I feel like such an idiot.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
I feel like such an idiot.....
2
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 2:35pm

I almost screwed up really bad last night. SO and I haven't been on the same page lately at least ever since he is going on his trip to CO. It's been effecting our buisness relationship as well as personal.

So last night he calls to see if I want to go rent a movie. I said sure and got in the car thinking that we had resolved our issues from the previos night.I was still on the phone with him while going to the movie store when he starts bringing all this crap up again and starts yelling at me.(He never yells at me so I knew something was bothering him)

It turns out that he is actually going to Texas first then driving his mother back to CO. He wanted to keep it a secret to suprise me when he got off the plane and called me. He said he just wanted that breif moment of nobody else knew where he was. He knew it was selfish of him but it was the one moment he wanted for himself. I know it sounds lame but I completely understand and he now understands that keeping something like that from me doesn't go over well.

I was so hysterical when he told me that I hung up on him before he could explain. He called back twice before I could calm down enogh to talk to him. At one point I told him it would hurt me like he!! but if he wanted me to let him go I would do it. I feel so foolish now and I don't know how to make it up to him.

We have always had great communication until this. I think we have only had 3-4 blow ups since we have been together. Some of the tension was because he was keeping a secrete from me and he was having a hard time with that.

If anyone has some good "telling him I'm really sorry" advice I would appreciate it.

Thanks
K:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 3:33pm

ok wait.... so he is stoppin in Texas and wanted to keep it from everyone? Why? So he could "be alone".... and then when you found out about it he didn't think you would be mad?


ummmmmm, yeah.


My XH used to do this to me ALL THE TIME. Especially right before he left. One day I was home watching our son. His work called, they asked for him. I said noooooo, he should be at work. They said he had left early because he had worked so late the night before. ( which was true ) I said, ok, maybe he is on his way home. So I called his cell phone a billion times, he wouldn't answer. So I went next door and used our neigbors phone who happened to be his best friend. He answered. I FLIPPED. I was like, what are you doing? Where are you? He said, does it matter? He wouldn't tell me until i asked him a billion times. Then he said he was at a local park because he didn't have any money ( manipulation #1 because it was MY fault he didnt have any money ) and then he said he spent .75 on a paper and just needed some "alone" time. I believed it and thought OMG, my poor baby is all alone because he doesnt think he can talk to me about whatever is bothering him. I thought at that moment, what a terrible wife I was!


After that another instance happened where he was "working" late and I went out to eat with my mom. I bought him something take out and thought I would drive it over to his work for him. I felt bad that he was working so late. I got there and he wasn't there. I called his phone a billion times, he finally answered and said he was at a conservatory down the road from his work, again, for "alone time"


Both instances he was screaming at me because I DID SOMETHING WRONG.....in asking him what was up.


I think it was shortly after that that I found emails between him and OW. He was OBVIOUSLY flirting. He said he was looking for reasons to go to her desk. I confronted him about it and he said that OW knew someone in the office that knew something about his raise. That's why he wanted to go to her desk.


Well given the events of the next week after that, he left me for OW.


I guess what I am saying is that even to this day, XH gets mad when he gets caught doing something wrong and blames me for it. He gets SO ANGRY. Basically thats how I can tell if he is lying or not. He turns it around on me if it's his fault. Manipulation to the nth degree.


In my opinion, right or wrong, he was trying to get you to take fault for something he was trying to pull. Sounds fishy to me. Why would he want someone to not know where he is?


I understand what you are saying though, I understand what your feeling, because I felt the same way. I thought wow, who am I to question him, when I had damn good reason to question him. I know that now, but at the time I pined at his every move. Now I know better. The game doesnt work anymore.


I don't mean to sound like because my situation happened like the above that your situation is happening this way, but things are similar, my X even told me he was living in the car when he left me, later I found out he was living with her. But, it was MY FAULT he left ( of course ) and he was living in the car, with no shower and no bed..... yeah. ummmm, just be careful.


Hugs to you,


Angelena

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 4:04pm

Thanks Angie,

I completely understand where you are coming from. I also understand where he is coming from. His mother actually set up this trip to spend time with SO's son. They share the same b-day. She is driving her brother back to Texas and wanted SO to fly there and drive them back to CO where she lives. He has never done anything like this before that is why he was having such a hard time keeping it from me. We have always been honest with each other.

It just totally threw me off gaurd mainly because he mentioned his ex also would not knowwhere he was for that time either.It was the fact he mentioned her and me in the same breath that got to me. He just ment that she wouldn't know where him and his son were and that his son would also be able to call her and suprise her. Personally I don't see the harm in that but the fact that I wish I was going on vacation as well didn't make it go well with me either.

He really was sorry he kept it from me because he realized that my thoughts went really far and he might lose me by not being honest with me. He knew trust was about to deminish. We did end up spending the rest of the evening together. I panicked and so did he. Over all he is a really great guy. How many people do you know can work together every day , spend almost every waking hour with each other and not hate each other?

We also work in construction and not many men can deal with a woman on the job let alone be their partner. We just really had a moment when we weren't connecting.

Thank you for your thoughts.
K:)