I GOT SERVED

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
I GOT SERVED
18
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 9:34pm

Anyone know of a good attorney in upstate NY?




Edited 6/4/2006 10:30 pm ET by justmee06
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2006
In reply to: justmee06
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 12:35am

First let me say that I am sorry for what you are going through. It sounds like you aren't having the best luck here with your STBX. I know how hard it can be to deal with them sometimes, and even though we would love nothing more than to reach out and choke them we can't let them get the better of us. Ok, so today wasn't the best of days for you but it's what you do from here that is going to either put you on top of the situation at hand or not.
You say that your STBX is filing for divorce on the grounds of " Cruel and inhuman treatment"? Is there anything in your past with your STBX that could be mistaken for something like that? I know at times when I was fighting with my STBX I could be very cruel and cold hearted towards him, but I think that everyone gets like that from time to time and not ever really meaning to, because of the situation they are in at the time.
I know for me even if I had to drive across country to deal with my pending divorce with my STBX I would do it and not even think twice about it. Just to be done in dealing with his BS. Maybe I can't get him totally out of my life because of our kids, but I can wash my hands of him and any BS that comes along with him and his "NEW" personal life. Sure it's hard for me just like I am sure it is hard for you to let go of something that we have held so dear to us for so long, but you have to keep telling yourself that he is the one that wanted out. And even though it hurts to let go we have to do it to save our own piece of mind. If we just dwell on whats going on and can't just wash our hands of them, then we become cold and closed off, and can be very cruel. It's not healthy for you or your child or children and it doesn't allow us to be the best parent that our children need. You have to see that all of this in the end is going to mean that you get another shot at being happy and maybe someday being with someone that wants to be with you. If we aren't happy our children aren't happy. Our children, no matter what age, are going to pick up on how we are feeling and feed off of that.
- "In my opinion he's doing all this so he can either get married to his girlfriend (who may be pregnant) or so he doesn't have to pay spousal support for 1 year which the Marine corps order requires"
My question to you is this? If getting married to his girfriend is something that he is planning on doing, do you really think that you are going to be able to stop him? We all know how men are, they are going to do what they want to do regardless of what we or anyone thinks. Is his girlfriend pregnant? And if she is, although I KNOW it would hurt, but wouldn't that be his problem and not yours? You have to look at it that way. It's something that he got himself into, why are you going to bail him out? We can only take so much and endure so much crap from our STBX's that it's time to let go and tell them : Sink or swim buddy! To me driving the 14 hours to be done with my STBX's BS and everything else he is throwing out at me would be well worth the time that I had to spend just to be done with him. The sooner the better!
I hope that you find the piece of mind that you looking for through all of this. But just remember that we are all here for you.

Your in our prayers!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
In reply to: justmee06
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 1:15am

WOW! Things have certainly taken a turn for the worse in your situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
In reply to: justmee06
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 9:32am

I am not 100% sure, but I think in NY, you have to PROVE the grounds for divorce

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
In reply to: justmee06
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 10:11am

He may have shot himself in the foot in doing so. In the state of NY they do not have no fault. You must be living a part for one year before a divorce will be granted. So there will be no quickie wedding for him and his girlfriend if that is the case. Especially if you just moved recently.

http://www.divorcelawinfo.com/states/ny/nyintrod.html

By the way you can countersue for cruel and unusual punishment, for section 4.

4. The commission of an act of adultery, provided that adultery for the purposes of articles 10, 11 and 11-A of this chapter, is hereby defined as the commission of an act of sexual or deviate sexual intercourse, voluntarily performed by the defendant, with a person other than the plaintiff after the marriage of plaintiff and defendant. Deviate sexual intercourse includes, but not limited to, sexual conduct as defined in subdivision 2 of Section 130.00 and subdivision 3 of Section 130.20 of the penal law.

Adultery can be proved by direct evidence or circumstantial evidence. Adultery cannot be proved by the confession of the party alone. Also, a spouse cannot prove adultery by his/her direct testimony, since Section 4502 of the Civil Practice Law and Rules provides that a spouse is incompetent to testify against the other spouse in a divorce founded upon adultery.




