I don't know what to do !!
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| Sat, 07-21-2007 - 8:39pm |
Hello ,
I'm new to these boards and I really need some help. I've been married for 15 years but I can honestly say i've never been happy.We have 3 kids together ,which range in ages 7-14.
It's been chaos with my Husband since day one. He use to be verbally abusive and borderline Physicaly abusive towards me.
One night 3 years ago ,he lost his temper towards me and the kids .I had enough of it and told him that we will go to marriage counseling or I wanted a Divorce.
We went through counseling for about 5 months and I thought things were getting better but then we stopped. The counselor thought it would be a good idea if we taper off the sessions.
He was not abusive anymore but also I felt like so much water has gone under the bridge that after so many years ,I began to feel numb. He was not the involved Husband and Father I had hope he would be . He isn't anything like I need him to be and I think even if he changed completely today that it most likely wouldn't matter a whole lot. I do care for him but I want different things than he wants. We are so different and not compatible . I am really big on family life and he really isn't . It bothers me . He use to tease me all the time about how he hated it when I was pregnant and he tells the kids all the time that he doesn't want any more kids etc. He had a vasectomy a while back and I was fine with that because I knew I wouldn't want to have more children with him based on the fact that I know he isn't the Fatherly type . I have always yearned to have another child though.
I told him today that I was considering divorce and he practically broke down and said he would be destroyed and that he doesn't want to go a night without seeing the kids etc. He made me feel so guilty . How do I deal with this ? I don't want to have years fly by and feel like i've wasted so many years .
He was set to go out tonight with his friends and I thought since he was so upset earlier ,I was surprised that he still went out. That's typical . I feel like if he cared THAT much,he would have stuck around . I am in turmoil,he makes me feel guilty about it but yet I know if I stay with him,I won't be happy. I will only long for something else.
Any advice,would be greatly appreciated !!!!! Is what i'm feeling normal and if so ,how do I move forward ?
Thank you !!
M

Hello! First of all, yes, what you're feeling is perfectly normal. Deciding whether or not to get a divorce is a major decision. I am divorced and was like you. I kept thinking do I stay in a bad marriage or move on? I didn't have any kids, though, so I only had me to consider. In your case, there's so much to think about since you have kids. I guess you have ask yourself will you and your kids be happier in the long run without your husband's abusive ways? Most likely you will. If you do divorce him, it will be very hard at first, but from what you've typed, it may be well worth it.
Do you have any friends or family members you can talk to about this? That may help.
As far as your husband saying he doesn't want to go a night without seeing the kids: I would have a long discussion with him about this and explain to him that you need a healthy marriage with him and want him to be involved with his family in order for the marriage to work.
Good luck!
Michelle
Hi Moonandstars12,
I understand how it feels to have something big happen like that and have a husband that doesn't let anything stop him from going out with the guys anyway, so I do think your feelings are very normal.
I also know what it's like to deal with verbal abuse, and am glad to hear that your husband was able to stop with that, but it is sad that he still doesn't seem to get what marriage and family is about. A lot of guys need guy time and that's fine as long as what they're doing isn't illegal, or immoral, and is within a balance that works for you marriage. I think for any marriage to work, the marriage has to come first though, no matter what.
Even without verbal abuse, having a spouse who neglects his relationship and family is very hurtful, especially when you are at the opposite side of that spectrum.
Do you think going to counseling again would wake him up? Or maybe you could consider just a separation for now, plus counseling, but holding off on the decision of whether you think divorce really is the only answer. Maybe divorce will be inevitable, but a separation is a huge thing in itself and maybe it would be enough to really make him take you seriously, and for him to want to make some more real change.
A few more months wouldn't make that big of a difference in the larger picture of things, but I can see why you wouldn't want to let any more "years" fly by with you so unhappy. I just think if he truly got past being abusive that there may be hope for him to get the rest of the picture and be able to pull off some more real change. You may feel that you couldn't get the feelings you had back again right now, but if he is in a situation where he finally realizes he has to make more changes, he may be able to so so and even help heal the past hurts.
You didn't say if he is a drinker, but so many times, excess time with the guys does involve drinking. Even if the drinking doesn't inhibit him from keeping down a job or anything like that, it doesn't matter, it can still affect you and your relationship in many adverse ways.
If it does usually involve drinking, you may want to also consider finding an Al-anon support group - not to save him from himself because no one can save anyone else that way, but to help you with your own feelings of how it affects you. I actually think Al-anon could help anyone who is in a relationship with anyone else who is involved with any kind of addiction or excessive behavior.
As far as the guilt trips, don't let him control your decisions by putting that on you. Is he home every night with the children now as it is, or is he out with the guys some of those nights anyway? Is he really "with" them when he is home any of the time, or is he doing his own thing in his own world, stuck to the tv or something like that, totally ignoring anything and anyone around him all the time?
You may be best off, as far as the kids are concerned, if you try whatever you can to save the marriage and if it cannot be saved, to get to the point where you and your husband can make the decision mutually. You may then have a better chance to then be able to work with eachother on co-parenting your kids in an at least somewhat amicable way.
Keep telling him you are unhappy with the way it is - try to do so without anger, and ask him what he suggests you do since you are so unhappy. If he tries to make you think that it's your own problem or there is something wrong with you, don't buy into that. Whether a person is aware they are doing it or not, when they do that they are trying to control things and not realy having any compassion for their spouse's feelings, only their own.
In the mean time do some nice things for yourself, OK? Spend time with your kids and others who care about you who help you feel good, and do some things you really enjoy, and hang in there. You're not alone - there's a lot of us out here that truly do understand. Keep us posted.
Tgirl