I finally went through with it

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
I finally went through with it
7
Sun, 04-22-2007 - 1:58am

I've been dating Steve for almost 11 months. We hit it off from the first. The more we got to know each other, the more I liked him. I have one daughter from a previous marriage(Lauren), he has 4 sons from previous marriages so our time alone on dates was slim--almost none. Mostly we spent time with all of our kids at each others houses, enjoying quiet time talking, etc. after they were in bed.

Unfortunately, he has another love--alcohol. Nearly every time we went out in public, he would get drunk--fall down drunk to the point of embarrassing both of us. I would always be his designated driver. I had strict guidelines he had to stay within--no drinking and driving and no drinking around the kids. For the past little while, I had noticed that his drinking was getting worse. When my daughter and I would go to his house, I could smell alcohol on his breath--but not to the point where any of the kids could tell. He has admitted he has a problem, but is unwilling to get help.

He treated me okay, but somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew I deserved better. Valentine's Day was nearly the breaking point. To make a long story short, he got drunk, we got in a fight and I almost ended it.

For the past couple of weeks, I had been thinking about our relationship. I knew there was a growing distance between us. We talked about it, but I felt like he was trying to make the changes I had asked him to for the wrong reason--because he felt he had to, not because he wanted to. I asked God to give me a sign on whether I should stick it out with Steve or if I should end things.

Throughout our whole relationship, Steve and I have agreed not to keep secrets from each other, to not cheat on each other. If we weren't happy, we would end things instead on cheating. We also keep each other updated on our schedules.

Tonight after work,I went over to his house, expecting him to have just arrived home from work. I find him plastered, working on his hunting camper in his back yard. I ask him how he got so much work done (didn't bother mentioning how he got so drunk) if he worked all day and he tells me that he's been on vacation for the last two days. I asked him why he did not tell me about his vacation. He said that he does not tell anyone when he goes on vacation; not his kids, not his exes, and not me. When the saw he's using doesn't work, I suggest using a different one. He tries a few times to get the other one to work, but it doesn't. That's when he gets mad and throws it. That was the first sign of any violence that I had ever seen in him. It was also my sign.

I helped him out for a while, trying to figure out how and when to break the news to him. After a bit we went inside. We sat on the couch, arguing. Then he passed out . I asked myself if that was how I wanted the rest of my life to go. Did I want someone like that to share my life? Could I subject my daughter to that type of life? The answer was no. I knew I had to break it off. I knew I would break both our hearts, but I have to love myself more. I could not wake him up myself so God stepped in again. His alarm clock started going off, waking him up. I took it as another sign. So I told him that I loved him, but I deserved more. He could not give me what I needed so I had to end our relationship. I could not live like that anymore. He tried to tell me that I blindsided him, but I told him that I think he knew that something wasn't right between us.

I know I made the right decision, but it still hurts. I think I'm still in shock. Part of me wants to go to him, but I know that's something I can't do. If he will stop drinking, I might take him back, but until then, no. I know that is something he will never do though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sun, 04-22-2007 - 3:37pm

Over,


It takes courage to end a relationship, especially one after a divorce. You did the right thing by saying its over with Steve. His first love is alcohol and always will be. (Anyone who refuses to admit there's a problem and therefore won't get help isn't going to change without serious intervention.)


You are worth more than this relationship had or would have given you. You're human so it's only natural to be sad about this being over. However, consider it an affirming

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 04-22-2007 - 8:53pm

I admire you so much! You are SUCH a strong woman. You don't need to go through more heartache in a substandard relationship. You've been through enough. I know it hurts terribly, but this is the right choice. You do not want to have to deal with a lifetime of untreated alcohol problems and all the misery that comes with it.

Hang in there. The first couple of weeks are the hardest. You'll start to feel better soon. You did the right thing!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
Sun, 04-22-2007 - 11:12pm
We have decided that we will be friends. I know it will be awkward at first. He knows he messed up and was inconsiderate pretty well through the whole relationship. He knows he needs help, but he's not willing to take that step. He says it's like someone who knows they need to lose weight, but they don't want to give up the chocolate to do it. He understands why I had to do it, but it still hurts us both. I still love him, but I love myself and my daughter more. I still can't keep from crying when I talk to him because I would love to feel his arms around me, but I know that I can't. I can hear the love for me in his voice, but I know that he doesn't love me enough to quit drinking and I can't accept any less. I know it will get better in time. Thank you for being here for me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 8:42am

Hi Overwhelmed,

I ended a relationship similar to yours a little over a month ago. We had been together for a year. I tried the friendship thing with him, but it didn't work. Because of how we felt about each other it slowly would go back to us being together again. So, you might have to drop contact for a while for you to give it closure. It's hard, but after a couple of weeks you start regaining your balance. There are times I really miss him, but then I think back about why I ended it and push myself back into reality.

Good luck to you and you are making the right decision.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 4:04pm

overwhelmed

you did the right thing. as you know, i just ended my 20 year marriage to an alcoholic. it will never get easier or any better unless the alcoholic recognizes the illness and seeks help.

peace and prayers to you. you will survive this. having noone around is better than a drunk body.

what

what
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 11:20pm

I know I made the right decision. Yes, it hurts. Steve and I had a good talk tonight. We both agree that we got too serious too fast. We also agreed that we were not always on the same page--we wanted different things. I was looking for something more permanent, he was looking for something more casual. I told him that if he ever changes his mind about what he wants, isn't drinking, and I'm not with anyone else, maybe we could try again. I still love him, but I don't love the decisions he's made. I think I'm going into the anger part of the grieving process. I told him that it sucked that he loves his alcohol more than he loves me. He was confused at that, so I told him that he would rather keep his alcohol and watch me walk out the door instead of dropping the alcohol and keeping me. I told him that he chose the one he loved more--the alcohol. He said that I was being harsh, but he could see where I was coming from. We both agree that we will probably make better friends than we did lovers.

Thanks for all of your kind words and support

Becka

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 12:34am

I hear ya... I feel ya.... and giving him the space to *be* where it doesn't involve you is the best choice.... and he'll have to absolutely hit rock bottom before he'll make a decision to change himself... for himself.


I just want you to know, you're not alone in walking the path... but you can do it.

Karen ~ wildlucky4me


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~