I HATE HIM SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
I HATE HIM SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Fri, 12-31-2004 - 10:28pm
I hate him sooooooooooo much, that stupid son of a *&^*^*)&!!!!!!!! Well, it's friday nite new years and he is out drinking up a storm and once again he didn't stop by to give me money for our three little girls, I'm waiting for court to contact me, for everything but they seem to be taking their time. I just left a message on his answering machine, where he lives so I hope all his roomates hear it. I called him a dead beat dad and that it must be nice to go out and celebrate New years with out stopping by giving me any money. I told him if he doesnt call by 1:00 pm tommorow that and if he has no money for me he will not see his girls that he supposeably love soooo much. Now I'm listening to his younges whose seven cry that she want's her daddy because I yelled at her to stay off the counter, which she was climbing to get into the cabinets for a snack. They have a special box on a little table in the kitchen where all their snacks are. So she was up their trying to get into something. I listen to all the fighting crying whining and how come I can't do this anymore, or howcome we don't have our car anymore. And he takes them one nite out of the week, and I get fifty million phone call's the whole time they are their because they are fighting and their dad won't do anything with them. It stinks, I can't win !!!!!! I'm the most miserable person in the world right now, and I can't go anywhere do anything because I'm the one taking care of our children. And that son of a (^*&^(^(@@$, goes and does what he pleases. I hate new years alway's have, it's probably that I hate things ending I hate change. Boy am I really miserable right now. I told the girls it would be just us tonite but my neighbor got a chance to work, so I'm watching her little girl, my middle daughter got mad, I expalined to her that her mom needs the money just like I do some times, and it's ok to have her here. Then one of my older daughters friends mother called and asked if she could go to a neighboor hood party and she overheard and wanted to go so I let her, I didn't need her being miserable around me for not letting her go to the party, so the middle one got mad again, but she never wants to go anywhere or leave my side. Anyway's my house is a mess because I didn't want them to be depressed, and let them bring toy's everywhere. I'm suppose to quit smoking, I started a year ago,when all this started. It's going to be soo hard, but my daughters asked me the other day to make it my resolution, so I've cut weigh down for the big day tommorow. I will do it for them and for me. sorry if this post sounded like a boo hoo I just needed to vent so I wouldn't take it out on the girls. It's sooooo not their fault their dad is a looser who lost everything we had to be a drug addict. Sorry--
laura

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2004
Sat, 01-01-2005 - 2:21am

Hey Laura Jean,

I hope next year is better than this one has been, don't you? It really sounds as if you are having it rough.

Kids always want so much and sometimes there is no one to give to us. It doesn't seem fair that our stbx-es don't seem to be hurting as much as we and the kids are hurting, does it?

Anyway, do stop smoking--it doesn't do you any good in the end. Don't let the b**t*d win. Make a resolution not only to quit smoking but to have a great year and a great life.

Best wishes,

Emi




Edited 1/1/2005 2:20 pm ET ET by etammi
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 01-01-2005 - 12:18pm

hope you feel better, now that that's off your chest!


laura, honey, i know this may not be what you want to hear - but i will say this - YOU HAVE to get a grip here! and i'll tell you why - not only is it not healthy for your kids to see you all angry ---- but it JUST DOESN"T HELP! trust me - i have BTDT - gotten angry, cursed, threw things (blush blush, i am embarrassed to think about it) . all it does it waste alot of energy and just makes things WORSE. your children are going to continue to be uncontrollable, you are going to continue to feel depressed unless YOU start controlling your life instead of letting life CONTROL YOU. i know- its really hard - i know. i have been i nyour situation and i know how hard it is to take that step in the right direction - but i did it and i am not sorry.


i don't remember if you had mentioned being in therapy or not. if not - i would advise you to find a therapist and work thru these issues. there is nothing *wrong* with you - but it sounds to me like you would benefit from having someone help you thru your anger. also i would strongly urge you to take some of that anger and frustration and go jog around the block or something. it is worth it, once or twice a week, to hire a baby sittter and yes i know you have no money -fine, use the money you want to use on your cigarettes and start using it for positive instead of negative activities.


huge hugs laura! don't wait for things to get bad - act now. get help. accept help. we are all here for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Sat, 01-01-2005 - 4:06pm

I'm feeling pretty angry and depressed myself, New Year's Eve and all the other holidays were terrible and I was alone. I don't smoke, except for on occasion and I actually went and bought a pack of cigarettes last night. Here's why I'm so outraged........

