I dont know what to do...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2002
I dont know what to do...
1
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 8:39am

ok I have told this story a few times on this board...

Divorced for 3 years in December - twin boys age 10

I/the kids have recieved 16.24 in child support EVER. Ex up until May of this year was showing up for his EOW. His license got suspended for non-pay of child support. He lives 200 miles away with his girlfriend who 2 months ago had a baby girl - his. He has not shown up to get the boys now since the middle of August. In the decree it states he is to provide transportation to and from for his visitation. Well he has no license now. HE asked his girlfriend to drive but she is only offering to drive part of the way. (She wont drive near the city (where I live) - she only drives in the country) He repeatedly has asked this of me and I always say no. Its your responsibility to get all the way here to see your boys. You pay no child support and take no fathering role in their lives at all. You do me no favors why would I do you one? Now you have to understand this is a man who takes advantage of people. If I were to drive tonight-- he would expect this as a on-going thing. He is manipulating the kids into thinking I am keeping him from them. I have told them that if dad showed up here to get you there is no problem for you to go see him. They are devistated...crying and I have turned into the bad guy. They dont understand why I cant compromise with dad. I know in my mind that what is right is my ex - doing what he should getting HERE to see his kids. Whats in my heart when I see the boys crying is a different story.
Please if you could help me sort this out I would greatly appreciate it.

MB

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 9:10am

Oh, I sooo hear you on this one. My STBX does a lot of the same thing where he wants me to do all the bending and compromising and he won't budge. However, I sometimes feel like I should just give in b/c I see my boys hurting so much (I have three under the age of 4).


How do your boys know what is going on? Has your ex told them that it's your fault that they cannot see him? If so then he's disparaging you to them and that is a HUGE no-no and he could lose all visitation and custody. If he is telling them this I'd just tell them that the judge said that he had to drive there and that you weren't supposed to drive to him and that would be in violation of a court-order (you'd have to decide how to word it so that it wouldn't be lying to them).


The way I see it (same as with my STBX) is that his relationship with the boys is HIS responsibility. If he was truly commited to seeing them and being a part of their lives then he would find a way to make that happen. I would under NO circumstances meet them half-way. If he was paying CS, then I might consider it, ONCE. It's his own fault that he lost his license, he did this to himself. If he was commited to seeing them he'd find a friend or other family memeber to get him there, he'd do whatever it took to get to his boys. Also, if you were to drive them half-way then what would you be teaching the boys? Yeah, they'd be happy for the moment, however, as they got older they would allow other people to treat them as their father treated you. Or, they may even treat other women as their father is treating you, either way it would be a tragic outcome.


Believe me, I know how hard it is to see your boys hurting. For quite sometime I would just bend to his will and do whatever I had to for him to see them. I'd cancel plans, change my work schedule, anything at all. Then, I talked to my therapist about it (she's also the play-therapist my boys see). She said while it was hard to see them upset that in the long run continuing to do this would have serious negative effects on them.


Well, I HTH! *hugs*

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