counseling in 4 days!!!! thats all i wanted.. i kept coming back because no matter what anyone else said, i wanted to know i did all i could for this marriage with out running away like a coward! i needed to say" i did all i could and this marriage failed because he wanted it to fail, no tme... i want to be okay siging those dreaded papers for him.. still ith how i was soo nice to him, lettign him walk all over me, lettign him call me names and not saying anythign liek an idiot... i was walking on eggshells around him and still he was mean to me everyday, he would say " what are you doing here" when i tried to go to her room and they were both playing together :( he was hurtfull. still i dotn feel like i did eveyrhting,.,,, yet he wont let me do all i could.. its hard to try with a man who tells you your stupid and ugly every day. he went as far as saying i was ugly this morning. the mother of his children!!!!! i dotn knwo what to do... i want us to be a family still... i know how pathetic is that???? i want my kids to grow up in a home with both parents. i dotn want a divorce!!!! im just not strong at all anymore... i let him run me over!
i need help!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 6:10pm
then go get help! Call a pastor, a chaplain, a therapist. You need to get help getting yourself back together and ready to deal with this. I understand not wanting kids to come from a divorced family but it doesn't look like you have any choice. BELIEVE ME, divorce is much better on your kids than what they have now. You do not want them to think this is ok. It is so hard for those of us that took our vows seriously and entered marriage sincerely to understand and deal with partners that didn't. You have to realize though that what you are doing now isn't changing anything about your life. You have to DO something. Please seek counseling so that you can take charge of your life again and teach your children how to stand up for themselves and demand what they deserve from life!! Come back as often as you need!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 1:45pm
I also think YOU need to get some individual counseling! Twice in your post you mentioned that you hit/slapped your husband. If H is looking for any good evidence to help his lawyer in getting full custody... there it is! All he has to do is call the police next time you lose control and slap him. That is assault! It is a personal crime! It would be on your record! And it could very well be used against you in a custody trial! The fact that he pushed you away and you fell... could be looked at as self defense on his part since it happened while you were hitting and slapping him! No matter how much what he says hurts... don't lose control, again! You could be playing right into his plan.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 4:32pm

Yes you do need help. YOu need to go to counseling. I'm not going to be gentle here. You don't have an self esteem. YOu have anger issues. YOu shouldn't ever hit ANYONE. EVER!! And its not a healthy environment to be raising children in if you are hitting him and he's calling you hateful names in front of the children. Walking on eggshells, letting him call you ugly and hateful names is not being "nice" to someone its being a doormat.