My X has already replaced me. He's started seeing her immediately after we seperated. I found out about her when I got a credit card bill in the mail (he's in the military and was TDY at the time) The credit card bill said, Kay's Jewler's 357.00 He tried to lie about it and say he bought a watch, a Rolex watch. To make a long story short he finally admitted lying. She doesn't live here, so he drives 15 hrs, or flies there as often as possible to go see her. He spent 5 days with her on thanksgiving, (took my son with him) then another weekend in December he flew down to see her. Then at X-mas time he spent a week with her in CA at her mother's place. He had told me soon after that he was suppose to be going TDY again for 10 days. Stupid me, I believed him! I just assumed he really did have to leave for his job. Then my neighbor helped me realize that he was lying to me again. He didn't have to go TDY, he just wanted to spend another week with her, so they could celebrate New Years I'm sure. So I've had the kids for two weeks and who care's if I need a break. Pretty sad when you put your girlfriend before your kids. I was so pissed last night just knowing they were ought having a great time together and I'm stuck home taking care of the kids. When it was suppose to be my week off. The selfish Bas__rD doesn't care about anyone but himself. Then I started thinking about all the TDY's he's been on this year. Six months out of the year he was gone. And everytime he leaves its a vacation for him, I'm left at home with the kids with no help. I also started thinking about what I've got to do for fun this year, I took one week off to drive to Colorado to see my bestfriend. That's it, I don't ever get to have any fun because I put my kids first and there with me 80% of the time. I'm so angry and hate him so much if he died tomorrow I wouldn't care! I'm not saying I want him dead, nothing like that. If he accidently got killed. The only ones I would feel sorry for are my children.

Well I'm angry but I'm also tough. I do know spending all this time thinking about it is a waste of time/energy. But its kind of hard not to when your stressed out home alone with kids. This is a new year and its going to be a new and better for me. I'm going to start doing more for myself and make him take the kids more often. I have another friend who is a single mother and we are going out next weekend.

I'm also gonna be the biggest pain in the as_ as we proceed with the divorce. I'm going to make it as difficult on him as humanily possible. No way is he gonna have his cake and eat it too. The funny thing is he's gonna get slapped with divorce papers as soon as he gets back in town. I have a very good lawyer and he's screwed!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 01-01-2005 - 9:14pm
You know what Laura? At least you wont have to sleep NEXT TO a stinking snoring DRUNK tonite ... or any OTHER nite. Hang in there ... YOU have whats important, your girls. HUGS R~
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Sun, 01-02-2005 - 4:59am
Rebecca, your right. He always said he'll never change. He's been drinking since he was young. And he started doing drugs so I quess he did change and all depends if you want to. But the funny thing of it is Rebbeca he never slept in my bed for 8 years, it was always me and the girls, because he wouldn't help get them to bed in their own. And then we finally built our dream house the girls, each had their own room and bathroom etc.. and I still slept alone. He blamed it on the mattress, well that could of easily been changed I bought a new one and he still didn't sleep their. Oh well, when we were first together we slept in a twin bed, but that was when my body was hot, and we still did when I was first pregnet. Then when the 3 girls came he just started sleeping on the couach. The funny thing about that is when I first moved into this apt. he would come over and say he missed his couach.lol I told him to take it since we lost our house, trucks, cars, business, and our poor dogs(since I can't have them here). No since letting your kids have something to sit on. I know I don't love him anymore, because now when I think of getting back together with him, it litteraly grosses me out, he's destroyed sooo much in a matter of months, to drinking, gambeling and drugs. Thanks for your posts.
laura
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Sun, 01-02-2005 - 5:25am
J, I have no advice at the present time. I'm feeling the same as you. The funny thing is I told my friends I wanted a military man a marine actually, because they beleive in honor and protection. I guess it doesn't matter who you are as a man, my stbx got involved with drugs, and gambeling, he was always a drinker. I use to think maybe it would be easier if it was a nother women at least their would actually be something that I could say fine you don't want me anymore you want her! Since I couldn't fight with the drugs and they took my house, money, cars everything the business. So much for living the life of the jones. I'm truly sorry you are going through this I know your anger, and your pain, I started smoking as soon as this happened and that was almost 2 years ago, and now I'm trying to quit, that part I can tell you is don't buy another pack. All I can say to that is I'm trying to quit I've been dooing well, except for last nite I went out and bought a pack, but killing ourselves won't help or our kids(second hand smoke.
How long have you been with him? I found out during year and ahalf seperation we did try to get back together twice, that he(36) was fooling around with a local coke sl_t who was 19, and their was another girl that hung out with them, So you know what I did I called their parents, and lost my mind with the 19 yr old their was nothing that could really be said to them because they were the same as she. But the 18 yr old had a good family, and her father was yelling at me to stop swearing at him blah blah, so he put his wife on the phone and I could hear the father in the background crying, they new for a while what was going on with my stbx her friend and the drugs. Funny I just found out that day, from a kid at the gas station! The mother calmed me down and told me her daughter was in alot of trouble and that they didn't know he was 36 had a wife and three little girls, then she started crying for me, I told her I was sorry for the way I called but she understood that when your a wife and a mother to hear about this was bad. She told me her daughter was in alot of trouble, and would not basically be living long enough. Then I started getting thease phone calls and they would drive (the 2 girls) by my house and would do this when my children were out side, one day my aunt was their when they did and she chased them in her car, and they took off. Then when I was walking with my daughters, they were in a car full of girls yelling stuff(of course they were acting this way,because they were little girls) so I told my 11 year old to go around the corner to soanso's house and she was scared because she knew what was going on, and I told her has mommy ever been afraid of anyone, and she said no and left, meanwhile thease girls were parked a few feet away at a stop sign with their reverse lights on, so I started after them in the middle of the street telling them toget out of the car, not wise I know but the anger of them saying and yelling things around my daughters and scaring them I lost it. The started to back up and I was yelling get out of the car you tuff bit**s, you want to f*** around when I have my kids, I'm goona beat the sh** out of you, then they took off, I went to my friends smiling but was full of rage still, she watched my girls, I went home called the police, put restraining orders on them and called their parent's well the 18 yrs old and her mother was apologetic and said she would handle it. So the next day my aunt told me she drove by the 18yrs old house and her car was forsale, for cheep money. Never heard from them again. I called my stbx and told him what happened and that it happened infront of his kids and if he didn't take care of it he would never see his girls again. WoW! I guess I needed to vent, sorry about that, all I can say to you is I'll be here for you and if you need to talk then posts me and we can get our stbx's together, because I sure do feel the same as you.
laura
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Sun, 01-02-2005 - 4:51pm

