I hate being married

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2012
I hate being married
5
Tue, 10-30-2012 - 7:53pm

Does anyone else hate being married? I absolutely love being a mother to my boys. I HATE being a wife. The husband doesn't have a job and we have a child together so how do I leave him? When I married him I thought my younger child deserved to have both his parents together. I had gone through a divorce with his older brother's dad and I didn't want to do that to him. I would be so happy with just my children and no husband. So with that said, how can it be right to stay with him.  He deserves to be happy. I feel so different from other women. So many women want to be married and I feel suffocated and miserable and fantasize about being single. I haven't moved forward with separation because I'm afraid he'll take my son away from me. I have joint custody with my ex husband and I want to have my boys on the same parenting schedule. I wouldn't demand or ask for full custody because he loves our son and he's a good dad to our son. 

Am I that abnormal to feel this way?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 10-31-2012 - 11:07am

Aside from not having a job, is there something specific about your DH that you are unhappy with?  What I'm trying to say is--is there anything that your DH could change about his behavior that would make you want to stay married to him, or is it that you hate the idea of marriage in general?  I think if it's the 2nd thing, then it's your perception of marriage, so I think you would benefit from going to a therapist to see if you have a realistic perception and if you can work on that.  What about being married makes you miserable?  What do you think you'd gain by being single?  I've been divorced 4 yrs now and I don't miss being w/ my 2nd DH because he was very hard to live with, but there are a lot of things about being married that I miss--having a companion, feeling that someone else is there to help you and is emotionally tied to you.  Being a single parent is difficult too and yes, you'd have to share time w/ your kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Wed, 10-31-2012 - 1:44pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Wed, 10-31-2012 - 1:51pm

When I read your header, I laughed, even though I know it wasn't intended to be funny, nor is funny - but it's the truth and the truth tends to be funny sometimes.

First let me say that no, you are not abnormal. Marriage isn't for everyone. Unless you came from married parents, it wouldn't be "normal"...even people who come from two married parents, aren't always happy and functional, nor know how to re-create that with someone else. I don't believe that humans are cookies, nor can have cookie cutter experiences. We just live in a society that tells us that we should & that marriage is a "normal" part of life, the majority and what everyone should strive for. Actually, there are more singles than marrieds now, and I'm sure in the future singles will increase. There are women out there just like you (I'm included) that find it much more natural & easier to care for children and not a husband and/or wife. It doesn't mean that you can't grow into a husband and/or wife under the right circumstances, but it would take A LOT of love, patience, committment and desire to do so.

The problem with not being married when it comes to having children is the complexity of things when it comes to finances and relationships between parent and child. Because let's be real about things, it's not easy financially to raise a child - if not almost impossible and while ideally parents who do not live under the same roof would like to spend equal amounts of time with their children and have adequate involvement etc., sometimes the reality of things as well as location can make that almost impossible. When Oprah talks about marriage, she talks about how it is set up by society for the welfare of reproduction & having children, I agree 100%. The other part of the equation for you is that you have children by different men (I've experienced that as well) which even further complicates the situation. My experience has been a nightmare b/c I've pretty much had to spend years going back & forth and while I am able to get all of my kids on the same wkends, I've still not been able to be in all their lives at the same time with the same focus. A broken family is just that, a broken family...with one child it's hard enough, with multiple children it's even harder. And though you seem to have had a successful run at managing the first divorce w/child, chances are with this one, you might not have that same success. Different person, means possible different outcome.

You have a few choices in your situation b/c you aren't actually separated and/or divorced at this point. You can make your best efforts and/or attempts to change your perception and viewpoint in order to overcome your instincts of wanting to abandon the father of your children and work to learn how to love and take care of him so that he might become a better husband/provider also - which will help you to at least keep the family that you have in tact ---- or you can surrender to the thoughts and feelings you have concerning what will make you happy, let the cards fall where they may and suffer those consequences. Neither decision is without consequence.

When we have children not really knowing who we are, what's right for us and the true consequences of it all, we weave webs of marriage and children that are impossible to escape from. We are left cleaning up the messes & mistakes of our youth. Only the delusional think they can "start over" and/or somehow escape it all.

Best of wishes in whatever tough decision you make & just know that you aren't abnormal or alone. If you are abnormal, I'm right there with you. The last thing on my mind growing up was wedding dresses/marriage/taking care of a man/husband.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 10-31-2012 - 9:02pm
I wouldn't say your abnormal at all. Some people just aren't cut out to be married or with one person for very long. Or maybe your just not with the right person for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2012
Thu, 11-01-2012 - 12:37am

Hello Louabbott,

Let's see if I'm reading you narrative correctly:

I absolutely love being a mother to my boys

I HATE being a wife

husband doesn't have a job and we have a child together

I married him I thought my younger child deserved to have both his parents together

I feel suffocated and miserable and fantasize about being single

he loves our son and he's a good dad to our son

Your DS's will likely grow-up to become married/fathers so you need consider you responsible for raising boy(s)some woman(s) will love or divorce just as your considering with DH.

I believe boys need fathers, as you will soon discover they are quite different than girls. Likely your will have difficulty even recognizing them as your genes once they reach teenagers. If they wish they will simple ignore you and do as they please and you as a woman are powerless to stop them.

This is a situation which father's have to deal with. It is DH job to deal with son's and provide for his family to the best of his ability. Consider today's economy and DH skill set he might need retraining or career change, but he should be actively seeking employment.   

The reason I can say this with certainty is a Scout Master many of the boys in our troop had single mothers. They were constantly asking for advice on raising them. Last check shows all of them are now married. As you said both DS's have fathers, yet these fathers will likely have new families of their own in the coming years after a divorce. So the amount of time they will be able to devote to their son by your marriage will suffer. Contrary to what you might expect passing off a misbehaving son 'he's your son you raise him' might not be so easily done.

Not to make humor out your situation but unlike marriage children come with an 18 year commitment and satisfaction is not guaranteed and no refunds permitted.

You need to consider these questions seriously; if your DH was employed and making a 6 figure income would you reconsider your outlook on life? Have you figured out what would REALLY make you happy vs. unhappy? Is your problem really aggravated by DH or the lack of resources to do what you wish? Once you're single what are your expectations as you age? In event of illness what options do you have to take care of your sons or yourself?

Louabbott, I don't believe the single life you desire is going to be anything like you image. For awhile you'll be able to do as you please, yet as time passes your options will surely decrease. Yes marriage isn't for everyone, but you chose marriage twice without carefully considering the consequences and brought forth 2 children who will be mostly your responsibility for 18 years. Now you wish to undue you poor decisions which you will find not easily done.

It's is suggested you accept your commitments and work to make your situation better, rather than be selfish and only consider your needs. Life isn't always fair, yet we must all accept the results of our decisions and commitments, rather blaming others for our mistakes. Ed