I didnt take the bait, YESSSSSSSSSSS

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
I didnt take the bait, YESSSSSSSSSSS
5
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 9:25am

Well this is a small victory for me. Saturday, ex got ds for a makeup visit.

DS came back home and while changing his clothes he said "janeal hit me" ex's girlfriend. I asked him what? He said it again and I said what happened? Nothing. So I took a few deep breaths, calmed my initial anxiety and ofcourse called ex. Here's how the conversation went:

He answered and I said hi, did anything happen today that ds has to be disciplined? He thought then said he told him to stop turning the bubble machine they got him towards his face. He asked why. So I said well he just told me janeal hit him. So I wanted to know what happened. Ex starts laughing. Now Im not amused at him laughing but I didnt say anything. He said let me talk to him. DS didnt want to talk to him. I told him, he said put him on the phone, again ds didnt want to talk. So I got back on the phone, he's telling me she didnt hit him then he's telling her in the background and they are laughing again. So I said well in the future when he needs to be disciplined do we agree that only you and I will do so. He's starts telling me he doesnt have to dicipline him. He never misbehaves. So I said ok but in the future when the discipline needs to happen do we agree that only you and I will do it. Now he's arguing with me how he dont know about me but he doesnt and wont have to dicipline him. Next time he'll videotape ds and gf for me to see how he is with her. I said look that wont be necessary, Im not accusing her Im just asked. Still trying to argue so I said I tried having a civil conversation with you and you refuse so I'll put it this way: She isnt to lay a finger on him! Goodbye! I hung up.

My phone rings a bit later, I answered, it was him. He said unless you see bruises dont say sh-t to me and he hung up. My first urge was to call him back. But I caught myself, took some deep breaths and didnt. YES! I didnt take the bait. Dont you know he called me back. Ha! I didnt answer, He called back again. I still didnt answer.

Later SHE called. I didnt answer. She left the following message: Hi, addressed me, this is Janeal, (ex) said it wasnt necessary for me to call but I felt it was. We've had our ups and downs, whatever, whatever but I just wanted you to know that under no circumstances I think its okay to dicipline ds as far as hitting him. I would never put my hands on him. He's so well behaved. As soon as you tell him something in the calmest voice he stops. I dont think he should be hit at all. I just wanted you to know that, bye.

I called her back and explained I wasnt accusing her but I had to ask about it. Just as if it were the other way around ex would ask. She said ofcourse. I told her I believe we all want whats best for ds and I told her ex took it to a place it didnt have to go and he makes it almost impossible to have a civil conversation. She agreed with me on things I said, and said maybe with time things will get better. I agreed and said thanks, I'll see you guys next week. That was it. Dont know if her and i just began some sort of I dont know what. But she seems to be more reasonable than him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 10:07am

YAY! FOR YOU!!!

Is your DS in counseling??? If not you might consider putting him in some counseling. He could be making up stories for attention which isn't entirely uncommon during stressful times.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 10:24am
He isnt in counseling but here's what I think is happening. See he has a rare neurological disorder which can cause developmental delays. He was/is delayed in some areas of his development which he gets therapy for. So now he's starting to vocalize alot more. I think he gets confused when trying to understand some things or put some things together. For example yesterday when drinking some juice he was hopping around and some of it spilled on him and he said, ow he hit me. So I said who hit you and he said the juice hit me. It was so cute. But I explained to him the juice didnt hit him it spilled on him. There was a time when my niece popped his hands for something he did and he told me tiffany hit me and it was true, she did pop his hands. So I believe he just needs time to actually understand the differences. That's the hard part when he says it at times he has been right so it's a bit scary. But the nerve of my ex to get so defensive about his gf. What a jerk.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 11:38am

kudos to you for not rising to the bait!! isn't it great!!?? i remember the first time that happened to me --- it was such an EMPOWERING feeling.

as for the hitting, the gf, your ex: the important thing is your DS. it sounds like your ex's gf does have your DS's best interests at heart, and it sound like she understands him which is important.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 11:50am
Yeah. That's all I care about. It must kill ex though that her and I can at least so far get along. In the beginning he made things so uncomfortable and made it all about him. I dont want him, he's a loser and she got him.
Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 8:59pm

I'm really proud of you for not taking the bait... I'm also thrilled to hear that your x's gf cared enough to call and leave that message... your x may have said it wasn't necessary, but it did speak volumes ~for her~

I'm glad to hear that she was responsive during your conversation with her and she could see how escalated things can get, without there really being a need. Hopefully this is a nice start to a better relationship between you and her, since she seems to have your ds' best interests at heart!

*hugs*

Julie