Laura,Thanks for writing to me. Its nice to have someone to vent to. I'm a strong person and I know in due time I'll get over this and be just fine. But I'm also a honest person and would have never lied to him the way he has to me. He tries to undermine me, turn things around and act like I'm the one being unreasonable. The nerve of him really, its funny. He doesn't deserve me or his kids. Whoever she is she can have him because he is no prize. I really don't care about her, I'm just so angry because since having our children my life has changed but his didn't. He gets to go TDY and everytime its a vacation or party. He doesn't have to worry about anyone but himself, he's never had the kids by himself for more than a few days. He has never appreciated what I do or understood my position. I'm angry because he's having fun and I'm at home listening to kids whine, cry, fight, I wait on them hand & foot all day long. If I'm on the phone their fighting, or tearing up my house. If I get on the computer, they're bothering me for something. I told him the other day I was tired, I told him I was tired and haven't had a break and I'm mentally exhausted right now. He was such an ass. He Said, "Do you want me to take them full-time since you can't seem to handle it" --like he could handle them any better then me! I got smart with him and said, "Do you want me to file for Sole Custody?" --that would kill him!

I know I have to stop being angry, can't carry this around everyday because then he wins. He sure as heck isn't thinking about me or stressing out like I have been. I'm decided this year is going to be a new year and a new me. I'm going out next weekend with some friends. I've started online dating and I'm having lots of fun with it already. The attention I'm getting from these guys makes me feel really good. I'm also working out everyday, even if its only 20 min. I'm determined to make me happy and do what makes me happy. But I also have a long way to go. I just went and filed for divorce and don't know how long that's going to take. I have to move into an apartment, find a job, enroll in school next fall. I figure I'm only about half way there. I'll be glad when its all said and done.

p.s His girlfriend is suppose to be moving up here in March. He wants me to move out then because he's suppose to be taking over the house and I move to an apartment down the street. I'm going to be as inconvient as possible. I'll move when I feel like it probably not til July and that's going to piss him off. :)

P.S.S After this pack of cigarettes is gone I'm not buying anymore. I just did it because New Year's Eve was terrible. And I have never smoked around the kids. I always go outside. I'm lucky because I've never been addicted to it.

Take Care
J

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Mon, 01-03-2005 - 9:21am
J, I hear and totaly agree with your anger and pain!!!! The only advice I can gice since I'm living the same thing and the only thing that bothered him was I wouldn't speak to him anymore. He said we needed to discuss the girls and I wrote everything down he needed to know if i had problems with them, I wrote it to him and if he didn't read it that was his problem.
As for the house and you moving into an apartment, I understand the pain of that beleive me, here was my situation, I was loosing my house the mortgage was over $2,000.00, amonth and he wasn't paying it because of his problem. So basically it would be fore closed or sold, I had to sadly go with sold, The house was worth over $500,00.00, I sold it for $385,000.00 and would of made at least $80,000.00 but turned out I had liens on it. Didnt' know that so I walked away with nothing. My house was designed and built by us because his business was construction. It had 4 huge bedrooms, 4 bathrooms, 3fireplaces, a huge kitchen, 3 floors including the redone base ment witch had 3 rooms a playroom, a laundry room and my paint room. It had a grage, and in the back yard my 3 girls 2 story playhouse, so it tore my heart out when I lost it, and had to move into housing. I now live here in housing and I have a 2story apt with basement three bedrooms, and my girls are happy hear beleive it or not. This place is mine and not his I don't have to let him in and I don't when he drops of the girls I let him stay outside on the steps. My thought is just let him have the house you move out and start over and be happy, I know that's funny I'm saying this to you because I'm not happy but I have a new year and a new start, and my goal is to be happy. I would move out as soon as possible and take everything with you. Act like you don't care that what's killing us is they act like they don't care, just imagine how he will feel when you act like you don't care and you start dating and give him the house. Do you honestly beleive he will be faithful to this new girl, act like her friend, it will scare her, because they will alway's be wondering what your up to. Let me know what you think.
laura
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Mon, 01-03-2005 - 11:22pm