Get yourself into counseling and get your self esteem, you are not going to teach your children any dignity and self reliance or self worth by allowing anyone to treat you in this manner, this is not what marriage is about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2006
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 9:03pm
Greetings all
I just read the posting about the young lady who is obviously treating her like she is the dirt under the grass. First off, I am praying for your strength; if nothing else you need that to keep you going and from what I understand you have a child that you need be strong for. Second off; I would encourage you to focus on things you like. Maybe I missed it because I am new but do you have any really close friends/family that you could honestly confide in? Try hanging out with them and talking to them about YOU not you and him but YOU and the kid(s) perhaps. Third, make a list of all of your favorites. Chances are if you "love" this guy this much you probably really dont know who you are. Sit and write down everything from your favorite song to color and then try to look at new ways to incorporate those favorites into your everyday living. Fourth, consider counseling for you. Thought it was taboo but it works. Fifth; visit Joel Olsteens website and listen to his downloads; his messages are christian based but they focus more on showing you your worth instead of making it specific to GOD. LASTLY; take god with you- dont know what your religious preference is or if you even have one but I would encourage you to focus on your spirituality. In my personal experience I had known God all my life but during my seperation which is now midstream divorce I have come to know him intimately. FOCUS ON YOU AND YOUR BABIES; I can say these things because i have been there done that got a t-shirt and its too small! Live for today not tomorrow and its obvious that he isnt worthy of being part of either.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 12:00pm
Get out! It sounds like you don't love YOURSELF first. Start taking care of you, and don't listen to him. And for goodness sakes, no matter what, don't touch him. You can be arrested too. I know I can get angry too, especially when someone is treating me poorly, but my brother (a deputy) said NOT to hit, slap, etc. You can be arrested for that, even if you are provoked and smaller. My s-i-l (an attorney) said that I would lose my teaching license too. Don't let that jerk ruin your life! Get some counseling, move in with friends/family, read some books on self-help, and make a life with your children. Take care of yourself! I know it's hard. Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 3:48pm
I know, i know everyhting you guys are saying! i regret touching him so much!!!! i just need to get my anger under control... its not even with anyone else, like friends, family my children.. it's just him that makes me so mad i just felt i had to slap him! no excuse in any way... im just saying how i feel. i just cant stand how someone that vowed to love you , would call you these nasty names, say sleeping with you is "just sex" make a child and another one on the way with false motives... in a way is what im saying.. like if he knew "he didnt love me" why would he ask me to marry him and have kids??? i just dont get it! i am so hurt... the thing that i have been thinking about these past few days since we have been "technically" been seperated is that he is trying to say he is divorcing me because im a mean and negative person , when the fact is ... the reason he told me he wants a divorce is simply because he diesnt think he loved me enough to marry me and did it anyway because he was scared of going overseas and not expiriancing marriage if he were to die !!!! im not even a negative person..he is wierd! he doesnt know the meaning of being negative and "putting someone down" like for instance today ... he called me at work and said he needed to do something and i simply said " mayeb you should wait until i get home because i dont think they allow kids in there " then he starts yelling , saying that im a mean and nasty negative person and that i didnt have to "put him down" what!!!! how did i put you down i asked? and he said because i said "they didnt allow kids in there so that meant i told him that he couldnt do it" ...omg i didnt even put him down! and he said well that is why i cant stand to be around you anymore i dont want to be around your negativity.. did that sound crazy to anyone else??? i was shocked that he thought i put him down.. and this is how it always is... i cant tell him " i dont think this is the way it is " or i dotn think they will do it" because im automaically putting him down!
i just wont be able to live with myself , if alllll of this was my fault! , im tryign to move on and live with the fact that he doesnt love me and never really did, but its quite another to live with guilt! i cant have this marriage go down the drain because of me... he has embeded it my head that it's all my fault!
i cant save this marriage on my own either wich makes me feel liek a failure!
people are telling me that maybe a seperation is what we need and that maybe later in a few years well go back together....but i highly doubt that!
1. he doesnt love me , i dont think he ever did
2. he told me he will never be happy with me, and that he missed the single life! ( aghhh he thought of that now.. now that were gonna have 2 babies!)
i kept my appointment with the councelor so we'll see how it goes tomorrow....
thanks ladies... you guys were brutally honest, but i really apreciated that.. i needed to hear the truth!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 4:10pm
oh and one more thing....
i never have to worry about him doing anything over the fact that i slapped him, because even pregnant... he slepped me, banged my head on the wall and threw me on the floor. i didnt mention that part i guess when i wrote that i smacked him when he walked up and down the hallway calling me a whore and a slutt and said that i was stupid and crazy!
i still feel terrible about it though, but i dont have to worry about beign arrested simce he did hit me back.
ughh such a bad invoroment to be in , especially with a 1 year old and another one on the way.
i know all this,,,, so today i applied for our very own place!
im still sad...but i have no choice, i guess i cant stay married to myself and work on it on my own hu...
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2006
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 4:29pm

I am new to this board but I have been reading the post for weeks now. I am going through my second divorce with three kids and my second husband was verbally abusive for 6 of our seven years. I didn't want my kids growing up in a divorced household esp. my first child b/c this would make it his second, so I stuck it out for 6 long miserable years. Let me tell you they get meanier and nastier as time goes on. It does get worse. Get away from him and be around people who love you. At the end my ex has allianted me from my family and friends so it is truely just me. Please believe me no one deserves to be treated the way he is treating you. And as the kids get older they were learn to have anger issues growing up in a house full of fighting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 11:48pm

You are in an abusive relationship. All people at one point or another cant beleive that they are. Many times they KNOW that they are on the surface, but dont really want to ACCEPT it. It is quite painful to accept (BTDT).

Most abusers are cut from the same cloth. They have identical characteristics. One of the top ten is never taking resposibiltiy for their own actions and behaviors and failures. But, they need soemone else to blame. I'm sorry he picked you to blame. It's your choice to take it or not. Turn your skin into butter. Let that guilt and blame slide off you. After awhile I promise, (if you work at it), you will see the situation you've been in in a different light and no guilt (unless valid) will be yours to feel. In fact, I guarantee it.

Hang in there. Focus on your future not your past and you will be fine. It takes time, but you'll be there. Think of it like huge piles of laundry. You could just shut the laundry room door and 'ferget about it' or your can start with the first load. If you choose the first option the pile just gets bigger.

Hugs,
Jan