I don't know how to get on with my life

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2007
I don't know how to get on with my life
4
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 5:22pm
I have been married for 12 1/2 years. There have been rocky times no doubt. On New Years Day my husband went out to watch football with the guys. He came home intoxicated and long story short he shoved me into a door and slapped me across the face. Our daughters witnessed this. I told him to leave and then I called the police. I can't let my girls grow up to think that behavior is acceptable. He was arrested for domestic violence. We were in marriage counsling. I wanted to work through this, but my husband wants a divorce. We are now going through the motions to get it done and this is just killing me. I love this man so much, and I don't want a divorce. Just a short time ago I was having Christmas with my family and now here I am facing a divorce that I don't even want. I am still in such shock that any of this has happened. Each day feels as miserable as the one before. There seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel. Does it ever get easier? Does the pain go away? I feel like a failure, the rejection is just awful.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2006
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 5:42pm
Oh my goodness my heart goes out to you and your kids. I was also married for about the same length of time you were. I think that although it is the most difficult thing to do you have to let go. You do not want a divorce but he does. You did the right thing calling the police and showed your children that you deserve better than that. You also showed them how to be strong and courageous and to stand up and do the right thing. It is hard to do I can only imagine. Now you have to follow through with the lesons you have taught them. You are a good person who deserves to be loved and respected. He did not respect you or he never would have done what he did. Although it will take time and maybe more counselling you will move on with your life. Someday you will be able to look back on this and know that you got through it and that you are better and stronger for it.
I hope you have a good friend or family member who is helping you through this. It is so important to have a shoulder to lean on! You know you will find support here. Wishing you and the kids much love and happiness. It will come. I didn't believe I could survive the hurt either and now I am almost happier than ever. I am still struggling through my divorce and the custody of my kids. I see the light at the end of the tunnel so to speak and I know that once I get there I will be free to let go of the past and move forward. I know it seems tough and I have really bad days when I don't even want to get out of bed but for my kids I will keep moving forward. I hope you can to. You deserve so much better. You sound like a great person and a very loving mother. Your kids are blessed to have a mother like you.
Best of luck,
Hugs,
Kel
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2007
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 6:31pm
Thank You for the kind words. If it weren't for my kids, I would have given up. I just can't believe this is all happening to me and my girls. I do have my best friend that I call all the time and great support at my church. Everybody tells me that God has a plan for me, and normally I would believe that, and I would be the first one giving that advise to somebody else, but I guess since I am in the thick of this, it is really hard for me to see a plan. It is hard for me to wrap my brain around the thought that this man I have loved so much can hurt me so badly and just walk away and not want to work on our marriage. It is all puzzeling. I keep replaying in my head all of our good times & the things we will never do again or share as a couple - graduations, weddings, grandbabies. And the thought of him ever dating or being involved with another woman is just so painful to think about. I hope you will continue to write to me. I hope someday at can be at the point you are.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 6:44pm

Dun,


You did the right thing by defending yourself and calling the police. There's no reason for a man to hit a woman, especially his wife, alcohol or not. I suspect he's overreacting to your willingness to stand up for yourself. I'm curious about the comment you made about being in marriage counseling. Was he previously abusive? Was he willing to work on the marriage as long as you didn't challenge him in any way? The answers to these questions might reveal more long-standing issues than you know.


Divorce does suck. Period. It's a very painful rejection, no matter how "justified" it feels or whether or not you initiated it. The truth is, the person who initiates a divorce is usually emotionally farther down the road than the person who is left. It may be your husband had decided to give counseling a try but he'd already decided to divorce you. The final straw for him might have been your willingness to push back when he was violent.


Don't blame yourself. It does get better but it takes time. My advice is to take one day at a time. The pain is awful and it's very difficult to process. But, you will find it gets better as time goes by. In the meantime, your husband needs help and I hope he gets it.


Good luck.

Wisdomtooth2020

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2006
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 2:24am

Wow, this is very similar to my own situation. We were together for 6 years and my ex-husband punched me, choked me, etc. He was also arrested and then divorced me. He is not allowed to have contact with me, and even if he could have contact he probably would not, he blamed me for "ruining his life, blah, blah, blah". It was an awful feeling because I knew the truth, I knew what he did was wrong, but yet I somehow felt badly about it, like it was partly my fault.

That was 7 months ago and I am working hard on trying move on, it's been slow but it's going. Our house is about to sell, and I am starting a new job. I try to focus on the positive as much as I can. It's hard sometimes, I still miss him and love him but I know being with a man who would do that to me is not right. I hope you are able to see this at some point, too.

I would be happy to communicate more if you like, did you post this on the domestic violence board, too?

Hugs,

E