Change is always difficult. Unlike the movies or television, making change isn't easy or over in less than a day. It comes with consequences. I comes with difficulty. I comes with grief, frustration, anger, and pain. Lots of pain.
As far as counseling - yes, you have to first believe in it to get anything out of it. And if your reasons for moving on are for your happiness, then where is your incentive to believe in it? It sounds like you've at least 75% made up your mind that this is what you want.
I as well felt similar - being that I felt like I "settled down" w/children etc. in life too young - and didn't :get what I wanted" - however I will tell you - that the grass isn't always greener. And once you have children - you can't turn back the clock. Most often it is the feeling of not knowing who we truly are that can leave us feeling empty & wanting to change outside circumstances - thinking that, that will take us where we need to be - unfortunately often, it simply leaves us feeling more lost & empty. And you will have to answer for the hurt & devastation that is caused later in life.
There's a book called Sacred Marriage - what if God designed marriage to make us more holy than happy - by Gary Thomas - that you may want to pick up.
The fact is - no one, book or anyone else can change your mind once it's been made & things have been set into motion. And no one can tell you what the journey you are leading into will produce. But I can tell you that in the end, your happiness is up to you & whether you choose to stay or divorce, happiness will not come from either decision.
Tell me about it and you are NOT alone. I am doing the same, actually the papers will be filed Friday and I have had the guilt rising every day. But I know that I am doing the right thing for myself and my kids. We have been together almost 20 yrs/14 married today LOL. And I do not love him anymore. He has been a
Hmmm - I'm just wondering here what is considered a "bad" husband. My husband often felt the same of me - actually one time he got drunk & told me - you are a "bad" wife - lol. Hmmmm - b/c I didn't meet "simple" requests of his or live up to all of his expectations of what a "good" wife should be. Well - in that case he could've been called a "bad" husband.
Point being - anytime we point one finger - there's one pointing right back at us. Unfortunately we don't look at ourselves & see the things we could've done differently or ways in which we should've improved in order to become not just better husbands/wives - but better people in general.
And happiness - well...that's an emotion that comes & goes - very fleeting & can often be elusive.
I agree - miserable is no way to live - however - living miserable is a choice just like everything else.
If you are going to go through with this divorce, you have to own the impact it will have on your kids. Really think about this. Once we have children, we lose the right to put our own "happiness" ahead of their well being. "You deserve to be happy" doesn't mean anything. We all deserve to be happy. But we can't sacrifice our children's happiness and security in order to pursue our own when we're the adults, we chose to enter hte marriage, we chose to have the children. We have accept the consequences of those choices.
AMEN to that!
My stbx did exactly that. My kids are doing ok, but oldest is sinking into depression, anxiety and I hope not worse.
Also, the economic impact is HUGE. I returned to work, but it isn't enough; we may still have to sell the house and the kids have a stressed out, overwhelmed mom and we don't get nearly as much time together ... my oldest so longs for the days when I walked them to and from school. Nights at Dad's, happy though she is to be with him, she is in tears missing me ...
Some marriages are hell for children and divorce can be salvation. But, baring that, a parent owes it to their innocent vulnerable children to work their tail off before walking away.
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Weesa,
Change is always difficult. Unlike the movies or television, making change isn't easy or over in less than a day. It comes with consequences. I comes with difficulty. I comes with grief, frustration, anger, and pain. Lots of pain.
Here's
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
As far as counseling - yes, you have to first believe in it to get anything out of it. And if your reasons for moving on are for your happiness, then where is your incentive to believe in it? It sounds like you've at least 75% made up your mind that this is what you want.
I as well felt similar - being that I felt like I "settled down" w/children etc. in life too young - and didn't :get what I wanted" - however I will tell you - that the grass isn't always greener. And once you have children - you can't turn back the clock. Most often it is the feeling of not knowing who we truly are that can leave us feeling empty & wanting to change outside circumstances - thinking that, that will take us where we need to be - unfortunately often, it simply leaves us feeling more lost & empty. And you will have to answer for the hurt & devastation that is caused later in life.
There's a book called Sacred Marriage - what if God designed marriage to make us more holy than happy - by Gary Thomas - that you may want to pick up.
The fact is - no one, book or anyone else can change your mind once it's been made & things have been set into motion. And no one can tell you what the journey you are leading into will produce. But I can tell you that in the end, your happiness is up to you & whether you choose to stay or divorce, happiness will not come from either decision.
Laurel
Great post! Wish I would've known all that when I was younger ;)
Unfortunately the truth isn't as popular...
Laurel
Hey W!
Tell me about it and you are NOT alone. I am doing the same, actually the papers will be filed Friday and I have had the guilt rising every day. But I know that I am doing the right thing for myself and my kids. We have been together almost 20 yrs/14 married today LOL. And I do not love him anymore. He has been a
Hmmm - I'm just wondering here what is considered a "bad" husband. My husband often felt the same of me - actually one time he got drunk & told me - you are a "bad" wife - lol. Hmmmm - b/c I didn't meet "simple" requests of his or live up to all of his expectations of what a "good" wife should be. Well - in that case he could've been called a "bad" husband.
Point being - anytime we point one finger - there's one pointing right back at us. Unfortunately we don't look at ourselves & see the things we could've done differently or ways in which we should've improved in order to become not just better husbands/wives - but better people in general.
And happiness - well...that's an emotion that comes & goes - very fleeting & can often be elusive.
I agree - miserable is no way to live - however - living miserable is a choice just like everything else.
Laurel
I think this is a great post as well. I've been married for almost 8 years.
Hi robin,
You made one comment that made me pause <> .
Oh yes. The guilt. I felt (and still feel, after 13 years) guilty. I divorced because my dh had a gambling problem (he gambled us into debt)
Cat
Mom to 5: DS-17, DD-16, DD-11, DD-9, DS-7
If you are going to go through with this divorce, you have to own the impact it will have on your kids. Really think about this. Once we have children, we lose the right to put our own "happiness" ahead of their well being. "You deserve to be happy" doesn't mean anything. We all deserve to be happy. But we can't sacrifice our children's happiness and security in order to pursue our own when we're the adults, we chose to enter hte marriage, we chose to have the children. We have accept the consequences of those choices.
AMEN to that!
My stbx did exactly that. My kids are doing ok, but oldest is sinking into depression, anxiety and I hope not worse.
Also, the economic impact is HUGE. I returned to work, but it isn't enough; we may still have to sell the house and the kids have a stressed out, overwhelmed mom and we don't get nearly as much time together ... my oldest so longs for the days when I walked them to and from school. Nights at Dad's, happy though she is to be with him, she is in tears missing me ...
Some marriages are hell for children and divorce can be salvation. But, baring that, a parent owes it to their innocent vulnerable children to work their tail off before walking away.
Just my 2 cents.
M
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