Hey Laura,

Its funny, in our divorce decree it states I'm to remain in the house until its sold and he has to continue to give me the same amount of support he's been giving me until then. I was getting 2,000. a month, half of that went to our morgage. He just went and reduced it, I was so pissed. So now I'm getting 1800.00, half still for the morgage. So I have about 750 for everything else. He says, if you need money just ask me for it, if the kids need something just let me know. Like I want to go begging to him, no thanks. I just decided that a couple of bills that don't have my name on it I just won't pay them. If he doesn't his credit will go bad, not mine. Ha!

At first I was desperate to try and keep the house, then my brother knocked some sense in me. Made me realize how it was a dual income home and I would probably end up filing bankruptcy if I stayed. I'm actually looking forward to the apartment, its like you said, it will be mine and have nothing to do with him. Plus, he can have the headache of taking care of a home and the huge morgage payments. He should just sell it, but he won't because our realtor told us we would lose 10,000. I think we should and cut our losses! But he's so stupid when it comes to money.

My other way of getting even is taking my sweet time to move out. His hoar is relocating up here and he really wants to move back in the house and I'm sure he has plans for her to move it. NOT! Like I said, their going to be inconvienced for awhile. And no matter what he says to me I won't feel one bit guilty for being such a bitch. About what you wrote, I have no desire to be nice to her. I dredd the day I have to see her. You know I'm not jealous of them, I was, but now I'm just angry because he's a self centered SOB and I'm tired of it. Thank god this is a new year, time to leave all the other crap behind us and move on.

p.s I've been doing the dating online thing and already met someone. It feels good to get some attention from a NICE man. Take Care Laura
Jody

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 4:36am
Jody, honestly I couldn't be nice to her either, I was just trying to be mature about it.lol If in the decree it say's stay in the house then, yea I would. I lost mine so I guess if I didn't I wouldn't go either, everything is different when you loose it all, and you haven't. Did he give you any reason why he cheated on you? Not their ever is a good reason, I would just like to hear what lame reason his is. Is she a lot younger than you? John, tried using the excuse that it was partly my fault that he used drugs, because he didn't like coming home to a miserable bi@@. I'm like ya ok. Maybe I wouldn't be miserable if you were home more, he would go hang out at his friends house on saturday's and say he was working, I would drive by sure enough their was his work truck , he is soooo stupid, their it was with big letters on the side "De Lucia" construction, dumb a$$ couldn't even hide it. Then he would never I mean never come home straight after work he would go have a few drinks, or go to his friends house, it didn't hit me at first then his brother was over talking to his girlfriend and he said, Hun I get out of work everyday around 3:30 and I was like what. So yea you would be miserable too if you had to deal with the 3 little ones by yourself driving them here there and everywhere. With no time for your self, because by the time he came home we would eat, I would get them showered and ready for bed he would spend like ten min. with each one and then I would have to put them to bed, so where in the he!! would I go. I hate him soooooooo much. Last nite I was on the phone with my aunt, she's actually in her 30's too, and she said you need to do this and that, I was like Cheryl how the heck can I, I'm by myself, I get no help from anyone. No one helps me clean do laundry take them anywhere, they resent the fact they have no more riding lessons, or dance my oldest whose 11 has been dancing for nine years and she had to give it up because I couldn't afford it, my 7 year old was going to get her 5 year trophy this year, along with my 9 year old, she quit for a year. My aunt had breast cancer so my other single aunt moved in with her and I said I know you needed help and everything and by god I don't resent that at all, especially what you went through thease past 2 years, but you have her and mike. She just got a new boob so she's happy as hell, it's perky. lol But, I told her think about how much easier it is on you now and she know's it. His mother doesn't call and say let me take the girls, god for bid if it interferes with her country club life, I get so resentful when she does come pick them up for his nite, she pulls up to the housing place in her lexus suv, I mean yea it's her car but god mines gone, I would be happy with a crap box but I can't afford gas or insurance for that matter. Yea, your right I would make his life miserable.lol
laura
Ps I like the chat's with you, and what is TDY?

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