I finally did it! Asked for the divorce.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2007
I finally did it! Asked for the divorce.
13
Mon, 01-07-2008 - 11:17pm
I've been seperated for two months and have known since then that there was no going back. However, I'd been completely unable to tell my husband that I was done completely and wanted a divorce. He wanted to work on things and though I really didn't want to anymore, I just could never look him in the face and tell him that. I still care for him but its been obvious for a long time that it wasn't going to work. I spent years trying, he only wanted to try after I left. There was nothing left in me to give. The last week I've been in misery knowing I really needed to tell him but no idea how, it just never seemed like there was a good time, and I believed I needed to do it in person.. My mom and a good friend both finally convinced me that it didn't need to be done that way. So I wrote him a letter last night, took off work today and edited. I finally went over and dropped it off at his place tonight. He should be getting it right about now. I don't know if I ever could have done it in person but I'm glad I've finally told him. I had to leave everything behind in order to leave him and I have a long road ahead to rebuild my life and I couldn't focus on anything with this hanging over my head. I know we still have to get through the actual divorce but this was the absolute hardest part. I've spent so much time worrying about him, that I couldn't move forward with my own life. I don't know what's going to happen now, but I'm glad I've finally told him what I need.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2004
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 3:48pm
lifebythebook-
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2007
Sun, 01-13-2008 - 12:19pm

Goodness! I wasn’t able to get back to the board this week and look at all the responses. Thank you! I can’t even begin to express how much all your advice and support means to me, though I’m sure you all understand because we’re all in the same boat.

Daweasel –

How long? Well that’s complicated, and depends how you look at it. It “only” took me 2 ½ months from the time I walked out to ask for the divorce. However, its been exactly a year now from the first time I said to him, “I don’t think this marriage can be fixed anymore”. It’s been a year and a half since the despondency of feeling like there was no solution set in. It probably took two months from the time I started telling others I’m going to leave to actually do it. It’s a process with many steps, and we all go through it at our own pace. It takes a lot of talking and working through it. I used this board, my therapist and my Mom and friends to get myself where I needed to go. I only talked to people who supported me about it. As for marriage counseling, no we did not do it. I would have, but because of our particular history (which I won’t go into now, its much too long of a story) I needed him to suggest it which he never did until about two weeks ago (two months too late).

It’s interesting what you said about getting the strength to do it. I’m going to go against the common belief here and say there is no strength involved at all. In fact, the strength comes from fighting the inevitable. It’s when you finally lose your strength to fight it, that you are able to do what you need. It’s about surrendering, not being strong. The strength will be rebuilt again later, after the deed is done, and will be there to see your through the details.

Belle130 –

It looks like Becca might have helped you a lot with your question. All I can add is don’t let yourself off the hook. You know you need to tell him, it will make things uncomfortable for you to dwell that all the time, but if you don’t you won’t build up the internal pressure it takes to finally take that hard step. Everything we do in life is because of some kind of pressure, especially the hard stuff. Tell people who will hold you accountable, set deadlines for yourself. Believe me, after you’ve let a couple of those deadlines go past and your friends keep saying to you “when are you going to tell him?” (in a kind way), you will eventually do it because you won’t be able to stand it anymore. You know what you need to do, make sure every step you take is directed towards that goal, even if you have to hold your breath and close your eyes sometimes as you take those steps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2007
Sun, 01-13-2008 - 12:29pm

Hi Becca,

I wanted to ask you a question in particular since you have some perspective from my husband's side of things. After giving him the letter, and telling him on the phone I meant it, he has asked me to give him more time, he said he wants more time to "get to know me" (a little insulting he had 8 years!) and though he knows it most likely won't work out more time might help him to accept it. My therapist has often suggested that some people go to marriage counseling to break up, and since he's finally suggested it I was wondering if maybe we went if it would help him to understand why (I at least believe) the marriage won't work and to let go? Do you think he's genuine in this and that it might really help him, or is he just desperate and willing to say anything to make me keep trying until it works out (he believes)? I know you can't know this, but would something like this have helped you or would it just have prolonged the pain? I'm willing to do it if it helps him, but if it's just likely to make him more bitter and angry later I wouldn't want that.

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