Edited 6/3/2006 10:16 am ET by sniffle_sally
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
In reply to: justmee06
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 10:19am

The Law in NY:

You may file for divorce in New York if you meet one of these residency requirements:

Either you or your spouse has lived in the state for at least two years.
Either you or your spouse has lived in New York for at least one year AND:
your wedding took place in New York, or
you and your spouse lived in New York during your marriage, or
the cause of divorce occurred in New York.
Both you and your spouse live in New York at the time you file for divorce and the cause of divorce occurred in New York.
(back to top)

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What are the grounds for divorce?

"Grounds" are legally acceptable reasons for a divorce. In New York, there are divorces after separation, and fault-based divorces.

Divorce after separation - In a divorce after separation, you do not have to have a reason for the divorce. To file for divorce, you and your husband must either have a separation agreement or a court ordered-judicial separation. You also must live separate and apart for one year after the agreement or judicial order before you can be divorced.

Fault-based – With a fault-based divorce, you do not have to be separated before filing for the divorce. In New York, you can file for a fault-based divorce for any of these reasons:

Cruel and Inhuman Treatment – This includes physical, verbal or emotional abuse. The judge will require more than that you simply did not get along with one another. The judge will be looking for specific instances of cruelty that occurred in the last five years.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
In reply to: justmee06
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 10:33am
Empty


Edited 6/4/2006 10:31 pm ET by justmee06
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
In reply to: justmee06
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 10:44am
Well he wants to play dirty, he just messed with the wrong state because NY state is the WRONG STATE to do that in.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
In reply to: justmee06
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 10:50am
Empty


Edited 6/4/2006 10:32 pm ET by justmee06
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2005
In reply to: justmee06
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 10:04pm

I wish you all the best in this and I am surprised the Military is ok with him having an affair. They look down upon that stuff. I would inform them if they don't know. I am sorry you will have to do lots of driving. Good luck and Girl get yourself a good attorney and prove yes he was the one that was cruel and inhumane with his affairs than.

Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
In reply to: justmee06
Sun, 06-04-2006 - 1:37am

Dear Justmee06,

Just a bit of info. I think, that because a "complaint for divorce" has already been filed, that you cannot "file" for divorce on other grounds. All you can do now is "respond" to the "complaint" which unfortunately puts you behind the eight ball so to speak. Since now you are the "respondent" in the divorce complaint.

From what I understand from the "faults" info that was posted here from the NY website, that an affair has to be proven. You mentioned that you have proof from the military. I am not sure that without them having to "prove" an affair themselves that they could discipline a soldier for that. I mean I am wondering when he got in trouble with the military, did they say it was because of an affair? I have never heard of that before. I mean I would think with the military being a "boys club" so to speak that they would have to have some substantial proof, not just someone saying it or admission of it.

In other words, if you told them he was having an affair and they weren't able to find proof of it, there would be no grounds to say in any disciplinary action that he was having an affair.

I was in this same boat having to prove that I was not cruel and inhuman to my X, but because of emails and taped telephone calls that he had and gave to his attorney, the judge in our case had all he needed because as I said before, I was out of control and proceeded to make his life a living hell and ended up making mine one as well.

It seems as though you will have to get a very good attorney to try to combat this issue and that could end up not only dragging this scenario out for a very long time and costing thousands of dollars in attorney fees for you. Since this is now a civil matter the military will no longer have any say in what happens from here on out and you will not be able to use the same attorney he has to come to a settlement, you will have to retain your own attorney.

My suggestion would be to work through your attorney to see if you can come to some type of reasonable divorce settlement and after what ever waiting period there might be, go to court for a final hearing and sign off on the paperwork.

You certainly will have to do quite a bit of driving, but since his is legally a resident of NY and filed there, that is where the jurisdiction will be.

Good luck and I hope you can get through this without creating a financial nightmare for yourself and your child.

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