I have lost control - cannot get over ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
I have lost control - cannot get over ex
6
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 11:10am

I need help and I do not know where to go. I have been divorced almost two years and I cannot get over my ex. I talk to him everyday. He tells me he still loves me, the divorce was all my fault, and he is "thinking about coming back". He is also seeing someone else. He alternates between this woman and me. Has for the past two years.

I spend a lot of my time alone. I think about getting him back all the time. I live in a small town and there are not many single men that I would go out with. I tried the first year to find someone to take his place and made some bad choices. The past 9 months I have made a choice to be celibate and very particular about who I date. Needless to say, dates are few and far between. When I do go out, all I think about is how I hate this and want to be with my ex.

I either sit at home alone or get out and have too much to drink and make a fool out of myself. There are no singles groups here and all of my friends are married. The single women I do know either stay at home or bar hop. I got over bar hopping 20 years ago.

I cry all the time and want to hide. My ex hears about my getting out and he calls me a liar and whore!!!! I feel like everyone is judging me and talking about me because of his calls. I am almost too paranoid to go out in public. The worst thing I have done is call someone when I had too much to drink and this has been reported back to my ex.

My parents and 16 year old daughter think I need professional help. I am sooo lonely and depressed. HELP MEEEEEEE!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 11:33am

You do need to see a counselor. You need to go back to your ex with your head on straight, if you do decide to go back. But, I suspect that you probably left for a reason and once your head is on straight, you may not want to go back.

Don't talk to him everyday. That's insane! You'll never heal without distance. You'll never know what your emotions are doing unless you separate yourself. You are continuing to be attached, yet separated and that is torture! Give yourself permission to put some boundaries up and withdraw so you can find a space where you can examine why, where and what you want.

There are many issues that come about when you divorce. It can dig up all kinds of new and old things to deal with and you DO NOT want to go back to something you left unless it's healthy. The emotions can be overwhelming and suck you in but the fact that you said you are allowing him to go between TWO women, tells me you have some boundaries that aren't being maintained in your own life. Missing him and dealing with the aftermath of a divorce is one thing, but putting up with someone mistreating you is something different.

You need to excavate some of what you’re feeling and process it. The pain of a divorce can be paralyzing, but it's been two years and you should have made a creep toward something other than the 'raw' part which tells me you are 'stuck'. Go get some help. We all need it. Find out why you're stuck and stuck to someone that is okay with going between two women and why you're okay with that.

Focus on getting unstuck. Read........there are some wonderful books, but a counselor that is focused on getting you OUT of the mud, not deeper in the mud, is worth their weight in gold!

You can get out of this hole that has sucked you under but you're going to have to do some work to do it. No one can do it for you. You're worth something productive, positive and healthy. You're worth living a life to the fullest potential of who you are. You don't deserve seconds and deserve to be first in someone’s life......ONCE you, yourself are in a healthy space.

If you can't afford a counselor, then get some 12 step recovery books for divorced or there are numerous books that can help you process where you are and work on getting above.

Take care of yourself........because no one else will. Everyone has strength inside, you just need someone to help you find it and unleash it....meaning a counselor, not a relationship.

There is hope, life and happiness beyond where you are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 11:59am

hi, i'm so sorry for your pain... its hard to get over something like this, but it can be done - only you have to go about this the right way.


start with your ex: you can't "get over him" if you are going to be talking to him everyday. also - what do you mean by by "He alternates between this woman and me. Has for the past two years." are you seeing him? sleepign with him? as well as talking on the phone? how can you move past him - if you won't let go of him? you need to let go - and if you can't do this on your own, then definately find a counselor and get to work.


there is a whole world out there, that is between "being with him" and "spending most of your time alone". its fine to be on your own - but there are other things tht you can be doing with your life - NOT getting into another relationship - but doing things for YOU. if you are "trying to find someone to take his place" then you are not ready to date.


<<< There are no singles groups here and all of my friends are married. The single women I do know either stay at home or bar hop. I got over bar hopping 20 years ago.>>> well, maybe there is a single's group in the next town. or 40 miles away. maybe there are enuf single people in your area to warrant starting a single's group. meanwhile, you can do other things - join another kind of group, find someplace you can volunteer all that time and energy, go back to school - there are loads of things to do OTHER THAN thinking about your ex.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 12:21pm
Thank you for your response. I know I need help. It's just taking that step. It's almost like I am afraid to let go. Afraid that there is nothing left. I feel so emotionally drained. Like I said, I figured out about 9 months ago that getting into another relationship is not the thing to do. I am not ready. That's why I have pushed some away. Why is it people seem to think the answer to all relationship problems is a new relationship? I am so tired of hearing, "You need to find another man". I need to break away from the last one before I can possibly have another relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 12:27pm

You're right. I have to let go. I guess I am afraid. I have let him manipulate and control me. That's what my family and friends think. He keeps me hanging on for his own use. He actually has a history of this.

Also, I do need to volunteer or join a club. I love to read. Maybe I should volunteer at the library. I have been so lost and wallowing in the past. I can't seem to come to terms with the present and my situation.

It has affected my relationship with my daughter. I want to fix that. I want to set a better example to her. It's just trying to overcome the crippling pain I still feel.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 12:56pm

One thing in your posts is sticking out: you're not getting good support. You're being undermined in fact. You "need a new man"? Like a hole in the head! Your social activities get "reported" to your ex? Who has the gall to report you? And why do they think he deserves to know? It's your own darn business! You deserve better, and not just from him.

As for his name-calling, that's a perfect time to use a canned two-liner: "I will not allow you to talk to me that way. ." "My activities are not up for discussion. Get out." "You're the one who's playing more than one woman. Lose my number."

You deserve so much better, hon. Take care of yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 2:13pm

Well, you have more insight than some if you've realized a relationship isn't the way to go from where you are.

There comes a time when you hit a wall and you have a choice. To live or die. I mean that in a figurative way. You either pull yourself up by the boot straps and one day, one moment at a time, choose something different or you stay and find a new low. No one can do it for you and you can't be there for your daughter when you aren't there for yourself.

Your gut is giving you insight into what you need to do or you wouldn't be asking. That's your first step. Seeing that you are where you are because you let yourself be is a very eye opening experience, so is taking responsibility and getting out.

Once you choose to live.........nothing will stand in your way. No small town or excuses. You'll move if you have to, you'll go to school, you'll find a hobby you never thought you'd enjoy or rekindle one you let go. One little step forward will free you from where you are, but YOU have to take the step. You have to do it for you because it SUCKS being in the space you are. We've all been there, we've all been in the wrenching pain part......and we're all here to tell you there's a way out! There's hope, there's life, there's someone (when the time is right) that won't treat you the way you've allowed yourself to be treated if you've done the work to get healthy yourself. When the pain gets to bad, is a great place to be! That's when you have to choose........choose to face the reasons your there, choose to face the reasons you stay there, choose to see really who you are and what you want and refind the dead pieces scattered all around and put them together.

One day at a time. One tear, one moment, one breathe.

You can do it, your life is waiting!!!