i don't trust him! he doesn't get why!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2007
i don't trust him! he doesn't get why!
3
Sun, 07-01-2007 - 12:45am
my long story.we were married 13yrs. were together for 6 before then. i left my family and good job for him. had our first child (unplanned) after 3yrs of being married. i was uncomfortable with my body after baby. he took it personal and started internet porn. escalated to online sex chats, phone sex and arranging meetings with local women for sex. when i first found pix on line he denied any wrong doing,"its just pix, don't mean anything". late nights till 2, 3 in the morning,"just doing work on computer, nothing else going on." get anonymous email from one of his meetings at my work. he finally confesses, says nothing happened, no affairs. started with pix and calls but at meeting could not go thru with it. when asked why, "she did not represent herself truthfully." he admitted to doing wrong, felt awful about hurting me so badly, went to counseling. after a few weeks, he felt we did not need it anymore. during that time i still had trust issues every time he got in front of computer. our marriage shaky but he assured me everything was fine. forced myself to trust him, it was my problem and i had to work thru it. 6yrs later we talk of having second child. i tell him that we had to keep communication open, did not want same thing to happen after first baby. we discussed us both being patient with each other. sex life good, but felt i wanted it more than he. get pregnant, move into new home bigger mortgage, he buys two new cars (against my wishes). my dad has heart surgery, my mom is diagnosed with cancer months later. she gets worse, cannot be with her due to my pregnancy. she passed away two years ago never meeting her new granddaughter. start to see him pull away after new baby. staying later at work, going to what he called "mandatory happy hours" (boss would be there). i'm stay at home mom with new baby, my mom just passed and my oldest gets diagnosed with adhd. he starts to pull away emotionally. when i approach him about it, i am the problem being to demanding, i don't trust him and i don't have real job like him with stress. keeps saying there is nothing going on, no one else, he still loves me. starts up with old habits. late nights on computer after i am asleep and early mornings before i wake. he says porn is stress reliever and does it to not bother me. catch him looking at web personals sites. he continues to deny. sex life starts to diminish, has trouble in bed. suggest doctor never goes. says not me, him. 9 months ago after week long business trip drops that we need to go to counseling. arguing too much thinks we need it. i agree go 3 times, says not helping, marriage over. doesn't love me anymore, didn't really know me when married me. stayed this long bc didn't want to hurt me. felt guilty about before and took what i dished out.didn't know that i just wanted to be stay at home mom. plead with him to try, doesn't want too. says he will move out bills will be paid, kids taken care of. house needs to sell. upset with me for him wanting divorce.i have to find job after years of staying home. told him will need to finish school for good job and money. will not be able to make ends meet alone. keeps saying he will help but i have to trust him. offers help but in return still wants to make my decisions (control me). explain i can't for obvious reasons. if i don't he will not help. he still wants to talk about his stresses at work, about how i am dealing with all this. trust needed in friendship too. can't do that when he shattered my heart, life and trust. says we have been together too long to cut off those ties. he just doesn't get it! am i wrong in feeling this way?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2007
Sun, 07-01-2007 - 1:18am

Hi gintx,

After years of being accused of "not trusting him", even though I had reasons not to, I see now that it was just another way for him to try to control me, shut me up, just do it his way. I beat my head against the wall trying to convince him of how much I did trust him, in hopes that he would then be happy with me, only to betrayed over and over. The issues were different ones than yours, but still - sneakiness and dishonesty breed distrust no matter what it's about.

Don't let him convince you that you are the one with the problem for not trusting him. I think that instinct is put in a person as a protective device for good reasons. Let it be his problem if he doesn't get why you don't trust him.

For anyone to renig on their marriage vows, when their spouse has stuck to them, to me is the ultimate betrayal, and I don't think it's realistic for the one walking out to expect anything at all from the one they are walking away from, especially trust.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2007
Sun, 07-01-2007 - 1:55am

PS: to gintx -

I know I said that you need to let it be his problem if he doesn't trust you, but I realize that is easier said than done. You have a lot to deal with ahead of you and the more I thought about it, the more it seems to me that you might need to make a very clean break away from him so he can't keep trying to control things.

My husband announced he wanted a divorce and walked out. I was devistated but did end up realizing, with my sister's support and advice, that I really needed to take some control, and although I didn't want the divorce I was the one to go and file for it. I knew I could change my mind if I wanted, or could at least put it on hold for up to 90 days if I wanted, so with that in mind I did it - to protect myself from his out of control spending and gambling, but also for my own emotional protection in some ways as well.

I have taken my time with many things, and did not let my husband push and rush me into decisions I wasn't ready to make. We did go through with the divorce though, and it has been final for a month. From the time he left - in January - to the time the divorce was final - end of May - I only taked directly with him a few times, and that was only on the phone. All of the other communication was by written notes, e-mails, voice mails, text messages.

He would have preferred for us to meet and "discuss" things, not hire any lawyers - do most of the divorce ourselves, and he would have liked things to go all of the ways that he thought they "should", but I refused to put myself in the position of letting him control me anymore. He too, still expected me to trust him. He expected that we could sit like "rational adults" and discuss things, after he hadn't been willling or able or whatever, to "discuss" anything like "an adult" for months and months, yet he expected that to be able to take place when I, like you, was devistated. Unreal. What world do some people's brains live in, huh?

I know that it will be harder for you to do it exactly like that, with young children involved, but maybe you can come up with some ways to have as little contact with him as possible so he can't make threats and try to control everything. You may be able to make much better progress without him scaring you into doing everything his way, which probably won't be in ways that are in your best interest. He has already shown you that he only cares about his own best interest.

A lawyer will watch out for your best intersts. They aren't cheap but I was very thankful I had one. Even if you have to borrow the money from someone, I think when you have a spouse that is so controlling, it is that much more important to have your own lawyer, and a good counselor, and of course all the emotional support from family and friends you can get too. I wish you the best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Sun, 07-01-2007 - 10:16am

NO, you are not wrong. Sounds like a real rollercoaster.

Yes, my stbx wants his cake and to eat it too -- looking for continued emotional support while he walks away from his family. Hurrumph.

You should meet with an individual counselor to sort it all out for yourself and decide how you want to handle this. Also, a couples person might help you and him sort out the money = control issues. My stbx murmurs along the same lines. If he says this stuff in front of an objective 3rd party he is likely to get called on it.

Get a lawyer; track your assets; plan and protect yourself. He will be obligated to provide at least your state scheduled support (spousal and child). There are online calculators, I understand.

Stick around here for support!

M